I don’t need to fix anything,
change anything,
or figure anything out.
Wait a minute.
Did I just say that?
Yes! Yes I did!
I don’t need to fix anything,
change anything,
or figure anything out.
I DON’T NEED TO FIX ANYTHING,
CHANGE ANYTHING,
OR FIGURE ANYTHING OUT!
It’s a miracle!
My posts have been spotty of late,
and my critical mind wants to lament
and wail about my lack of discipline.
Then the practical adult in me recounts
what I’ve been doing with my days and nights
and counters the critic with
Now just where do you think we’d find the time
to write when we’re not even getting enough time to sleep?
The critic then makes it a bad thing
to change my routine, to have a different schedule.
It’s addicted to feelings of shame, anxiety, and unworthiness.
It’s saying I need to go back to the way things were.
But things aren’t the way they were.
Not even a little.
Things have changed.
I am glad about that.
I am a part of all things,
even though my ego would tell me I am separate.
I have changed too.
I am glad about that.
I don’t need to feel guilty for changing,
for adopting a different routine,
for using my time in different ways.
Therefore, I am glad to write when I can,
and not a minute before.
(Takes a deep breath and lies down on the floor,
looks out the window at a puffy, white cloud floating
in the blue sky, relaxes and sighs.)
I am enough.
No. You’re not.
I am enough.
This is such a joke.
I am enough.
Stop fooling yourself!
I am enough.
You are delusional.
I am enough.
Just go get a job.
I am enough.
You are a dried up husk.
I am enough.
This is all your fault.
I am enough.
You’ll never succeed.
I am enough.
You’ll feel this way forever.
I am enough.
No one likes you.
I am enough.
Just shut up.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I give up.
I am enough.
At the end of the day,
if I can say I did my best,
well then, this must be good enough.
Sure, my credit cards are maxed,
there’s next to nothing in my checking account,
and I keep asking my mom for grocery money.
But there is a roof over my head,
my children are clean, fed and in bed,
and I’m breathing.
Yes. This.
This is good enough.
Radical self-approval is the key
to deep transformation.
Just practice loving yourself,
being kind to yourself,
celebrating yourself,
approving of yourself.
The relationship you have with yourself
will completely change.
Now imagine how you will relate to others
inside that space of unconditional love.
Still searching,
but a little more gently now,
to find the spark
within the spark
that will light
my soul on fire.
Your soul is already on fire.
Your fear thoughts dampen
your experience of it,
but the soul fire cannot be put out.
Trust you are
where you need to be.
Breathe. Relax.
But again
there’s that feeling
that something is wrong,
there is something
I should be doing,
fixing, planning,
organizing.
And then I remember,
these thoughts
will never stop.
I can befriend them,
I can accept them,
I can even love them,
but they’ll never disappear entirely…
and that’s ok.
The warmth
I extend to my
painful thoughts
will light the way back home
to the fire of my soul.
Today I wanted to change it up
and practice really liking myself,
really celebrating what I’m able to do.
And how do you think it went?
Do you think it was all
rainbows, puppies, bunnies,
singing, dancing, bubbles
and flowers?
Nope.
I was depressed as hell.
It seems like my system
doesn’t give in so easily.
After decades of telling myself
I’m never good enough,
it’s going to take more than one idea
on one day
to really experience
self-love, kindness, self-respect,
true friendship with my Self.
Today didn’t go as I had hoped,
but that’s ok.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up
and I’ll try again.
I can make peace with myself,
really love myself,
and then I don’t have to be
an approval junkie any more.
It’s when I have rejected myself
that I look outside for some proof
that I’m okay. Will you tell me I’m okay?
And then really, what then?
You tell me I’m okay—
will I believe you?
Will I need you to keep telling me
over and over again?
And the minute you stop,
will I not be okay anymore?
In the end, freedom is
being at home with oneself.
We can invite visitors every now and again,
but they can’t give us true belonging.
The real sense of welcome
glows from the hearth of the home within.
And then I began to see
to what degree
I was holding myself hostage
from Love.
I began to see
to what degree
I was afraid
of letting Love in.
And when I finally stopped
the war with myself
All that was left for me to see
was Love.
I find my anger is getting out of hand,
hot, explosive, uncontrollable, painful.
I stop and look inside.
Under the anger is grief.
Under the grief is fear,
the belief that something is wrong with me.
Behind the fear
there is a soft, tender spot,
a vulnerability,
the truth of my innocence.
If I can stay in touch with this innocence in me,
then I can see and honor the innocence in others.
And then real relationship is possible.
