Category Archives: questions

Authenticity, Safety, and Purpose: Some Thoughts on the WHYs of This Blog

Standard

Today I’ve spent a great deal of time in my head mulling over the virtue of being fully disclosed, vulnerable, and authentic as we reveal our humanity to one another, versus the way we’ve been conditioned to hide what we think will make others uncomfortable—so that we can pretend we’re okay, and just sweep things under the rug, and just get on with our lives. This blog has been a space where I’ve purposefully made myself vulnerable, 1)As a space to explore my feelings in what I considered to be relative anonymity, because, honestly, no one in my life has ever really given a crap about this blog, so no one I know personally has ever followed it, and 2)As a way to connect with other humans who are interested in exploring the depths of feeling and being along with me.

Recently, however, multiple people have cautioned me against disclosing too much, and now I’m grappling with the idea that I might have to succumb to this societal proclivity to play nice, whistle a cheerful tune, and lay low until the storms have blown over…or worse, I’ll have to just suck it up, push my difficult feelings down, and be on my own with them until the storms have blown over. In either case, I’ll not be able to express myself authentically as I have been doing, and that feels just plain wrong. I have come to look forward to this time of sharing, reaching out, and connecting with the humans in this space who are brave enough to stand with me in the truth of what it means to be fully, consciously alive.  I have come to value immensely the words of empathy and encouragement from those readers who have taken the time to comment and let me know that I’m not posting in a void, but there are actual, real people, reading my actual, real words, and my words mean something to them, evoke something in them…

Where do I go from here?  In light of the recent trolling, the sense of safety I experienced in the past has been dashed to pieces, and I’m being pushed to make decisions out of fear of legal consequences.  I’m full of questions and the answers aren’t forthcoming.  I was given the argument “But your blog is public,” as a reason for why I should never have felt safe disclosing my personal thoughts and feelings; I was always running the risk of someone I knew reading what I had written, a risk that hardly bothered me at all. I always thought to myself, “If someone I know reads what I’ve written, good then, they’ll know how I really feel.  They’ll know I’m human.”  To have the potential for unpleasant legal consequences thrown in my face in an attempt to deter me from honestly sharing my experience feeds into the belief that we shouldn’t be real with one another, being real is unacceptable, being real is criminal, telling the truth of our experience is undesirable, etc. AUGHH.  Or how about this one—we can only be real with certain people, safe people, and everyone else gets a persona, a fabrication of a false self that will do the trick of navigating social interactions while hiding the deeper truth that waits in all of us to be expressed.  

No wonder our society is rampant with addiction! We’re being told constantly that only some parts of us are wanted and acceptable. Only some parts are worthy of being shared.  All of the other parts get stuffed down, and while we’re pushing and pushing against them to keep them down, these unwanted, unacceptable, unlovable parts are pushing and pushing back at us to be expressed.  We use any number of addictive behaviors to numb those parts down so that they don’t give us so much grief, but they remain there beneath the surface, clamoring for attention and starting their push to escape once the anesthetic wears off.

I made a conscious choice long ago not to play the addiction game. Decades of journaling and seven years of therapy, over a year of twelve step meetings and lots of sharing on Facebook, Instagram, and here has given me a sense of absolute responsibility to show up as my full self, regardless.  This is my LIFE for God’s sake! Agreeing to back down now feels like a serious integrity breach, especially when, if you back away from the situation and look in, nothing that I’ve written is earth-shattering, nothing will sully anyone’s reputation…I’m just an ordinary woman writing about my ordinary life, and the fact that there are a few people out there who give a damn about it has been a beautiful bonus.  Give that up now, when most other outlets for self-expression have fallen away? NO!

I don’t know what’s next. I’m going to think some more about this and decide if YogaMom should go on an extended hiatus while I figure my shit out…and then I can come back as YogaMom 2.0…and focus more on healthy lifestyle crap instead of my mental/emotional crap. Ugh. Would that serve anyone, though? Would privately working through the ugly dark night of my soul and waiting until I got “better” to post again actually help anyone? I’m inclined to believe that our pain links us to one another and reminds us that in this crazy game of life no one is spared devastation and annihilation…and when Life wants you to transform, it will do it to you, regardless of how ready you are or not.  Sharing my story was a way for me to reach out and invite others to see that they are not alone in their own personal hell, but in fact, I am right there with them.  I’ve been operating within the vision that at some point I will get better, and anyone interested can follow along and watch as this happens, and that perhaps my journey will help others who are suffering to see that they can get through their devastation one day at a time, just like me.

Maybe, though, it’s time to just be honest with myself.  My posts may have helped nothing and no one.  They may have just been moments of self-indulgence, clear evidence that I don’t have enough maturity to process these difficult feelings on my own and therefore need to “over share.” I just don’t know. I probably need to back away a least a little bit to gain some clarity over what purpose my posts were truly serving.  If they are not bringing value to the lives of others, then it’s probably time for them to stop…

Do I Keep Going?

Standard

Do I keep going?
I found out my blog has been infiltrated
by trolls of the one I loved,
the one who hurt me the most.
He read my words here.
Now he criticizes me for writing them.
He claims I could somehow be hurting my children
by being sad.
He says I need to take better care of myself
for their sake.
And I feel violated.
It’s crazy, I know,
but I thought I was safe here.
He never cared about my writing before;
in fact, he wanted me to stop.
He told me I wrote too much.
But now that we are estranged,
now he takes an interest in my words,
so that he can use them
as ammunition against me?
If I shut down my blog
he’d be winning.
I wish I knew how best to respond.


Yoga Mom friends…has anyone here been through this type of situation, where an ex-partner is trolling your online world? A part of me wants to continue to allow him access to the chronicles of my thoughts and feelings on this blog; maybe a miracle will occur and he’ll grow some capacity to feel some real feelings.  Another part of me believes that he has forfeited the right to see the depth of my pain, to gain entry to this part of my consciousness; he has expressed no remorse for what he has done to our marriage and family and shows no sign of letting up as he posts one year anniversary pictures of him and his mistress.  This is ugly and unfair. Do I leave the blog up or take it down? Do I start a new blog where I don’t talk about any of this stuff any more? Do I set this blog to private?  I resent this intrusion. Thank you in advance to anyone able to share their thoughts here.

The Asking

Standard

Who am I to dream,
to believe these dreams could be fulfilled?
Who am I to envision,
to see myself serving in a bigger way?
Who am I to imagine,
to fantasize that the Divine wants me
just as much as I want it?
I have no idea who I am,
but I know that I am not
who I once thought I was.
God bless this journey
toward the unknowable destiny
of my dreams, visions and heart.
Bless the questions that I ask,
that they may swell into
wide open doorways of possibility.
Let me surrender into this process
of asking again and again,
Who am I
until someday
I can understand
it’s the asking—
not the knowing—
that calls life
back home to life.

My New Normal

Standard

Swirls of feeling…constantly.
Will the waves ever let up,
will I always be tossed
on this turbulence,
or should I embrace
this intensity and surrender
to the currents moving through me?
Does deeper feeling
mean deeper experience?
Does more darkness
mean more light?
Tears and then laughter.
Rage and then serenity.
I try to hold myself together,
but who is doing the holding,
and who is in danger of falling apart?
I choose sobriety,
and without the buffer of some distraction
the feelings I’d been running from
hit me full force.
Is this my new normal…
and can I handle it?


New Day, New Hope

Standard

It’s a new day,
and with it comes renewed energy,
and renewed hope.
Can I keep the faith?
A woman said to me yesterday
Faith is spiritualized imagination.

Can I draw from Spirit and my imagination
a scenario that is in the highest and best interests
of everyone, including the one
I continue to blame for my misfortune?
God, give me strength.
Let me see the truth
and move forward with purpose.

I Know There Is More

Standard

I’m feeling sad,
wanting this moment to be different.
I want more space, more freedom.
I want financial autonomy.
I want to offer something that will help others.
I want to step into my power,
express my essence,
create something beautiful, inspiring.
But the depression returns
and covers me in a dark, heavy blanket
of lethargy, fear, anxiety, doubt, inertia.
How to break free?
I know there is more out there,
I know I am capable of more.
How do I move forward?