Category Archives: self-exploration

A New Habit

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Oh sweetheart,
it’s going to be fine,
it really is.
You worry
and you worry
and you worry
worry
worry
but truly—
it’s going to be fine.
Hasn’t it always worked out
in one way or another?
Haven’t there been times
where the outcome
of some difficult experience
was even better
that you could’ve
ever anticipated?
Or is it that you
just don’t know how
not to worry?
Sweetheart, honestly,
it’s time for a new habit.
Instead of worrying,
how about celebrating?

The Oneness Takes Over

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Maybe if I try it this way?
And what about this?

Audio, video recording
my voice, my image, my words
wanting to share (but with whom?)
hours and hours
envisioning my ideal life
with my ideal partner
in this future reality
when I’m finally living the life
I was born to live.
At some point
the magic I lived in my mind
last year
will be magic I’m living in my whole body
right now.
At that point
the heavens will open up
and I’ll no longer know my own name
as the oneness takes over.

Right About Now

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I’m discovering that
it takes more courage than I thought
to keep going in the face of uncertainty.
A part of me envies
those with established lives:
established work, established relationships,
complete with vacation plans, retirement plans,
and even plots for what remains of them
one day when they’re done with this earthly life…
Another part of me knows
that my spirit would wither and die
if I were made to exist within the confines
of so much familiarity.
Yes, my wild spirit
would not condone all these plans.
So where is the balancing point?
I’m tired of the anxiety that comes
from not knowing where I’m going.
I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed
that at this point in my life
I still haven’t “figured it out.”
More questions than answers,
and so easy to blame the one
who pulled the rug out from under
the stability I once enjoyed
as the female parental unit
in our family of four.
Faced with so much uncertainty,
I want to run and hide,
I want to escape…
but from what? From whom?
I realize there is no escape.
I cannot run from myself.
I cannot distance myself
from the one who craves stability
and who at the same time
wants to live wild and free.
How can I bring these warring factions
to rest within the space of awareness?
How can I get them to settle
and engage in some quality peace talks?
Ah, answer me that and I’ll dub you a shaman,
a wise one, a mentor, a guide.
Come to think of it,
seems like I need one of those right about now.

The Desired Outcome

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What is the desired outcome?
I want to move forward.
Yes, of course, but…
What is the desired outcome?
I want to be self-supporting.
Yes, yes, yes, we know! But…
What is the desired outcome?
Healing from heartache,
forgiving everyone,
creating something wonderful.

Of course that’s what you want, but…
What is the desired outcome?
Um, I don’t know?
Yes you do. C’mon—
what is the desired outcome?

Books

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Still searching for the book
that has the answers…
I search in
ooks on self-love,
books on forgiveness,
books on leadership,
business,
emotional intelligence,
magic.
I read and I read and I read.
I keep searching
for that one piece of information
that will save me.
Then it occurs to me,
Maybe the book I need to read
is the one I need to write.

This One

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Trust.
Faith.
Hope.
These qualities that mean nothing
until something major happens—
death, breakup, loss,
annihilation, devastation…
And precisely when we need these qualities,
this is when they seem to desert us.
The one in us who knows we need them,
the one in us who strives to find them,
this is the one we need to trust.
This is the one in which we need to have faith.
This is the one we look to for hope.
May we connect with this one.

Scary Freedom

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Being held hostage for so long
makes freedom scary when it comes,
and I curse my tormentor
for finding another captive to ensnare.
I curse her, his new prey,
for allowing herself to be captivated by his charms.
I suppose I should instead feel sorry for her,
walking right into his trap as she has.
I suppose I should only feel compassion
as I look at their one year “anniversary” photo,
glasses of champagne on the table,
looking so pleased with themselves.
It’s only a matter of time
before he does to her
what he did to me.
And I’m free.
I’m free.
I’M FREE.
Why does freedom feel so scary?