An Exploration of Relationship Dynamics (Can I get a witness?)


After having yet another disagreement
about the time I spend alone in meditation,
alone writing, alone reading–
I can really get why many marriages fail.

It cuts to the heart of what is important for me,
and his disagreement is heartbreaking…
it feels like an attack.  It feels like he is being stubborn,
closeminded, childish.
And what words would he use to describe me now?
Probably selfish, ridiculous, out of touch.
if I weren’t committed to working this out,
a part of me would be content to say,
“Ahh, clearly I need to be married to a man who meditates.”
A part of me would be content to throw in the towel
and blame him for our problems.

Hogwash. Relationships don’t work that way.
I want to tend to mine with love and caring,
to develop loyalty and the strength
so that I may support him in his creative pursuits,
so that I may experience true companionship.

This all makes so much sense, yes,
but what about when marriage
becomes like war in the trenches?
When does my willingness to concede
become a sacrifice of ME, the self I like in me?

If one of you has a magic wand,
please rub it over our heads.
Maybe our eyes and hearts will open
just a little bit more
and we’ll enjoy the being in the other.

6 responses »

  1. Lorien, I take my time to meditate, write, do yoga — just like you do. My husband does none of those things. He never complains when I take my time, but sometimes I feel guilty– like I shouldn’t go into a room, close the door and lock myself away from my family. But I think both me and my husband realize that if I didn’t take this time…I would not be able to offer anything to anyone else. By doing those things, it fills me with the ability to give more, love more.

    • Thank you Elysha. This is my main point when my husband asks why I can’t get by without my practices–I tell him I practice so that I can be more clear, more available, more compassionate. The center isn’t a fixed point in space. It is constantly moving, readjusting itself to strike a balance. I suspect this work will be ongoing for a long time. And I’m okay with that. 🙂

  2. Lorien, Isn’t marriage hard work so much of the time? A wonderful blessing, yes, but seriously hard work. I say that as someone who has been married for 33 fabulous years… of ups and downs, compromise, misunderstandings, frustration, loss, and tremendous joy, laughter, adventure, growth and love. Sorry for your pain right now, but I know you guys will figure things out because you are committed, honest, wise, generous. I don’t have that wand you’re looking for–I could have used it myself many a time, but am sending BIG HUGS. xo

    • THANK YOU Chloe, for acknowledging how much hard work goes into a marriage. We have a tendency to gloss over the more challenging aspects of an intimate partnership, so it is refreshing to hear you acknowledge that all couples go through ups and downs. There is certainly a market for the magic wand. Maybe if we put our heads together we’ll figure it out ! 😉

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