Inside Myself

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It could be said by many
that your past year
was so much better than mine,
what with all the
lovemaking,
wining and dining,
the rock concerts,
the dinners with friends,
and yes
even a “romantic” trip to Paris.*
Yes, if you’re only concerned
with external matters
maybe your year was better…
But if you look a little deeper,
you would find
I made out far better than you.
This past year,
I learned about my Self.
I learned where my true power lies.
(Hint: Not with you!)
I learned about my responsibility,
my resiliency, my strength.
I went all the way down,
found the bottom,
and have chosen to come back up.
I touched my deepest sorrow,
reached out and held myself
through paralyzing grief,
searched for and found
a reason to keep going.
Long after your suitcases are unpacked,
the bottles of wine are empty,
the rockstars have left the stage,
and the weight of real life
(and maybe even
the weight of your next wife?)
has killed your libido,
I’ll be here, standing strong
in the beautiful world I’ve built…
inside myself.





*As romantic as Paris can be, in rainy cold January. Good luck with that.


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Friends, some of you may have noticed in the past couple of months that I have periodically addressed Him…the one who shall not be named…the one who married me, had two children with me and then left the marriage, saying it was all my fault. If you’re wondering at all about my writing to him, permit me to explain. Once I realized that he was trolling my posts I decided to address him directly here on this blog…and I discovered as I did so that writing to him as if he were reading my words is quite cathartic. There were many words left unspoken between us, and while I’m still processing the major transition in my life that he initiated, I figured that anything that provides catharsis is a good idea! At some point this will all be a distant memory and I will no longer feel a need to speak to him, but for now, when the desire strikes as it did tonight, I’ll give him a piece of my mind. Who knows? Perhaps he’ll read my posts and learn something? We can only hope…

Choose Happiness

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Today,
I choose happiness.
Today,
I’m acting as if—
as if I am successful,
radiant, at peace,
creative, inspired,
abundant, blessed.
I smile for no reason,
I discover smiling feels good.
I sing.
I dance.
I laugh out loud.
I realize I don’t have to wait to be happy;
it’s a choice I make right now within myself,
in spite of the external conditions of my life.
Today,
I’m not waiting for something to happen
in order to be happy.
Today,
I choose happiness,
and it feels wonderful!

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PS There is science behind this. Check out this TED talk by Shawn Achor. He wrote a book called The Happiness Advantage and backs up what he says with research!

A Lot of Responsibility

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I was at home,
by myself,
and it struck me…
If I’m feeling bad
and there is no one around,
I’m the one making myself feel bad.
If I’m feeling good
and there is no one around
I’m the one making myself feel good.
My thoughts are determining how I feel,
and this is true,
but only 100% of the time.
If this is true
when I am alone,
then it is true
when I am with others.
I can blame others
for making me feel a certain way,
but in the end,
I choose how I feel inside myself
based on how I respond
to the external circumstances of my life.

Ahh, now.
That sure is a lot of responsibility…
No wonder so few people take it.

See What Happens

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What if, instead of asking
What could go wrong?
You could train yourself
to proclaim
The outcome of this situation
is going to be even better
than I could have ever possibly imagined
?
How, then, would you live?
How would you perceive
the challenges of your life?
Why not try this as an experiment?
For the next week,
every time something happens,
just proclaim
The outcome of this situation
is going to be even better
than I could have ever possibly imagined

and see what happens!

Living Deeper

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It’s done,
and I feel way less emotional
than I thought I would.
Even with you posting
the picture of your champagne,
saying “Divorce never tasted so good,”
and toasting your adventures
with your “new love…”
I’m not getting the same jolt
I got at this time last year,
when I realized you were with another.
There’s no more betrayal.
There’s no more grief.
There’s no more sense of loss.
I don’t need you anymore.
I have me now.
I have worked hard to heal
and to see what got me here;
I’m stronger now,
I can take care of myself…
and I love myself so much
that I actually enjoy being alone!
So go enjoy your Parisian vacation;
enjoy spending time with her.
I’m living deeper now,
inside a timeless place,
where the comings and goings
of a man such as you
can no longer affect me.
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Now, God,
if you can help me shift
from indifference to compassion,
that would really be something!

🌈🙏🏻❤️✨

A Mind At Home With Itself

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I found out our divorce had been finalized
because a friend sent me a screenshot of your photo:
Veuve Clicquot on your dining room table
and your caption
Divorce never tasted so good.
And I thought to myself,
Ah, but it has.
My divorce tastes better.
It tastes like FREEDOM.

The fanciest champagne in the world
cannot compare with the
sweet, clear taste of freedom.
And the richest man in the world
cannot buy this freedom;
it must be felt
deep inside a mind
at home with itself
in this one moment.

Where We Are

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Now that I’ve been
nurturing hope,
repeating
“I love myself, I love myself,”
as much as possible,
moving toward
self-acceptance
and self-compassion—
I’ve been naturally drawn
to taking better care of my living space.
I’ve been decluttering the house
room by room,
taking trips to the local donation spots,
and each time I release something,
I can hear the house
sighing in relief,
breathing better.
Ahh, space.
If space is really what we need,
why do we spend some much time
accumulating things
to fill it with?
Friends,
may we stop
acquiring things
just long enough
to take a breath,
smile,
look into one another’s eyes,
and remember
where we are.