Category Archives: self-awareness

Relaxed Awareness

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Relaxing into being,
into acceptance of this moment…
This is not complacency,
it is sanity.
When I resist this moment,
I spend my energy trying to push reality
into my contracted idea of
how things “should” be.
Living this way is painful.
It’s exhausting.
It’s hopeless.
It’s insane.
I’m choosing another way.
I choose to accept this moment.
I care deeply about what is happening,
so I’m not going to accept it in apathy and silence.
No, I will accept this moment consciously,
see it for what it is,
and then decide how I’ll respond,
all from a place of relaxed awareness,
with no attachment to a particular result.
Grateful that this is a practice…
I don’t have to get it right.
I just have to try.
Wish me luck!

Nourishment

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I allowed myself to be nourished today.
I let myself wake up naturally.
The sun was shining.
I let myself be nourished by my home,
the quiet, the comforts.
I nourished my body with healthy food,
plenty of water,
a good walk outside, sunshine, fresh air.
My heart was nourished by the warmth
of a single mom friend who walked with me.
Back home,
I felt completely uninspired to cook myself dinner.
I ordered in,
paid for some kind soul to cook for me.
This felt like a true luxury
as the food was delivered to my door
and I gave thanks many times as I ate.
I let myself settle into rest
earlier than normal.
It feels so strange to be this well-nourished.
I want this feeling to be more familiar.
God, let deep rest and nourishment
become normal for me.

I’m Writing Now

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I don’t know if it’s a sign of exhaustion
or apathy,
or straight up resistance,
but lately I haven’t been as consistent
with my writing
as I was in the past…
My inner perfectionist is horrified.
My inner critic is sneering.
My inner child is sad.
Oh well. I’m writing now.
I’m writing now.
And this moment is good enough.

Lighten Up

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I moved a bunch of stuff in my house today
to revitalize the energy and give the space
a pick me up.

Translation:
I moved a bunch of clutter
down to the basement today
because I couldn’t stand my living room anymore.

Truth:
Wow. I have so much stuff!
Wow. I feel ashamed of how much stuff I have!
And somehow, I need to be compassionate,
because that works better than attacking myself.
Gee. Life gets complicated sometimes.
All I wanted to do was declutter my living room,
and I end up contemplating ancestral trauma,
the struggle for survival,
and the belief that we need to hold on to everything,
because we might need something later and feel regret if it’s not there.
Takeaway:
The deeper I go, the more significant everything becomes.
Maybe I just need to lighten up!

Can’t Control How I Grow

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I was sitting in meditation earlier today
and it occurred to me
that the self of my future
won’t suffer from my current problems,
because I will have outgrown them.
But then I realized, I’ll have new problems.
I wondered what my new problems will be
when I’ve outgrown my current ones.
And then I realized I’m looking forward
to the different problems I’ll have
when I’ve outgrown my current ones
.
Well…time to start growing faster!
Time to start growing better!
Time to start growing more intentionally,
and productively and strategically and—
wait, what?
I can’t control how I grow?
I guess I’ll just take a deep breath,
and rest in gratitude for what is here now.

This One Moment

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Part of navigating this whole time of uncertainty
has been learning how to let go of expectations
and go with the flow. I know, I know…
I’m not saying anything new or earth shattering,
but it’s new for me to let go of control
and just accept this moment as it is.
I am not complacent, don’t get me wrong—
I still have preferences, ideas, desires, wishes—
but the difference is, I’m practicing welcoming
what is here in this moment, and choosing
how to respond from a place that is deeper
than what my ego thinks it wants or deserves.
I’m glad to know that this is a practice,
because I’ve been trying so long to be perfect,
and it’s just exhausting, so exhausting,
trying to get everything right.
Now, I’ll just breathe. I’ll take a slow deep breath,
and I’ll give thanks. I’ll give thanks for this moment,
this one moment of my life.

The Way You Do Anything…

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The way you doing anything
is the way you do everything.
So, if you’re really honest with yourself,
are you handling this pandemic
the way you handle
(what was) your everyday life?
Is it a crisis? Are you panicking?
Does it feel like something is missing?
Like you should have known better,
or done more, or saved more,
or created more by now?
Do you have regrets?
Do you yearn for what was?
And how is this thinking different
from the way you were thinking
before the $hit hit the fan? Honestly?
What if…
you decided to elevate your mind
to a state of gratitude?
What if you started searching
for the opportunities present
in this challenge?
What if you decided to leverage
your gifts, talents and abilities
in service of humankind, right now?
Just remember…
the way you do anything
is the way you do everything.

A Satisfying Moment

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This afternoon
I was sitting in my kitchen window seat
soaking in the warm sun,
looking up at the blue sky,
smiling, feeling peaceful.
And then it struck me
that my life is unique,
and it is all mine,
and I wouldn’t trade
my humble, simple life
for anyone else’s life,
no matter how fancy or exciting.
That was a satisfying moment.

The Thought That Counts

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This is for last night
when I sidled home
after having shared some bourbon
and a bottle of pinot noir with my neighbors
and I discovered
neither my brain activity
nor my motivation
were substantial enough
to compose poetry.
Just know I THOUGHT
about writing…
and isn’t it the thought that counts?

Good Enough

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The way my emotional system works,
I am a failure,
unless I am perfect,
but I am never perfect,
therefore I am always a failure.
Recently I have begun challenging this assertion.
(Thank you therapy!)
I have begun toying around with the idea of
good enough.
Good enough mom:
Look, my children are still alive!
Good enough yoga teacher:
I show up to class on time, sober!
Good enough neighbor:
There is no trash in my front yard!
Good enough meditator:
I show up to my cushion every day!
I like this idea of adequacy.
It’s so much more human than perfection.