Alright, so let’s say you’ve broken free
of all of the constraints of your past,
everyone’s ideas of who you should be,
the accumulation of the world’s tension
around being “right” and “wrong,”
and any residual hesitation seeping out
from your genetic or cultural
or religious or societal inheritance.
Let’s say that you’ve arrived in this moment
aware of your complete, total, and utter freedom,
to be, do, think and have anything your heart desires.
Knowing that you are completely free
and no one can hold you back,
now what will you do?
Can someone please tell me
just what is enough?
What is a big enough house,
or how much is enough food
to be able to live in health?
And why are there those
living with very little
who manage to be happy,
and then there are
those who live in excess
who are miserable?
And then there are those
who simply don’t have enough
and they live in despair,
and there are those with a surplus
who are celebrating their good fortune…
And then there is everyone in-between,
fluctuating with gratitude and trust,
allowing, resisting, judging, surrendering.
And then, and I’m still wondering about this—
there are people
who don’t have access to clean drinking water,
while I take luxurious baths with candles,
and epsom salt and essential oils,
and I really can’t understand why this disparity exists….
It’s a good thing we humans are so resilient.
Otherwise all this variety
could really make us lose our minds.
I’d really love to understand
why some people have received their stimulus checks
and I have not.
I want to understand
why some people have received unemployment benefits
and I have not.
It took two months for my tax return to come in,
and others received theirs after two weeks.
I am a single mother and am starting to sweat it,
being in this holding pattern, waiting, waiting
to hear news.
So I am making call after call after call.
And…guess what keeps happening?
I keep getting placed on hold.
Holding pattern, placed on hold,
maybe I just need to be held!
I know complaining won’t help,
so I am asking for your prayers, friends.
Could you please pray that
what is mine arrives swiftly, without delay?
Could you visualize me and my kids flourishing,
with plenty of resources to keep our household going?
Thanks for your help.
A part of my healing journey
has been to loosen up a little
on some of my routines.
I have been accused of being rigid,
too attached to my routines,
and each time I felt the urge
to defend my practices
if not out loud,
then inwardly, to myself.
As I began to peer inside a little more,
I could see how my routines were sometimes fillers,
excuses not to be completely present,
because I could check out
as I attended to them…
and so this need to defend my practices
came from anxiety that they might not be serving me,
and the pain of feeling like my time spent doing them
was a complete waste.
Is there such a thing?
Could it be that my practices served me then,
but I eventually outgrew them,
and now they no longer serve me
the way they did before?
Could I drop the shame around change?
Don’t we learn by making mistakes?
Can’t I ease up about being perfect, being right,
and instead, can I welcome this moment
with my heart that yearns to love more open?
I felt like I wasn’t taking enough time for nourishment,
so I spent some time in the kitchen yesterday and today,
making myself nourishing soups and salads…what a triumph!
But then I didn’t sew as many masks as I thought I would,
and I just felt tired from standing, chopping, cooking,
and what I really wanted was someone to cook for me.
Last weekend I was productive, making multiple masks a day,
but I didn’t get to my meditation until very late,
and I felt so off from not beginning my day with meditation,
as I have been doing for over eight years now.
The week before that my meditation practice was simply sublime,
but my kitchen was a disaster and I was terribly hungry
and tried to ignore my body’s hunger signs (which is bad, don’t do that)
and gave myself meager rations of whatever
because I didn’t want to bother with cooking.
When my kids are here they drive me crazy with their bickering
and the clumsy way they thunder about the piles of disorganization
and when they’re gone my nervous system goes haywire
because we are hardwired to gather close when times are tough…
I crave space when my home is noisy with my children’s needs,
and I crave their voices when the silence in my house feels too spacious…
How do I find balance when the center is always shifting?
There is no reason to worry
once you’ve realized that worrying
But I keep forgetting
that worrying doesn’t help.
How do I remember?
If we’re going to evolve as a species,
we need to collectively understand
that the struggle for survival is over,
and we can actually relax, breathe,
slow down and enjoy the lives we have.
The question is,
are you willing to drop the habit
Some part of me keeps waiting
for the magic wand to be waved
or some swtich to be flipped
or some magical incantation uttered…
My whole life is fixed…
But I’ve been around long enough
to know that life doesn’t work like this.
Which is a good thing, come to think of it,
because how many times have I been grateful
for unanswered prayers?
What if I could experience myself as good enough?
What if I could see my life as good enough?
What if I saw myself as a good enough mom?
What if I really believed I was a good enough teacher,
daughter, neighbor, artist, sister, musician, cousin, friend?
If I stopped telling the story that there is something wrong with me
and started telling a new one called
I AM ENOUGH
What would happen then?
What if it were so much simpler
than I had previously thought?
What if thought has nothing to do with it?
What if I could just breathe, listen
for my deeper guidance,
and do one thing at a time,
with no hysterical interjections
from my anxious mind?