Love More Open

Standard

A part of my healing journey
has been to loosen up a little
on some of my routines.
I have been accused of being rigid,
too attached to my routines,
and each time I felt the urge
to defend my practices
if not out loud,
then inwardly, to myself.
As I began to peer inside a little more,
I could see how my routines were sometimes fillers,
excuses not to be completely present,
because I could check out
as I attended to them…
and so this need to defend my practices
came from anxiety that they might not be serving me,
and the pain of feeling like my time spent doing them
was a complete waste.
Then again…
Is there such a thing?
Could it be that my practices served me then,
but I eventually outgrew them,
and now they no longer serve me
the way they did before?
Could I drop the shame around change?
Don’t we learn by making mistakes?
Can’t I ease up about being perfect, being right,
and instead, can I welcome this moment
with my heart that yearns to love more open?

2 responses »

  1. “Could I drop the shame around change?”, yes I believe we can. I love the way you wrote this last piece. In this time of my life I am sitting wondering the same thing.
    I too want to feel always right. Always in control and try not to get myself in an uncomfortable position by holding on to my rigid ways and my strict way of living…. Do we really live at all?
    I mean, when we are in control in all areas of our lives, do we really live?
    Or do we merely sit beside the road watching others make mistakes….

    • Such beautiful awareness; thank you for sharing! I agree that when I’m attempting to control everything, it doesn’t feel like real living…it just feels stressful!

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