This New Me

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I like this new me
that has gotten up and gone running
every day for a week.
I like this new me
that smiles and laughs
and senses the promise of a better future.
I like this new me
that doesn’t need a man
to make her feel ok.
I like this new me
that trusts she can make
more than enough money to live well.
I trust this new me
to take the necessary steps
to create a good life for herself and her children.
I’ve been through hell,
and now that I am out the other side,
I can see that the best is yet to come.

On My Terms

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Something has changed.
I don’t feel so stuck.
I’ve chosen to stop listening to the old programming,
and replace it with something better.
I have to be vigilant.
If I don’t watch it,
the same old stuff will come cropping up,
fill my consiousness, and make me miserable:
You’re not good enough.
Your life is a mess.
You’ll never be happy.
You’re a failure.

When I start to hear that stuff
(it usually begins the moment I wake up)
I listen to my affirmations app,
or The Quote of the Day Show Podcast,
or I repeat this new mantra out loud:
I am immune to the opinions of others,
positive and negative.
I am neither greater nor lesser than anyone else.
I am fearless in the face of challenges
.
Yes, I am choosing to rigorously reprogram my mind.
Little by little, day by day,
I’m starting to feel okay about myself and my life.
Even if there are some unknowns about my future.
Even if there are some unresolved questions in my heart.
Even if I sometimes mess up…
I choose to live my life as an adventure,
a life that no one has ever lived before.
This is my life.
I choose to live it on my terms.

A Note to My Brain

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Dear Brain,

The jig is up.
I’m on to you.
I know how you work now.

I know that you’ve been conditioned
to believe negative thoughts,
and you are going to keep regurgitating
these thoughts
until I choose to train you otherwise.

Well, my dear brain,
I’m choosing to train you otherwise.

I won’t believe all those horrid things he said.
Not anymore.
I won’t believe that I was worthless.
I won’t believe that it was all my fault.
I won’t believe that I was just a taker—
I know I wasn’t.

Brain, it’s time for the TRUTH.
I did everything I could.
I was ENTITLED to my own thoughts and feelings.
It just didn’t work out between us,
and this wasn’t my fault.
I tried to get us to marital therapy.
I tired to share my experiences, my hopes and fears.
I thought if I worked hard enough on me,
things would get better.
They didn’t.
It’s not my fault.

Brain, I can’t stay married
to someone who just doesn’t love me, okay?
I can’t stay married to someone
who isn’t willing to be responsible for their part.
I can’t stay married to someone who blames me
for everything that goes wrong in their life.

Brain, I deserve more, do you hear me?
I deserve so much more.

I deserve someone who loves me
not in spite of my shortcomings
but because of them.

I deserve someone who lights up
when I walk into the room.

I deserve to be made love to
so tenderly and sweetly,
with care and reverence.

I deserve to be celebrated for my gifts,
and supported and encouraged in their expression.

After all this time, brain, the jig is up.
You don’t get to tell me how this goes anymore.
I don’t want my present to be a recycled version
of my painful past.

I get to choose. And I choose love.
And health. And happiness. And celebration.
Thanks for listening.

Sincerely yours,

Lorien

Inner Safety

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Could it be that when I am diverted
from the course I originally planned,
it is divine intervention?
My neighbor told me once
Rejection is God’s protection.
I’ve remembered this as I’ve experienced rejection
in one form or another, many times
in the past two years.
To make it through this time of uncertainty
I need to learn how to trust,
and not just as a thought in my mind,
but as feeling of trust and safety in my body.
I long for this.
I’ve longed for this since childhood.
If I wait for external conditions to change
I’ll never feel safe.
But if I can change my inner environment
and establish a feeling of safety there,
then my trust will be grounded in my body,
in my own strength, stamina and resilience.
I pray for guidance to transform
into a better version of myself,
so that I become the safety I seek,
the love I seek, the happiness I seek.
May I never again look to someone else
to provide the qualities I must create within myself.

Keep It Simple

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Keep it simple.
Complexity introduces volatility
which becomes chaos.
Keep it simple.
Even if your brain seeks excitement
and believes life is boring without it.
Keep it simple.
Life doesn’t have to be struggle;
just to be here, breathing and aware
is enough.
Keep it simple.
The most elegant things in life
are right here where you are, now,
but you’ll miss them if you’re focusing
on some other time, some other place,
some other moment.
Do you want peace?
Do you want joy?
Do you want love?
Do you want fulfillment?
Keep it simple, my friends, keep it simple.

Entitled

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I’m feeling entertained.
What was meant as an insult
has provided endless laughter.
This means progress.
I was told that the body part upon which I sit
is entitled.
I was told to get off this particularly entitled body part
and get a job.
I have two things to say:
1. I have a job. Actually two jobs. Actually three.
I have been mothering for 9 years
and teaching yoga for 14
and it is a full time job being me,
it’s a tough job but someone’s gotta do it
and I’m the most qualified for it—
AND I AM DAMN GOOD AT WHAT I DO,
AND I WILL KEEP DOING IT, THANK YOU.
2. Yes, I am entitled,
and not just the body part on which I sit.
All of me is entitled.
All of me is entitled to:
love
respect
joy
beauty
care
kindness
compassion
understanding
abundance
and gratitude
(among other things, but the list is getting too long, so I’ll stop there. For now).
I am entitled to these things,
because this is what I give out.
Oh wait, there is a third thing I have to say:
3. YOU CAN’T HURT ME ANYMORE.
If you have any questions, comments or concerns,
just talk to the aforementioned entitled body part on which I sit.
I’m sure it will make itself very clear,
in one way or another.