A Note to My Brain

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Dear Brain,

The jig is up.
I’m on to you.
I know how you work now.

I know that you’ve been conditioned
to believe negative thoughts,
and you are going to keep regurgitating
these thoughts
until I choose to train you otherwise.

Well, my dear brain,
I’m choosing to train you otherwise.

I won’t believe all those horrid things he said.
Not anymore.
I won’t believe that I was worthless.
I won’t believe that it was all my fault.
I won’t believe that I was just a taker—
I know I wasn’t.

Brain, it’s time for the TRUTH.
I did everything I could.
I was ENTITLED to my own thoughts and feelings.
It just didn’t work out between us,
and this wasn’t my fault.
I tried to get us to marital therapy.
I tired to share my experiences, my hopes and fears.
I thought if I worked hard enough on me,
things would get better.
They didn’t.
It’s not my fault.

Brain, I can’t stay married
to someone who just doesn’t love me, okay?
I can’t stay married to someone
who isn’t willing to be responsible for their part.
I can’t stay married to someone who blames me
for everything that goes wrong in their life.

Brain, I deserve more, do you hear me?
I deserve so much more.

I deserve someone who loves me
not in spite of my shortcomings
but because of them.

I deserve someone who lights up
when I walk into the room.

I deserve to be made love to
so tenderly and sweetly,
with care and reverence.

I deserve to be celebrated for my gifts,
and supported and encouraged in their expression.

After all this time, brain, the jig is up.
You don’t get to tell me how this goes anymore.
I don’t want my present to be a recycled version
of my painful past.

I get to choose. And I choose love.
And health. And happiness. And celebration.
Thanks for listening.

Sincerely yours,

Lorien

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