Category Archives: self-awareness

No Destination

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I keep wondering when I’ll be better…
I recently added a second session
of therapy within the week,
and that question
keeps ricocheting in my mind:
When will I be better?
When will I be better?
and I wonder then
Hey, what’s wrong with me now?
Is there something so wrong
that I need to work hard to get better?
And then I remember
Life is a process.
It is a journey,
not a destination.
This process of becoming—
a journey, not a destination.
Awakening to self—
a journey, not a destination.
Instead of getting better,
maybe I can simply focus
on living well.
I can enjoy the journey
and accept
there is no destination.

No More

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My mind says “more” is the answer.
More money.
More time.
More rest.
More companionship.
More attention.
More food, more fun, more friends.
More understanding.
More patience.
More sunshine.
More travel.
And here’s my favorite,
after a year of celibacy—
more sex.
But the truth coming from my heart is
this is enough.
All of it.
Enough.
I have enough money, enough time, enough rest.
I get enough companionship, enough attention.
I have enough food, fun and friends,
enough understanding,
enough patience,
enough sunshine,
enough travel.
Now, because I haven’t had any in a year,
it’s a stretch to say
I have enough sex
but you know what?
Celibacy won’t kill me…
I am living proof.
So maybe, just maybe,
I can let “enough” be my mantra.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
Life is enough.
What will I say to my mind
when it argues with this?
No more.

Time For Bed

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Why am I so grumpy,
impatient,
quick tempered?
Why do I keep snapping at my kids?
Why is my house such a mess?
Why do I feel angry at my husband again?
Why does my life feel so disorganized?
Why am I so disappointed in myself
and everything about my current situation?
Oh yeah…
it’s time for bed.

From This Vantage Point

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As I got caught up in another wave
of disappointment, frustration and
misbelief at his lack of consideration,
a voice whispered to me
There is another way.
Suddenly I zoomed out
and looked in on my life
from another vantage point.
I saw myself trying to control
that which cannot be controlled.
I saw myself operating within
an outworn paradigm.
The voice said
What you are being asked to let go of
is nothing in comparison to what will come
when you make the space to receive it.
From this vantage point
all of my life’s events have unfolded
for my highest good
always, without exception.
From this vantage point,
it’s all good.
From this vantage point
I can feel grateful, peaceful,
at ease.
From this vantage point
I love my life and the woman I’ve become.
I think I’ll stay here and keep viewing my life
from this vantage point.

Eventually

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Just keep peeling back the layers.
As much as it hurts,
as scary as it is,
keep peeling back
the rage, fear,
betrayal, abandonment,
loss, loneliness,
heartbreak, resentment,
anxiety, and sadness.
Eventually
you’ll start to see the luminous being
waiting for you underneath all those layers.
Eventually
you’ll come to realize who you really are
and why you’re really here.
Eventually you’ll understand
that the being you’ve uncovered
is the one you’ve been wanting all along.

NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 15: Narcissus in the Spring

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Today we were invited to take a villain and humanize them.  Check out the prompt here. I have my villain.  If you’ve been following me you know who it is without trying too hard.

******************
He left us.
Left our marriage,
our family.
Left our children
to pursue another.
He lied.
Lied to me,
his family,
our friends,
created a camp,
started a war.
When I could sense the truth in my body,
he gaslighted me, told me I was crazy.
And now he wants my help.
How can I say no?
I met him nine years ago this month;
we were married eight years in November,
and the love doesn’t stop
even when he betrays the sanctity of our union.
He’s in pain.
He hurts and he doesn’t know the cause.
He wanted this transition to be the medicine
he’s been craving for two years now.
But the sorry sap doesn’t see his own folly.
If he can’t take ownership of his role
in our relationship
or any relationship for that matter,
he’ll be doomed forever,
caught in the endless cycle
of perceived victimhood,
looking outside of himself for the answers
that can only come from deep within.
No matter.
By the time all of this catches up to him
I’l be gone.
I’ve watched the narcissus blossom in the spring.
Anything could happen.

As I Look Out

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Ah, the paradox of awakening…
the detachment from the desire
for the thing I think
I absolutely need
in order to be happy,
the letting go
of the thing
I want to hold on to
with all of my soul.
The disappearing into nothingness
when some part of me
wants differentiation and connection.
Maybe this path is just about holding
different realities in my consciousness,
Learning and discerning which realities
bring me to the threshold of self-knowing,
and ultimately choosing the experience
I create as I look out
into the world.