When Will It Stop?

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It got me again today,
creeping up slowly
and then suddenly taking hold…
the depression was back,
and there was nothing
I could do about it.
Everything made me cry—
seeing families together,
imagining myself alone
in the midst of all these people.
I even cried at Chili’s
when I took the kids there
for a birthday lunch for my daughter.
After all this time
and all of these practices, I’m still wondering
When will this pain stop?

I Hope So

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Driving home,
tired to the bone,
the Pawlonia and honey locust
give me hope,
glowing in the setting sun.
Whizzing by
do the other drivers see
the majesty of this moment,
this life?
I’m feeling alone.
All of the other old feelings come back.
I ask again why it has come to this,
why I am now struggling financially,
why my children aren’t with me daily,
why he gets to strut around town
with a new woman
(in her sexy dresses and high heels)
while I’m at home alone
worrying about money.
I’m tired.
Maybe this will all look different tomorrow.
I hope so.

Today Is A Good Day

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It’s his 40th birthday today,
and I pretended
that my whole entire life
hadn’t been torpedoed
almost a year ago.
I had the kids make cards for him.
I took them to REI and
we got a present for him,
a colorful Eno hammock
and strong Atlas strapping
to enjoy peaceful moments
swinging and relaxing
surrounded by color and light.
I texted him and wished him well.
I sat in meditation and prayed for him.
I woke up and mentally sent him
the phrases of metta,
lovingkindness:
May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
I meant it.
I think my spiritual practice
is bearing fruit,
and I’m happy to be released
from my anger and sadness.
Today is a good day.

I Surrender

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I have to work hard to stay clear,
present, awake, open.
When my beautiful children mention going to dinner
to celebrate their dad’s birthday
with the other woman,
when they say her name,
I just want to vomit.
I want to stomp up and down
and scream out
THIS ISN’T FAIR.
But I’m attending two 12 step meetings
every week now,
and I know enough by now
to turn this one over to my Higher Power.
Now God, show me how to contain myself.
Show me how to be an adult.
Show me how to forgive.
Show me what to do with this sadness.
I give up.
I surrender.
Now can you take this pain away?

What Do I Do?

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My precious ones are back with me
and home feels like home again.
I am struck by the stories they tell.
We met Dad’s girlfriend.
Her cats’ names are Chubby and Skinny.
We had ice cream.
We’re all going out to dinner for Dad’s birthday.
And I realize that the biggest loss of all
may be the loss of the shared experience of family.
We used to do things together.
We used to be a family…
and now we’re not.
I still can’t believe it some days.
Some nights I still reach for him
thinking he’s still in bed with me,
but he has been sharing his bed with another
for months.
Somehow I still love him.
What do I do with this?