Always at Choice

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After being blessed in my heart
with the miracle of forgiveness
and seeing with new eyes
for a few glorious, light-filled days,
the weight of real life
came crashing down upon me
and with it the story I had told so well.
It was the story of being wronged,
the story of betrayal, victimization
and loss.
I have rehearsed it frontwards,
backwards
up
and
down.
I know it word by word
and line by line;
hell, I could give a doctoral dissertation on it,
defend it before a group of intellectuals,
and I’m sure they’d award me with a degree in it—
Lorien Nemec, Ph.D.—
yes, I’m THAT good at my story.
As the familiar feelings of depression,
heaviness, sadness and powerlessness returned
I wondered why I couldn’t sustain
the good feelings for longer.
And then it occurred to me
(again, because I knew this already)
I’m always at choice.
If I want to change
I need to keep making the new choice
until it becomes a habit…
Otherwise the old choices
will always take over.
It’s time to wield this power of choice
and keep telling the new story
until I’m as good at telling it
and living it
as I’ve been with telling
and living the old.

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