It’s so curious,
figuring this human thing out.
I mean, when you really look at us,
aren’t we just crazy?
Isn’t our behavior just plain absurd?
We can spend our whole lives
looking for love
when the love is inside of us
all along, forever.
We can attempt to control the outer world,
when in reality
we have no control over anything,
not even ourselves.
We can keep searching until the day we die
for fulfillment, freedom, satisfaction,
looking to everyone to give us what we want,
when all along,
we were the ones we’ve been searching for.
I’m feeling ready for a great teacher to come along
and speak the good word to all of us.
I want us to wake up,
how wonderful it is, just to be alive.
I learned a breathing technique last night,
and this morning,
I ditched my established meditation routine
and focused on this one thing.
It was kind of amazing
to try something new.
After more than 1.5 years doing the same thing,
it was a revelation
to just switch it up.
And then I wondered,
In what other areas of my life
have I gotten stuck in a routine,
and where else do I need to
ditch the old
and just switch it up?
A mighty battle is being waged,
a battle between the parts of me
that yearn for more out of my life,
and the parts that don’t believe
that more exists,
or that more is relevant,
or that more is possible.
Fear creeps in, and doubt;
if I let them take hold,
I get depressed.
That’s the old me.
The new me
knows that more is possible.
The new me can
look at my thoughts objectively,
sort through and find the helpful ones
and give my soul permission
to go for it.
At this point, I’m pretty biased.
I’m not going to be fair and give equal
help to both sides of the battle.
I’m going to pick which side I want to help.
I want the new me to win.
My house is going into foreclosure.
My husband stopped paying on it
when he moved out in April.
I’m not sure how much time I have left here,
and I don’t know where I’ll go if I have to leave.
My friends are starting to worry about me.
I ask them to pray instead of worry.
My mind is starting to worry about me.
I ask my mind to pray instead of worry.
There are many variables in this equation
but there is one thing I know for sure:
worry will not help.
Therefore, I refuse to worry.
Creativity takes time,
and I’m taking mine.
It might appear
to those who want to smear
my good name across the floor
that I’m good for nothing,
and should be doing more.
But I know better.
I’m learning and growing,
and knowing that 99% of the work I’m doing
is invisible—I don’t expect anyone to see me.
I don’t need anyone’s approval.
I don’t care what people think about me.
I’ll take as much time as I need
to process this new information,
and when I’m ready,
I’ll move on.
Creativity takes time,
and I’m working on my greatest
I am so tired
I feel it in my bones.
I’d love some energy for me
now that day is done,
time to write, to think,
to dream about what is to come.
But with kids in bed
I’m so out of my head tired
all I have the energy to do
is brush my teeth
and get to bed myself.
What a party animal I’ve become!
This is when the old thoughts return,
and I have to fight
to keep them from taking hold again.
I pray for rest, for blessed
for tomorrow is coming soon
and I have promises to keep.
The plan was to go to the Renaissance Festival—
my sister, my two children and me.
Then my son got sick and was up all night.
I was up too, cleaning the carpet,
cleaning his face, rubbing his back,
getting him drinks, holding the bin, reassuring him
You won’t feel like this forever.
You’re going to be just fine.
My sister took my daughter to the festival and we stayed home.
It’s twelve hours later and mercifully he’s sleeping.
I’m awake hoping for a restful night to come.
But then it strikes me…
What prayer was answered by my receiving
the honor and the privilege
of time to take care of my sweet boy
in the quiet of our home?
What space was created
in the space of my care for him
and my desire to help him feel better?
What experiences will my sister and daughter have
without me there to pretend I’m in control?
What beautiful experience is yet to blossom
in my heart and mind
now that I can be grateful
no matter what?