Listening To It

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I feel lost, alone, directionless, uncomfortable.
What is my purpose?
It says: You have no purpose.
But why I am I alive?
It says: There is no reason. You should end it.
But what about my children?
It says: They’d be better off without you.
And my yoga students?
It says: You’ve been lying to them all along.
It’s time they knew the truth.

But surely this will one day get better?
It says: Not for you. You will never be happy.
But what about nature? The sun? The forest?
The cycles of life?
It says: What about them? You’re still depressed.
You’ll always be depressed. Face it. End it.

But I can’t do that to them. To my friends. My family.
It says: Why not? They don’t care. Not really.
Not enough to help you or save you.

I know there are other voices in my head.
Why is It the loudest?

6 responses »

  1. It’s only the loudest voice because it’s the one you’re focusing on listening to. Don’t. Stop. Listen to a voice that will tell you ways to get out of this predicament. Listen to the practical planner instead and tell that other voice **** you, I’ll show you you’re wrong.

    • Ah…this is wise advice. And I wish I felt like I had the power to stop. There is a compulsion to hear the negative messaging, a compulsion to believe that it is true. And then to be able to put up a fight, that takes energy. I feel more drained of energy than I have ever felt. It’s interesting to watch as everything seems so futile and hopeless, and yet I continue teaching yoga and taking care of my children…

      • Listen to the second half of that last sentence that you wrote again: “I continue teaching yoga and taking care of my children”. I am visualizing this little demon dancing in your head giving you all the **** about the problems that you haven’t yet solved but there you are strong standing next to it, getting the final word in. “I continue teaching yoga and taking care of my children. I continue teaching yoga and taking care of my children.” It can say what it wants but you have the last word in and all the little devil tantrum hasn’t let you lose grip on these two important things. I’m not sure where you’re located, but there are many areas where not having a fixed address is neither uncommon nor a reflection on you as a person, just the local economics of housing prices vs typical income. The person you are is the one who continues teaching yoga and taking care of her children.

      • This is powerful. Thank you so much for this reminder. Sometimes I get so enmeshed in the dark thinking that I’m blind to what is actually good about me. I’m glad I have friends like you who are able to point out the good in me and my life. Thank you so much. 🙏🏻❤️✨

      • You are welcome. I’ve not been on wp too much recently as so busy, so I don’t see all your posts. I hope I can always help. It is easier to see the path out of a maze when you’re standing on the top edge looking in.

      • Such a good image. Thank you. I’d love it if you could keep shouting out directions​ from up there. I’m feeling pretty lost right now.

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