It feels too hard,
and I don’t want to try any more.
I want to quit, to give up,
to run away,
shut the world out,
close my eyes
and never wake up.
Call a friend.
Let them listen.
Cry even more.
Thank your friend for listening.
Let your friend pray for you.
Cry while she prays.
Cry when she stops praying.
Thank your friend for her prayers.
Now. Make lunch.
A picnic lunch.
Pack it up.
Now take your kids and go outside.
Meet up with a young woman
who has gone through similar struggles.
See that you struggled
so that you could understand her,
Get out of your head
and into your heart.
Think about someone else.
Realize your struggles weren’t in vain,
because you can help someone
move through theirs
with more grace and ease.
Drive back home.
Take a shower.
Read your kids a bedtime story.
Write in your gratitude journal.
Go to bed.
There, you did it.
You made it through another day.
At the end of the day,
if I can say I did my best,
well then, this must be good enough.
Sure, my credit cards are maxed,
there’s next to nothing in my checking account,
and I keep asking my mom for grocery money.
But there is a roof over my head,
my children are clean, fed and in bed,
and I’m breathing.
This is good enough.
I taught a meditation workshop today
and only three people showed up.
From a profit-driven business standpoint,
it was a miserable flop,
not worth the time invested.
Luckily, I have access to other standpoints.
So when a young woman approached me
after the workshop, crying,
sharing that she remembered her deceased father
during our lovingkindness meditation,
when she appeared bewildered by her emotions
(even apologized for them),
and when I was able to praise her for her courage
and share with her that it was an honor and a privilege
to bear witness to her process—
I knew something bigger was at play here.
Today wasn’t about me turning a profit,
it was about me touching a life.
It wasn’t about material abundance,
it was about human connection.
It wasn’t about my personal glory,
it was about beholding the radiance
of a sweet soul coming home
after a long time away.
From this standpoint,
my workshop was a huge success,
and I am proud of the work that was done.
I work on the level of my mind
because this is where my experience
begins and ends.
I leave the old behind
and embrace a new promise
of hope, fulfillment, and change.
I can see now that the power rests
within me, always and forever.
There is no reason for fear,
because I cannot fail—
only learn, grow, and become
better than I’ve ever been before.
Resisting the broken places
won’t heal them;
they’ll only get louder and more broken.
But how to love what hurts?
How to accept that these feelings are here
to be embraced as they’ve never been before?*
You must trust.
But how do I trust
when all evidence points to
nothing trustworthy in the universe?
You must have faith.
But how do I have faith
when it feels like
I’ve been brought to the pit of hell
and abandoned there?
You must love.
But how do I love
when all I feel is anger, sadness, and loneliness?
You must breathe.
I think I can do that.
*An idea from Matt Kahn’s book, Whatever Arises, LOVE That
Hi everyone. I arrived back in Maryland on July 31 after a wonderful trip to Colorado where I was taken care of in every way by a dear friend who knows what I’ve been through this past year. I felt really good and positive for about a week, but then real life came crashing down on me, and I’ve been dealing with the depression and anxiety again.
As I’ve been paying closer attention to my daily routine—of which this blog has been a part for the last five and a half years—I’ve been asking myself what kind of value my posts here are to others. If I’m writing my daily poetry and focusing on what is wrong, I believe that I’m contributing to an atmosphere of sadness and anger on planet earth. This is not what I want for me, you, or for this blog.
So I’ve been really wondering what kind of value I can add to anyone’s life here on Yoga Mom. Can I focus more on yoga? Can I share breath work techniques, yoga poses? Can I talk about mindful parenting?
I’m not sure what shape I want the blog to take at this point, but I’m absolutely open to any ideas that you’d like to send my way. I started off the blog for myself, as a means to find the self-expression that had felt so hampered in the midst of raising young children and being in what I’ve come to realize was a highly abusive marriage. I never expected to have people actually following my posts and reading my words, but now with over a thousand followers I feel it is my social obligation to focus on what is good and real and true in life, instead of on what is bringing me down.
If you have any thoughts or ideas about how I can do that here, I’m all ears.
Thanks for reading,