This morning I lost it
on my meditation cushion.
my six year old son
kept wanting things from me,
and I was calm about it,
up until the point
where I wasn’t.
I got angry.
I began to yell
needing one moment to myself
trying so hard
and doing so much for other people
and don’t I deserve one moment to myself?
And then of course I regretted it.
I felt guilty, ashamed.
I asked for forgiveness
from my two children and my sister,
who had to hear me storming about,
losing my temper, being crazy.
help me wake up more,
so that I can act in such a way
that there are no more regrets.
I’ve been receiving the clear message
from my intuition,
or maybe from just good common sense
that I need to let go of my old stuff
in order to welcome new experiences
into my life.
if my heart is full of the past,
longing for a love that once was,
how can it beat with a new rhythm
for someone ready to share love with me now?
If my eyes see only my past
how can I train them
to look toward my future?
If my body is full of my past,
how can I teach it
to move and dance into a new reality?
I’ve been telling myself
that I was too depressed,
to start going through my stuff.
But Spirit has been speaking louder and louder
and now I am finally listening.
I realize that I’ve been scared to look at the piles of things
in my basement,
afraid of the memories they will trigger.
But today I feel strong, ready and willing
to face whatever it is, and clear it out,
so that I can have a new, spacious experience
and welcome what I really want into my life.
I’M GOING IN NOW.
WISH ME LUCK!
It’s so curious,
figuring this human thing out.
I mean, when you really look at us,
aren’t we just crazy?
Isn’t our behavior just plain absurd?
We can spend our whole lives
looking for love
when the love is inside of us
all along, forever.
We can attempt to control the outer world,
when in reality
we have no control over anything,
not even ourselves.
We can keep searching until the day we die
for fulfillment, freedom, satisfaction,
looking to everyone to give us what we want,
when all along,
we were the ones we’ve been searching for.
I’m feeling ready for a great teacher to come along
and speak the good word to all of us.
I want us to wake up,
how wonderful it is, just to be alive.
I learned a breathing technique last night,
and this morning,
I ditched my established meditation routine
and focused on this one thing.
It was kind of amazing
to try something new.
After more than 1.5 years doing the same thing,
it was a revelation
to just switch it up.
And then I wondered,
In what other areas of my life
have I gotten stuck in a routine,
and where else do I need to
ditch the old
and just switch it up?
A mighty battle is being waged,
a battle between the parts of me
that yearn for more out of my life,
and the parts that don’t believe
that more exists,
or that more is relevant,
or that more is possible.
Fear creeps in, and doubt;
if I let them take hold,
I get depressed.
That’s the old me.
The new me
knows that more is possible.
The new me can
look at my thoughts objectively,
sort through and find the helpful ones
and give my soul permission
to go for it.
At this point, I’m pretty biased.
I’m not going to be fair and give equal
help to both sides of the battle.
I’m going to pick which side I want to help.
I want the new me to win.
My house is going into foreclosure.
My husband stopped paying on it
when he moved out in April.
I’m not sure how much time I have left here,
and I don’t know where I’ll go if I have to leave.
My friends are starting to worry about me.
I ask them to pray instead of worry.
My mind is starting to worry about me.
I ask my mind to pray instead of worry.
There are many variables in this equation
but there is one thing I know for sure:
worry will not help.
Therefore, I refuse to worry.
Creativity takes time,
and I’m taking mine.
It might appear
to those who want to smear
my good name across the floor
that I’m good for nothing,
and should be doing more.
But I know better.
I’m learning and growing,
and knowing that 99% of the work I’m doing
is invisible—I don’t expect anyone to see me.
I don’t need anyone’s approval.
I don’t care what people think about me.
I’ll take as much time as I need
to process this new information,
and when I’m ready,
I’ll move on.
Creativity takes time,
and I’m working on my greatest