At the Mercy of My Mood

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O Nobly Born, O you of glorious origin, remember your radiant true nature,
the essence of mind.  
Trust it.  Return to it.  It is home.
–Tibetan Book of the Dead

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My body is so tired,
and I feel so tired writing that again.
Isn’t this what I say so often…
that I’m tired?

But tonight in particular, everything seems tired.
Not just my body, but my mind, my heart, my spirit.
Nothing seems worth any effort,
even fifteen minutes of free-writing in my journal seemed torturous, futile.

What is happening?
My mood took a nose dive today without warning.
What could I do to reestablish balance, to feel whole again?

I can hear the stories in my mind, the resistance to what is.
How do I heal this tendency to see myself as broken?

Yoga teaching helped me to feel like myself again this evening.
Two classes, thirty-three people, and I felt like myself again.

When I step into the role of teacher,
the little self becomes absorbed
into the infinite ocean of the universal self.
For a moment all my neuroses disappear,
and I’m left to ponder space, to experience pure being.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to be teacher,
to connect with other human being in such a positive way.
I just wish I could forgive myself
for not being a master of all the qualities I’m seeking to develop within.

I wouldn’t tell my child that she isn’t allowed to make mistakes–
so why can’t I allow myself the same forbearance?
What makes it so hard to see my inner nobility, to believe in the good?
When will I find freedom from the inner tormentor?

When will I remember my radiant true nature?
When will I return home?

2 responses »

  1. I love this, and that last line is so poignant, it brought tears to my eyes; for me it has two meanings: one is what you are saying, to experience oneness with the universal self; the other, for me, is to be truly within myself, connected with my own soul, knowing what my most meaningful emotions and needs are, because I’m often cut off from myself, too.

    • Thank you Willow. There’s a part of me that is so resistant to sharing my crappy feelings, but I also don’t want to come across as fake. No one is happy all of the time; how could we appreciate the sunshine if we don’t sometimes experience the rain? So I figured even it if it’s not the most uplifting post ever, it’s still worth sharing; this blog is about my journey toward greater awareness, toward recognition of my inherent wholeness. Might as well be honest about it. One of the prayers I’ve memorized has a line: “Hazardous and slow is the path to the unrevealed…” Today I can remember that line and not resist so much the way my thoughts can make me suffer. It’s just a part of the process. I’m grateful you’re reading my words. Thank you.

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