Category Archives: parenting

At The End Of The Day

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I just want to be a good mother.
I try so hard.
And at the end of the day,
I lose it sometimes.
I lose it with my kids
when I’m tired and they’re tired.
There used to be another adult around
who’d step in
when I couldn’t anymore.
That adult is gone.
When I’m tired and sick
there is no one else to take care of me
but me.
I’m tired of taking care of myself,
tired of being alone.
I want help.
It’s in these moments
that the anger wells up
if I don’t stop it.
I get angry for being thrust into this place
of missing my kids when they’re not here
and overwhelmed when they are.
I’m tired of this mess, this story.
I can do so well for hours and hours.
I can be proud of my mothering,
the balance I manage to find.
But at the end of the day
I’m tired and they’re tired
and sometimes I just lose it.

Made It Through

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Spring was in the air,
so I threw open
all the windows,
rolled up my sleeves,
and got to work.
Load after load of laundry,
sorting through odd bits,
vacuuming,
tidying,
organizing,
cleaning…
so much cleaning.
Kids got home
and we went out,
out to the forest.
We slogged through mud,
over streams
and fallen logs,
slippery stones,
yellow-green moss.
Back home, homework,
dinner, bath,
reading together,
then bed.
I AM SO EXHAUSTED
AND I THINK I MIGHT HATE
SINGLE-PARENTING
THIS IS NOT
WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR
Then I write this
stream of consciousness poem,
and soon I’ll write in my
gratitude journal.
Ahh, I made it through another day.


We Can Do This

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Tired to the bone,
and so completely done
with this day,
but it’s only 4PM
and it’s time to be a mom.
I find strength for one more breath,
one more step.
I realize I am not alone,
that there are many other mothers
finding strength for one more breath,
one more step.
I breathe into my heart,
taking all of the exhaustion
for myself and all exhausted mothers,
into the infinitely vast space
of my open heart.
I breathe out,
sending out strength,
comfort, hope, and a dash of humor.
We can do this.

Night Life of a Single Mom

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I am so tired
I feel it in my bones.
I’d love some energy for me
now that day is done,
time to write, to think,
to dream about what is to come.
But with kids in bed
I’m so out of my head tired
all I have the energy to do
is brush my teeth
and get to bed myself.
What a party animal I’ve become!
This is when the old thoughts return,
and I have to fight
to keep them from taking hold again.
I pray for rest, for blessed
deep sleep,
for tomorrow is coming soon
and I have promises to keep.

When Will I Feel Whole?

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And so the dark night passed,
and I awoke with new hope…
and then this morning at breakfast
my daughter was unkind.
Eight years old and
knows exactly what to say
to poke at the most tender spot.
I’m glad you’re not coming
with us to Utah.
I was devastated,
hurt and angry…
Tired, undernourished,
and without the resources
to be skillful.
I asked if she wanted the other woman
to be her mother.
A most definitive NO was her answer.
It seems the joke is on me.
As much as I try
even a child can break me.
It’s easy to do when my life was shattered
in so many pieces
and my tears are the only glue I have
to hold them together.
I wonder if I’ll ever again
be put back together in one piece.
I wonder…
When will I feel whole again?

Evidence

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I’m tired.
The opposite of inspired.
I was told by five people
to be careful what I post
on my Instagram and Facebook accounts,
given how social media posts
can be used as evidence
in a court of law.
Evidence of what?
That I’m human?
That I have feelings?
That I’m going through a difficult time?
That I’m completely justified
in what I’m thinking and feeling?
They can twist what you write,
I was told,
and make your words 
into something they’re not.
At first I rebelled.
I thought about our broken legal system
and the measures put into place
to discourage people from speaking up.
But then I remembered my children.
I remembered that I want them in my life.
And the little girl in me
stopped her tantrum,
went back to her room
and closed the door.