Ok, so where to begin?
I recently dodged two bullets
and celebrated my close calls,
having lived through
three years of celibacy
that I’d rather be alone
than share my time
with a man who cannot
and truly see me.
I don’t know if it’s a sign of exhaustion
or straight up resistance,
but lately I haven’t been as consistent
with my writing
as I was in the past…
My inner perfectionist is horrified.
My inner critic is sneering.
My inner child is sad.
Oh well. I’m writing now.
I’m writing now.
And this moment is good enough.
I know your heart hurts.
I know you feel confused.
I know you wonder if you
will ever let yourself
be fully seen by another.
I know the world feels heavy.
I know that the tears
are waiting just behind your eyes.
So let yourself cry.
This world needs your tears.
They are the holiest of waters,
washing away the dust and dirt
of countless injustices
done to your precious, tender heart.
Dear One, I see you,
and I am grateful for your courage,
for your willingness to show up on this day
as messy and uncertain and vulnerable
as you feel.
Stay open, Dear One.
Stay open and breathe.
This too will pass.
This too will pass.
I can hear it even now,
the voice in my head
saying everything I do is wrong,
nothing I do is right.
It’s an old voice,
an anxious voice.
It’s the meaning I made
when as a child
my broken heart sought reasons
for not receiving the love,
I wanted and deserved.
But there is no blame.
There is this moment
and a brief space of clarity
where I can remember…
If I can hear the voice
and I can repeat what it is saying
then the voice isn’t me…
It’s just a habit. It’s an echo of the past.
My intellect can articulate this clearly,
but my body needs time to catch up.
It feels sad and mopey and droopy today,
like everything is wrong
and nothing is right.
How can I bring the clarity of my intellect
to bear on the traumatized inner child
who waits and waits and waits
for it all to be over,
that she is the one who is causing all the torment?
Healing isn’t linear and instantaenous…
and it takes time.
Now if only I could relax into the process
of awakening and remembering
the truth about myself…
If only I could land in a place
where these painful thoughts
no longer determine the color of my days…
That would be a miracle.
I moved a bunch of stuff in my house today
to revitalize the energy and give the space
a pick me up.
I moved a bunch of clutter
down to the basement today
because I couldn’t stand my living room anymore.
Wow. I have so much stuff!
Wow. I feel ashamed of how much stuff I have!
And somehow, I need to be compassionate,
because that works better than attacking myself.
Gee. Life gets complicated sometimes.
All I wanted to do was declutter my living room,
and I end up contemplating ancestral trauma,
the struggle for survival,
and the belief that we need to hold on to everything,
because we might need something later and feel regret if it’s not there.
The deeper I go, the more significant everything becomes.
Maybe I just need to lighten up!
As I continue to remain perplexed,
and my mind resists the fact that healing isn’t linear,
and so I cannot identify the end point—
it seems to me that the key to peace
must be acceptance.
I accept that my healing is non-linear
I accept that healing from trauma can be very messy
I accept that there are no clear start and finish lines.
And my mind expects that everything will change
now that I have found acceptance.
I accept that acceptance changes nothing
except the way I relate to this moment.
I accept this moment.
I accept this life.
This feeling keeps happening,
and so I’ll just keep on asking,
When will I go through an entire day
and feel like I am enough, really enough?
I know that I am the heroine of my own story,
and it is my choice—I can write a really good one,
but when will my mind be free of the stories of others?
I want to stop hearing the voices of any souls
who were operating under the mistaken assumption
that I am broken and need fixing.
Why are their voices the loudest?
Great Spirit of Love and Life and Beauty,
Let me hear Your voice, only Your Voice.
I was sitting in meditation earlier today
and it occurred to me
that the self of my future
won’t suffer from my current problems,
because I will have outgrown them.
But then I realized, I’ll have new problems.
I wondered what my new problems will be
when I’ve outgrown my current ones.
And then I realized I’m looking forward
to the different problems I’ll have
when I’ve outgrown my current ones.
Well…time to start growing faster!
Time to start growing better!
Time to start growing more intentionally,
and productively and strategically and—
I can’t control how I grow?
I guess I’ll just take a deep breath,
and rest in gratitude for what is here now.
Alright, so let’s say you’ve broken free
of all of the constraints of your past,
everyone’s ideas of who you should be,
the accumulation of the world’s tension
around being “right” and “wrong,”
and any residual hesitation seeping out
from your genetic or cultural
or religious or societal inheritance.
Let’s say that you’ve arrived in this moment
aware of your complete, total, and utter freedom,
to be, do, think and have anything your heart desires.
Knowing that you are completely free
and no one can hold you back,
now what will you do?
Can someone please tell me
just what is enough?
What is a big enough house,
or how much is enough food
to be able to live in health?
And why are there those
living with very little
who manage to be happy,
and then there are
those who live in excess
who are miserable?
And then there are those
who simply don’t have enough
and they live in despair,
and there are those with a surplus
who are celebrating their good fortune…
And then there is everyone in-between,
fluctuating with gratitude and trust,
allowing, resisting, judging, surrendering.
And then, and I’m still wondering about this—
there are people
who don’t have access to clean drinking water,
while I take luxurious baths with candles,
and epsom salt and essential oils,
and I really can’t understand why this disparity exists….
It’s a good thing we humans are so resilient.
Otherwise all this variety
could really make us lose our minds.