I’m tired but I’m breathing like I mean it, writing my gratitude, really feeling it. I’m unsure of my path but I keep walking it, living my life, leaning into it, deepening. Nothing is what it seems; I dive deeper, and this moment unfolds as a dream. I marvel at how everything is extraordinary and everything is ordinary all at once. This doesn’t have to make sense.
This doesn’t feel right. It’s happening again. Sadness. Depression. Comparing my life to someone else’s, someone more successful. I don’t want to struggle to make ends meet. I don’t want to question if people really get me. And then…acceptance. I accept how I feel. I accept that this is happening again. I accept the sadness, the depression, I accept the comparison. I accept that life is a struggle sometimes. I accept my yearning to be understood. I’m still me with all my issues, but with acceptance, I’m a little more peaceful.
As I attempt to embrace new ways of thinking, being, doing and expressing, My old self-tries to seduce me back to what is familiar. My future self is waving wildly, calling me forward. My current self is just exhausted from life in 3D reality. God, grant me patience with myself as I vacillate between what was and what can be. Let me feel loved, safe, seen and heard. In the end, this is all a dream. I really shouldn’t take it so seriously.
I love you, forever and always. I promise to take care of you and never, ever leave you. I promise to support you any way I can. I promise to celebrate you and all your successes. I am so proud of who you’ve become! I love spending time with you! You are such an amazing person; I’m so inspired by you, your openness, vulnerability, willingness to dig deep and allow your authentic self to speak. Let me know how I can love you better. I am here totally and completely for you.
If I can’t enjoy the little moments tucked inside my hours, how will I enjoy my days? If I can’t enjoy my days, how I will enjoy my weeks? If I can’t enjoy my weeks, how will I enjoy my months? My years? My decades? How will I enjoy my life? Lorien of the future, Lorien on your death bed, I vow to you— I will enjoy this life now. I will enjoy my moments, my hours and days and weeks and months and years. I will enjoy my decades. I will enjoy this life.
We have it backwards. We think that when we change, heal, get the car, the relationship, the recognition, then we can love ourselves— but it’s the other way around. When we love ourselves then we will change. Self-love is the engine of all healing and transformation.
I fell out of the loop for a moment, caught in a swirl of perfectionism. Suddenly I remembered that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about showing up authentically in the perfection of this moment… and so I came back.