No Matter The Weather

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It feels like those I called friends
have withdrawn until the storm passes.
It feels like they are waiting
for me to be all smiles and sunshine again.
I have let them know the pain I’m in…
I’m sorry, they say,
I can’t imagine how difficult
this must be for you, they say.
But all the sentiments in the world
mean nothing
when they aren’t backed up
by something real.
And so I find myself asking
What is friendship anyway?
I find myself understanding
what is meant by the term
Fair weather friends.
I want to say to them
Yes, the storm will pass,
but don’t go looking for me
in the safety of the sunshine.
I’ll be miles from here,
in another land,
in another world,
a real world where
people are there for one another
no matter the weather.

14 responses »

  1. Hey love, do you think it might be that some people don’t know what you need, or indeed that you need anything? You may appear to be doing better than you feel you are. If you know what you need, try reaching out and asking. It might be that people would love to help but don’t know how other than to utter words of sympathy. Sadly words are all I can offer and I know that they sound pretty useless at times. But believe that we all send you love. We know that you will get through this. You don’t need to be all sunshine here. Everyone has cloudy times, it’s reassuring to know that this is something we all share. xxx

    • Thank you friend, a poignant reminder. I suppose I’m dealing with some core wounds, the top one being unworthiness, and so the fact of friends offering to make plans but never following through plays nicely into the story that I don’t matter because I’m worthless. I’m also making myself feel awful because I’m feeling so awful, as if I’ve failed a test of some sorts by allowing myself to feel sad, tired, mad, full of grief, vulnerable, depressed, anxious…Call me crazy, but if I were to ask my friends outright to please call me because I need to talk about every last painful detail pertaining to the dissolution of my marriage, it wouldn’t seem surprising to me if no one responded with a willingness to be there for me in that way. Are you suggesting I try to ask for a listening ear? I’m getting the message that everyone is too busy. And to keep reaching out feels too vulnerable. I tell myself the story that I can’t take another rejection right now.

      • It’s tough isn’t it. You are worthy of love, not because of anything you do or say, just because you are. We all are. We can put our friends and ourselves through tests to try to prove it but we will inevitably find we’re not getting the test results we hoped for, so let’s try not to do the tests and try to build faith in that worthiness. In my opinion a healthy world is one where we look after ourselves and our family first, our friends and community come after that. Sounds like you had a good day in nature which is great. When we’re running low it’s hard to find the energy to keep up the self care, but that’s a vicious circle. It’s ok to feel sad, tired, mad, full of grief, etc. Maybe try to frame your expectations of yourself with a little more kindness and recognise all the good stuff you’re doing. Getting the kids to school, getting groceries in, etc, these are achievements. When we’re flying high we can achieve more, when we’re just about keeping our heads above water, then we need to give ourselves a pat on the back for doing just that. It’s early days. It will get better but you can’t rush it. I’m home most of today and I’m very wiling to be your listening ear. xx

      • Thank you again for your kind words of encouragement. I know you’ve been through your fair share of tough times too, so I am so grateful and appreciate so deeply your willingness to share from this place of direct experience of grief and just trying to make it through another day. I’m learning that I can make this time of suffering mean something greater than just something to be tolerated or gotten through…that it can be an offering of sorts, this is an initiation of sorts, and on the other side of it I’ll be able to connect with others in a deeper and more meaningful way. ❤

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