According to My Checking Account

Standard

$-25.38 in my checking account
Hey mom, may I borrow $100
until I get paid tomorrow?
I’m sorry to have to ask
but I’ve been out of
my thyroid meds for five days and…

$74.62 in my checking account,
driving to the pharmacy
reminding myself
This too will pass.
$34.63 in my checking accout,
driving home,
reassuring myself
I have everything I need
to turn my life around.

Louise Hay said
Money is energy
and an exchange of resources.
How much I have
depends on how much
I believe I deserve.

If that’s true,
something in me thinks
I don’t deserve very much.
According to my checking account
I’m not worth much at all…
Back home
I feel like curling into a ball,
shrinking away from the world.
I don’t.
I force myself to eat lunch,
and then I sit down
to do some EFT Tapping.
Amid tears and terror,
I affirm that I always have enough money
to live my most authentic life.
Now, God, what now?

Better

Standard

I wake up
and something’s different.
I see the sun.
I’m glad to be awake.
I have energy.
I’m excited to start the day.
I make berry salad
for our breakfast;
the kids and I enjoy
these colorful jewels
the earth grew
for our nourishment.
I feel so much love
my heart might burst.
My home is peaceful.
After the kids get on the bus
I come back home.
What is this feeling?
What is different?
And then I realize
I know what this is:
I feel better.

Let Me Know

Standard

Stuck in darkness.
Heavy.
Moving slowly.
Swallowed in a feeling of futility,
hopelessnesss,
waiting for it to end.
What is the solution?
I’ve tried everything I could
and now I’m told
medicine might help.
My feelings are valid.
My circumstances are challenging
and every time I reach out for support
my arms aren’t long enough
and my cries aren’t loud enough;
despite my best efforts to connect
I find myself engulfed
in utter loneliness.
If you’ve never been here before
you might find it hard
to relate to these words.
If you’ve been here before
tell me how you got out.
If you are here now with me,
let me know.
Let me know I’m not alone.

Trust In This Moment

Standard

Back from a healing ceremony
where many tears were shed
and songs were sung
and layers upon layers
of old outworn behaviors
and patterns of thinking
were peeled up and released.
I pray that I can stay clear and open.
I recognized in the middle of ceremony
that there is nothing to escape from…
that this desire to get away
is an old survival mechanism
that no longer helps me.
I sat up tall and still
in the middle of extreme discomfort
And I heard Spirit whispering to me
Stop fighting. Just surrender.
Let grace move through you.
Let go. Release. Trust.

It was a long night.
Neural circuitry was being rewired.
Birth can be so painful.
I just wanted to be free
from the grip of my fear
and the stranglehold of my past.
I kept breathing throught this desire for freedom,
kept breathing through my fear,
my doubt, my judgment.
Finally, finally,
I came to see that no matter what arises
in my experience
it is always here to serve my awakening.
If I can just remember that one thing,
I could maybe, just maybe,
learn to trust in this moment.

Let Go All The Way

Standard

Homecoming.
Afraid for what awaits
in the emptiness
of my once shared space.
Grieving still what was…
wondering when I’ll be set free
from this self-imposed prison.
What do I need to do to let go
all the way?
The way this works,
if there is one shred of holding on,
the whole thing takes root again
and grows stronger than ever before.
I need grace
to help me let go all the way.