The ground is shifting constantly, never the same, so how can I build anything right now? Maybe it’s time to let things fall apart, and see what’s left after the winds of change blow through. I’d like to have some kind of plan, a goal, a vision, something that helps me feel like there’s a future and I have some control over the outcome… But this is a war humans have been fighting since they knew they could fight and where has it gotten us? Maybe I’m better off simply breathing and allowing myself to be right here, right now. Breathing and being. Yeah. That has a nice ring to it.
After all this time practicing presence, all this work appreciating possibility, all this meditation on realizing my potential, I recognize that I’m just as attached to my carefully crated reality as everyone else. When faced with the loss of everything familiar, I can’t help but panic, mourn, grieve. It’s humbling to admit after saying so many times I wanted my life to change that now all I am I doing is craving the routine.
I am making peace with my humanness because not to make peace is insanity. I have come to realize that the struggle for survival is over, and so I no longer need to act as if my life is a struggle. To truly love is to be deeply honest and to move and speak and give from that deep core of truth. It’s normal to feel tired when you’re working hard and it’s normal to feel tired when you’re thinking about working hard yet feeling directionless, unsure. It’s ok not to know. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to be who you really are, without pretense, without the drive to impress. Authenticity is the new sexy.
This doesn’t feel right. It’s happening again. Sadness. Depression. Comparing my life to someone else’s, someone more successful. I don’t want to struggle to make ends meet. I don’t want to question if people really get me. And then…acceptance. I accept how I feel. I accept that this is happening again. I accept the sadness, the depression, I accept the comparison. I accept that life is a struggle sometimes. I accept my yearning to be understood. I’m still me with all my issues, but with acceptance, I’m a little more peaceful.
I’m learning how to simplify… I can’t anticipate what’s next, but I can be here now. I can’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I can attend to what needs to be done today. I can’t know if my friends will be in my life forever, but I can love who they are right now. I can practice this willingness to stay in the simple present moment so that when the time comes, I can simply let go, simply let go.
I ended up in a twelve step meeting a couple of months after my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married anymore. I was devastated; having trouble eating and sleeping, feeling isolated because I had lost a lot of friends in the separation. The coach I was working with suggested a meeting, and found one for me in town. The first meeting I inwardly criticized the room, thought it needed to be redecorated. The second meeting I realized everyone in my life is codependent. The third meeting I started to believe that the program might help me if I worked it. Two and a half years later, I know my program has saved my life. I have found a sponsor and am working the steps slowly but surely… getting ready to do a fourth step soon. When I was ready to give up on life, this program showed up to demonstrate that grace is active in my life, and I am truly grateful.
Who waits patiently for you to finally wake up and realize that you were the one you were searching for all along? Who reminds you to breathe, when, in the midst of daily effort you realize you’ve taken on some old struggle that isn’t yours to endure? Who waits for you through all the years of your life and at the end of it all stands with open arms to welcome you back home? Your Self, Your True Self, The only reality, The consciousness that pervades all…