Category Archives: marriage

What You Left Behind

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You never cared about my words before,
but now, suddenly, you do?
You think you can use them to hurt me?
The joke’s on you.
If you’re going to read them,
you might as well know,
that I will love you always,
although not as before.
You share a bed with another now…
Do her eyes meet yours with equal intensity?
Will she be there for you if you fall?
Does she love your family like I still do?
Will she hold your nieces and nephews 
in her heart, will she look into their eyes?
Will she make you pajamas too?
Will she make your bed?
Will she wash your clothes?
Will she scoop the litter box?
Will she bring you tall glasses of ice water
in the summertime
when you’re outside doing yard work?
Will she stand up to you
when you try to force your hand?
Or will she just drink and watch TV with you?
Enjoy a rock concert or two,
a fancy dinner, a fancy vacation,
just her and you…
That’s what you wanted, yes?
Another you, with longer hair
and a female body
to help you forget
what you left behind.



NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 24: An Elegy

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Today’s prompt…write an elegy.  Maybe you can figure out to whom I am writing the elegy?

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I could feel you after I met him,
and the promise of you drew nearer
and nearer
with each meeting.
And then the day came
when you were finally a reality.
Friends and family gathered
to celebrate your beginning,
such a joyous occasion.
I had such high hopes for you,
invested in you with my heart and soul.
I had longed for you my whole life
and here you were.
They told me you would be difficult,
so I didn’t bring any false hopes going in.
I was willing to roll up my sleeves
and do the work to keep you going
for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
But you began to fail.
And try as I might to keep you alive,
he no longer wanted you,
and he chose to let you die.
No…that’s not it.
He chose to kill you.
He even mocked you,
disrespected your memory,
threw away your remains
as if you never existed.
And I tried to pick up all the pieces,
to make some sense of what happened.
There was no saving you;
I wonder if you were ever really there.
And now I weep for you.
I miss you.
I had you for eight years,
and now you are gone.
Rest in peace;
you are remembered by me
and you will live forever
in the gratitude I feel
for the lessons you brought me.

They Listen

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And then I discovered
It’s all in my mind
And the world he sees—
it’s all in his mind too.
And we have as many worlds
as we have brains
to think about them.
And where do these worlds converge?
On some courageous shore
encircling a vast ocean of intimacy
intrepid voyagers
enquire of one another.
And they listen to the answers.

Unavailable

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A knock on my bedroom door.
I opened it a crack.
Are you available to talk, he asked?
It was late, I was tired,
and I was pretty sure
he wanted to convince me
to take his point of view on something
with which I wholeheartedly disagreed.
Are you available to talk?
No, I said, and shut the door.
No explanation.
I just shut the door.
And it was so satisfying!
After eight years of attempts
at real connection,
of trying to get him to articulate
his true feelings
and receiving criticism
for everything I am
and everything I do,
he has forfeited any right
to be in my presence
when I don’t want him there.
Tonight I was unavailable,
and damn it felt good.

Before The Dream

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Something is slipping away.
Is it the love I once felt,
or is it the illusion of love
making way for a new truth?
I see him and I’m still grieving,
but something new is there;
a hope, a wish, a desire
for a better life,
a bigger adventure,
a time when I can be held
by someone who loves
without the need to keep tabs.
Back in this room,
back in this house,
our house,
I wonder how much more life I’ll live
before the dream becomes reality.

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

In the Face of Opposition

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Disaster.
Misunderstanding.
Even though I was up early,
two kittens and a sleepy husband
started my day off with mayhem.
I wanted to sit first,
woke him up as I tried
to evict the cats from the room,
as he awoke he asked why I wanted to sit now–
he thought I should wait…
and this opened up a can of worms.
After five years of maintaining my daily practice,
I’m still wanting his support and understanding,
and he is still not giving it in the way I had hoped.
And this is part of my practice
and part of learning how to be in a marriage, I guess.
This is what I tell myself anyway.
At times like this I dream
of living in a community of like-minded practitioners,
but is this what will help me grow?
I must need to develop more conviction
because my husband is giving me an opportunity
to stand my ground and maintain my practice
even in the face of opposition.