It’s beginning to finally look somewhat like Christmas around my house. We have a tree; my kids and I decorated this evening. We listened to Christmas carols and hung up ornaments. I’m going to bed thinking Not bad for a single mom.
The resistance rises up. Wanting to be more energized, less tired. Wanting to feel more confident, less worried. Wanting to feel more supported, less alone. Wanting to feel more peaceful, less stressed. On the heels of the resistance, stories… Stories about injustice, mistreatment, a wish for vindication, retribution. I can feel my body contract. I know this thinking isn’t healthy and I feel powerless to stop it. I know I need to pray, and even this evokes anger and the question Why do I have to try so hard? I guess I haven’t really surrendered yet. I guess I’m still trying to control the moment. I want to let go. Lord God, show me how to let go.
So tired. Kids came back today, and it took all my energy to help with homework, make dinner, and get them to bed. (And tidy and take the trash out and moderate arguments and put them back in bed five times.) I want… I want to cry out like a wolf, I want to be heard by other single parents everywhere. I want them to respond to my cries, my messy wolf pack, saying You aren’t alone. I hear you. I feel this way too. Howling in the dark together raising a ruckus strength in numbers Can we change this heaviness together? I don’t know. I’ll just keep howling until I can sink into sleep.
I said a final goodbye to the old house, handed the keys over, and closed that chapter. I drove away feeling free, grateful. Then it was time to teach. My students were open and lovely, willing to slow down, breathe, and try their best. Back home my kids were darling; I’m just amazed at how naturally positive they are; they are focused on the good, they get excited about sweet, simple things. We watched a movie and ate popcorn, then I pumped up the tires of our bikes and we road around the court. Chicken soup for dinner, then homework, then reading together. Ah, it’s the sweet, simple things that make life so blessed, so enjoyable. I vow to be grateful for all of it. This life is a miracle.
Working hard, day by day to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward. Working hard, day by day to provide the things we need to live our best life. Working hard, day by day, to see my character defects and what I can do to improve them. Working hard, day by day, to see how fortunate I already am, and to give thanks for what I already have.