The sadness engulfs me;
I am not enough,
and this is why he left me.
Who speaks these words
I know that they aren’t the truth.
I was his committed wife.
I cooked, I did laundry,
I kept the house tidy,
I gave him two beautiful children,
and raised them to be healthy,
happy and aware.
I was his lover; his friend.
I told him my hopes, my dreams,
I fought and I forgave.
I stood up to him
when I disagreed;
I laughed, and loved,
and planned my life around him.
And then one day
He told me it was over.
He tells me I was never a partner,
I was a taker, a “me first” kind of person.
he took a new lover
but I found out;
it was my gut and finally
technology that told me.
The betrayal cut deep
and I’ve lost sleep
over this man who was once mine
(and who still is on paper)…
but in truth he left this marriage
before it ever began.
Why should I grieve the loss
of what never was
and never will be again?
Today I wanted to change it up
and practice really liking myself,
really celebrating what I’m able to do.
And how do you think it went?
Do you think it was all
rainbows, puppies, bunnies,
singing, dancing, bubbles
I was depressed as hell.
It seems like my system
doesn’t give in so easily.
After decades of telling myself
I’m never good enough,
it’s going to take more than one idea
on one day
to really experience
self-love, kindness, self-respect,
true friendship with my Self.
Today didn’t go as I had hoped,
but that’s ok.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up
and I’ll try again.
And like that, peace returns to my heart.
One could argue it never left,
but try to explain that
to a weary soul at 2:30 am
full of fear, heart bruised by loss.
But the dark night passed,
and the sun rose,
and the day marched on,
and I got done what needed to be done.
I was blessed by sleep and connection,
beloveds appearing with smiles,
open minds, open hearts,
and the desire to really, truly help.
Yes, the peace never left but in my mind.
It sure is wonderful to discover
peace was there all along.
How about when you finally
take a stand for the truth inside yourself?
When you decide that you’d rather spread joy
than bring pain,
and you’d live as the being you are
rather than the person someone told you
you should be…
how does that feel?
Could you drop the old beliefs
as gracefully as a tree lets go of leaves
and make room for your heart’s desires?
Tree, could you draw your sap
all the way inside to center,
look deeper, and ask for a revelation?
As you stand cold and naked in the darkness,
waiting for the light and warmth
of the rebirth,
What were the seeds you sowed,
and how was your harvest?
Which seeds have you saved
for the plantings in the spring?
And can you turn inwards now fearlessly,
embracing the self that remains
when the old, dry and useless fall away?
I keep expecting more from myself;
it seems I am not evolved enough.
Then I end up feeling disappointed.
What if there were another way?
What if I could look at myself
and apply the balm of compassion?
What if I could accept my shortcomings
and invite myself to make small shifts
according to what is realistic
in this day to day adventure of life?
What sounds better—
And what will lead to a better outcome
for myself, my family, my community,
Which choice will empower me
to look upon others with love,
understanding, patience, compassion?
It seems obvious now, doesn’t it?
why dost thou elude me?
Why, when I need you the most,
do you seem to be in such short supply?
that’s how it is.
While learning how to be patient with life,
you need to be patient with yourself.
Patience with Self
is a sure sign that you’re ready
to be patient with others.
and all beings–
remember to forgive yourself
when you lose it,
when you blow it,
when you stumble,
when you trip,
when you make
a complete ass out of yourself.
we all make mistakes.
We are human.
Our blunders connect us,
and we can find the connection
precisely through that which
makes us human,
that which renders us imperfect.
We can laugh together,
we can become indignant together,
we can all fall down together,
and we can all get back up again.
Let us model self-forgiveness.
Those we care for
will trust us more
as we regain trust in ourselves.
Our children won’t make war
with one another
when they witness their parents
at peace with themselves.