There is a deep loneliness in me
and I can remember it being there since
fourth grade at least,
this feeling of being alone
no matter how many people are around,
of being invisible, unseen
even when others say my name,
This loneliness eats away at me…
something about being different, unworthy…
and I want to answer it.
I want to say,
But see? I have students who listen to me.
But my students always go home,
and eventually I find myself alone again.
For a few years marriage and motherhood
precluded the possibility of being truly alone,
but since he left me, I find myself
without my children half of the time,
and that’s when I feel most lonely.
Yes, yes, yes you self-helpers out there,
I know I need to be a friend to myself,
love myself, court myself,
make love to myself, welcome myself,
YES YES YES I know all this already.
No use reminding me.
The fact that I can know
and not implement this knowing
makes me even more lonely.
What will help me?
Even in the darkest moments
of loneliness and isolation
one thing I know…
I am not the only one
feeling this lonely.
Maybe we can share
in our loneliness, together.
All over this world,
hearts reaching out
with threads of longing for connection,
could we wrap this world
in our longing
and know the breadth and depth of our work?
Maybe our loneliness
is our offering…