After thinking about it for quite some time,
I think I’ve gotten it all wrong again,
and I’m willing to admit this,
and apologize, and own my part,
and ask for your forgiveness.
I write this in the spirit of a truce,
and I hope you can read this in kind.
Please forgive me.
I love you.*
I never meant for there to be animosity.
I was just hurting deeply.
My hurt became a habit, an identity.
I’m working to change that,
to identify with what is healthy and good.
I really want you to be well, to do well,
to be happy, to do good in this world.
I want to leave the past behind,
and start off somewhere fresh.
This isn’t about us anymore, afterall—
it’s about those two beautiful beings
that look up to us for guidance and instruction.
They are watching us, counting on us,
noticing our every move,
our every word.
We’re teaching them about life every day
whether we know it or not,
and we need to step up to the plate.
New game. New day.
I’m willing to play fair, for their sake.
I’m willing to get along for their sake.
*It might be shocking for you to know that I do still love you. Let me explain. When it’s really and truly love, it doesn’t go away just because the other person changes and goes away. When it’s love, it’s always there, regardless of what transpires. Of course the dynamic has changed so profoundly that the love got buried under conditions and the shifting sands of time…but just as before all this happened, I still want you to be happy, healthy and fulfilled. I still want you to be safe; I still want you to know love, even if it isn’t with me. You have your freedom; you always did with me, even though my pain has been too immense to accept and embody this freedom in the moments you’ve seen me. The expression of love has changed as our relationship has changed. I don’t feel it in the same way or in the same places. But it isn’t all gone. It’s just different. I want you to live a good life.