Confessions

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I drank some wine tonight…
specifically to alter my mood.
I was feeling anxious
and exhausted from enduring
the difficult feelings.
I wanted them to change.
I want to escape these feelings.
I wonder why I had children.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I wish I could run away.
My children are the only reason
I’m still here in this part of the world.
I’ve thought about leaving this planet
many times this past year.
I’ve had more thoughts like these
since the holiday season has arrived.
The anger is back and so is the depression.
I wonder how long I can make it
feeling like this.
I don’t want to have to take pills.
I want to lick this on my own.
But it is licking me.
I’m angry at life.
Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.
Then I’m ashamed that I haven’t
fixed my life by now.
I keep working to improve myself,
but the deeper I dig
the more faults I discover.
Why did I start digging in the first place?
I could go on forever,
but you probably wouldn’t read this,
and your reading this is one of the only reasons
I’m writing this.
I thought this was for me,
but really it’s because I long to be seen
and heard and understood.
Thanks for listening.

6 responses »

  1. This is to be done by one skilled in aims
    who wants to break through to the state of peace:
    Be capable, upright, & straightforward,
    easy to instruct, gentle, & not conceited,
    content & easy to support,
    with few duties, living lightly,
    with peaceful faculties, masterful,
    modest, & no greed for supporters.

    Do not do the slightest thing
    that the wise would later censure.

    Think: Happy, at rest,
    may all beings be happy at heart.
    Whatever beings there may be,
    weak or strong, without exception,
    long, large,
    middling, short,
    subtle, blatant,
    seen & unseen,
    near & far,
    born & seeking birth:
    May all beings be happy at heart.

    Let no one deceive another
    or despise anyone anywhere,
    or through anger or irritation
    wish for another to suffer.

    As a mother would risk her life
    to protect her child, her only child,
    even so should one cultivate a limitless heart
    with regard to all beings.
    With good will for the entire cosmos,
    cultivate a limitless heart:
    Above, below, & all around,
    unobstructed, without enmity or hate.
    Whether standing, walking,
    sitting, or lying down,
    as long as one is alert,
    one should be resolved on this mindfulness.
    This is called a sublime abiding
    here & now.

    Not taken with views,
    but virtuous & consummate in vision,
    having subdued desire for sensual pleasures,
    one never again
    will lie in the womb.

    https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.than.html

    • Thanks for sharing this, friend. I have to say, though, that although inspired to some degree when I read these words, there is another part of me that despairs at what appears to be an impossible expectation for me and my attainment. Having been caught up in so much hurt, grief, pain, loss, devastation…and annihilation, to wish well on those who hurt me seems like such a tall order and impossible for me to imagine (at this point). I have gone to the other end of the spectrum and have visualized on many occasions those who hurt me being met with terrible acts of violence and wounding. It is alarming to me that my mind would go there, and I certainly won’t act on my violent thoughts, but I think in the end it is a process of grieving and healing…and when I am ready, forgiving. And then maybe at that point I’ll be ready to wish them well. Thanks for listening.

      • Forgive me for my clumsiness. I merely wanted to share some of the words of the Buddha that have helped me to recall that, despite all of the cruelty and suffering in the world, the hearts of the Enlightened Ones (and our self-same hearts) incline always to live and compassion. I see that inclination and longing to love unconditionally in your every post and I had hoped to remind you that it’s always there. Wishing you every good blessing and succor.

      • Friend, I didn’t think your gesture was at all clumsy; I know that you had kind intentions behind it. I was simply sharing what arose in me as I read the words of the Buddha. Such wonderful aspirations…and…I’m feeling so pathetically broken these days that it seems like a faraway dream to imagine I could wish my husband and his mistress well…especially this time of year, when they are engaging with my children in holiday activities and I’m at home feeling worthless and alone. My emotions swing from red-hot rage to deepest, darkest despair and it’s hard to discern where I am and who I am in the midst of these fluctuations. My yoga and meditation never prepared me for this degree of heartbreak and loss, nor the speed with which my feelings morph from manageable to unmanageable, nor the lack of consistency of perception. Sometimes I’m okay with what happened, grateful even, given that, in all likelihood, I never would have become the woman I was born to be in our marriage (he was putting me down far too frequently and blaming me for everything that went wrong, was seemingly incapable of taking ownership of his part of the relationship); other times, the grief of loss is so deep and so intense, and I remember what it felt like to love him in all the ways that I expressed my love; the feeling of being abandoned and with no acknowledgment of the stress caused, no apology for the pain, just complete disregard, and even more abuse heaped on top of what had already been dealt. I feel caught in a dark sea of swirling, negative emotions, some of them very old, and I wonder how I will make it through this without drowning. But thank you again for taking the time to share and reflect and for your well-wishes.🙏🏻✨

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