The build up was so intense
for so long.
I thought it was going to be such a big deal.
And when the moment finally came,
I was like, “Meh.”
What was all the fuss about?
I’m curious about this tendency of my mind
to fixate on negativity.
I’m noticing the effects of my thinking
on my body, my health, my perception.
I have read and learned enough about the brain
to understand we are hardwired
to continually scan our environment
for threats to our survival,
and to see pretty much everything as a threat…
it’s how our ancestors survived.
But I am interested in much more
than survival...much, much more.
I want to thrive.
I want to open fully into the light
to sing my life
and dance my joy
and love this place called The Universe.
All of the work I’ve done,
all the meditation,
all the writing, the therapy,
the Twelve Step Meetings,
and still my mind stubbornly persists
in seeing the world as a dangerous place.
Oh my mind,
will you ever relent?
This is the third time
I’ve attempted to write this poem.
It just isn’t coming out
as I expected.
I guess this means I’m human,
and I guess it means I’m alive.
when I can ever be satisfied
with myself as I am,
life as it is;
when I can drop
the bs perfectionism bit,
and just relax already.
When the voice in your head
needs you to know
that you can’t get anything right,
when the fear tells you
that it’s impossible,
when doubt crops up
to steer you away from the edge,
it’s time to get really suspicious.
Always at choice.
We can choose to see
what bothers us,
focusing on feelings of
pain, fear, anger, loss…
We can choose to see
what we love,
focusing on beauty, peace,
We can be conscious or unconscious
as we make these choices,
but always, always,
we are at choice.
I’m working on the discipline
required to choose mindfully.
I’m working on choosing
how I want to feel,
thoughts, words and behaviors
that will bring me to experience
these better feelings.
help me to remember
I’m always at choice,
and help me to choose
what will uplift and inspire.
The old way hasn’t been working for a long time,
but the new way doesn’t feel comfortable yet.
The new way feels awkward, shaky, unsure.
My programming takes over,
and I keep going back to the old way,
which feels familiar and somehow good
BUT STILL ISN’T WORKING.
When can I just make peace with the new way,
and allow it to transform me into one
who can live into a fresh new experience,
even if it’s awkward, shaky, and unsure?
I kept trying and kept trying today.
If I can just clean the house enough,
and tidy and organize enough
maybe the voice in my head will be kind
and just let me relax.
I finally had to walk away,
take a shower, eat something.
Who is this invisible presence
that tells me I’ll never get it right?