Everyone else is in bed. I wiped off the table, lit a candle, opened up the laptop, rubbed a drop of frankincense essential oil between my palms, cupped my hands, inhaled deeply. Ahh, yes. A moment of quiet for myself. At the end of a long day, it is heaven to hear an airplane rumbling somewhere in the skies above, and inside, just the sound of the keyboard keys clicking, the house settling, the metal ducts of our heating system clicking and ticking as they cool.
It has been a while since I have devoted any time to my idea of incorporating the Twelve Steps into the twelve months that I have committed to daily writing in this blog. This third month is drawing to a close; I might as well take some time to explore my work on the third step, lest this last week of March escape me without any mention of how I’ve been experiencing it. Step three is about turning our life and affairs over to God as we understand God. Nearly every session of meditation starts with me turning the thirty minutes over to God. God, I turn this meditation over to you. I turn my focus over to you. I turn my mind over to you. Please do with it what you will. Please help me to focus my mind, that I may experience the divine in me.
More often than not, I have been turning my commutes to the yoga studio over to God. If there is a genetic predisposition for road rage, I have it. Maybe it was just a learned behavior, but it feels a lot deeper than simple conditioned response. It feels karmic. I don’t want to be the person who mutters angrily while driving. I don’t want to feel the adrenaline coursing through my body, my heart racing. I have tried chanting, breathing, calling friends and family, and other tactics to distract me from jumping into my normal mode of tenseness behind the wheel, but results are slow to become apparent. In my quest to transform into the calm person I want to be, I find myself becoming impatient, disheartened, doubtful that I will ever see results…but there is another way to handle this. I can turn over my driving, my thoughts about my driving, and the experience of sharing the road with other people over to God. It’s a relief to know that turning it over is an option. I don’t have to be in control. I don’t have to be pinched and anxious and angry as soon as I turn the key in the ignition. I turn my driving over to you God. I turn my anger and my mistrust of other drivers over to you. Please help me to stay calm, alert. Thank you.
I have “turned over” many other experiences and thoughts this month. It surely requires practice, like any other skill we can develop. I want to surrender fully to the flow of life. Because I have become accustomed to struggling with the daily challenges of life and the illusion of control…there is a lot of resistance, and anxiety surrounding this work of surrendering. I turn over this act of surrender to you God. Take it and do with it what you will.
I would love to see what I could write–say at midday or early afternoon–when my mind is more alert and my body not so exhausted, but here I am writing after eleven o’clock at night. The reality is I’m growing drowsier with each passing minute…so I shall surrender to sweet sleep now. I turn my dreams over to you God. I turn over my deepest longings, my hopes and my fears, my sleep, my health, my body, my family–all over to you, God.