Category Archives: self-exploration

Hello, From The Deep

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I dove even deeper inside myself today.
The children were at school;
they’d be with their dad tonight,
and I had nowhere else to go.
I slowed down.
I wrote.
I listened to music.
I read.
I cried.
I weeded my flower garden,
took out the recycling,
affirmed
I let go of what I no longer need
so that I can welcome what I really want
into my life.
I took a long hot bath.
I took a nap.
I heard him tell me
in the echo of my memory
You’re just a squatter;
you don’t own that house.
I snuggled in deeper under the covers
and I slept more.
Yes, at some point
I’ll have to figure myself and my life out.
At some point
I’ll most likely need to make some money
to support myself and my children
after all this time.
But it wasn’t today.
Today was for slowing down
and going deeper.
Hello, from the deep.

I Really Don’t Know

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Everything affects me these days.
I want to be so good,
and then I remember…
It all comes flooding back:
We were married,
then he was done,
then he met someone else,
lied about it,
and finally he’s moving out.
Finally I’ll be able
to reclaim my space.
Now how to navigate
the emotions that hurt?
How to find the courage
to stay with my experience?
It’s turns out that I really don’t know
as much as I once thought.

Go Deeper

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I wonder…
if I go deeper than I’ve ever gone before,
will I get lost in the depths?
Will I hit the bottom and bounce back up?
Will I get disoriented and not know
which way is up?
Will I run out of air?
Will I drown down there?
Even scarier than the thought
of getting lost in the depths
is the thought of staying forever
stuck in the shallows
wondering if I’ll ever
have the courage to go deeper.
I think I’ll just go ahead
and go deeper.

Not My Problem

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Today I think about forgiveness.
I think about healing.
I remember the phrase
Let go or be dragged.
I pray for the strength to forgive.
I ask about the purpose of this pain.
I wonder what my feelings
want to teach me.
I want it all to change.
I wonder if healing happens
through
not in spite of
the feelings.
I ask for the strength
to allow myself to feel
whatever is arising in this moment.
I wonder if I have the resolve to keep going.
Just who exactly grieves the loss
of the one who never knew or loved the true me?
The logical one is glad he’s done…
he won’t be my problem anymore.

Really Trust

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Trusting.
Trusting in life,
in my self,
in the Divine,
in love.
This trust
doesn’t come easily,
so I have turned it
into a practice.
Breathe in trust,
breathe out,
share my trust
with the Universe.
I’ve breathed a lot,
I’ve practiced
and practiced.
Maybe some day
all of this effort will pay off
and I’ll wake up and realize
I really do trust.

Give It A Try

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If I died today,
would I feel good
about the legacy
I left behind?
No.
There is so much more I want to do,
so much more life I want to live,
so many experiences I want to have,
so many things I want to give.
It’s sobering to realize
I’m not ready to die,
and illuminating
to think about why.
Feeling brave?
Give it a try.

I’ll Try Again

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Today I wanted to change it up
and practice really liking myself,
really celebrating what I’m able to do.
And how do you think it went?
Do you think it was all
rainbows, puppies, bunnies,
singing, dancing, bubbles
and flowers?
Nope.
I was depressed as hell.
It seems like my system
doesn’t give in so easily.
After decades of telling myself
I’m never good enough,
it’s going to take more than one idea
on one day
to really experience
self-love, kindness, self-respect,
true friendship with my Self.
Today didn’t go as I had hoped,
but that’s ok.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up
and I’ll try again.