Woke up sick…
I’m wondering how to be well,
even when I feel like this.
I have my kids,
it’s summer vacation.
I would’ve preferred
to be a fun energetic mom,
you don’t always get what you want.
Can I drop the guilt at the increased TV time for them,
so that I can have increased rest time for me?
I guess I’m going to have to.
Guilt won’t make me well.
Only love, acceptance and time will.
What is this yearning,
this longing for connection,
I can’t find what I seek outside of myself.
There is no one out there
who could fill the need within me.
There is a gaping hole in my heart
Left by the one
who said I do,
and then who retracted
to explore our togetherness
eight years later,
I don’t anymore.
But is this even true?
Was there ever a heart to break?
Or was there just an aching need
Maybe he didn’t really leave a hole…
Maybe he left me to find out
that I am always whole,
I want to stop trying so hard to be good.
I want to just touch on
my own inherent goodness
and allow it to be enough
for this moment.
I can see our innocence.
I can see how much we try.
I can see that he is doing his best
and so am I.
Could I forgive him
for having this affair?
Could I forgive his mistress
for sleeping with a married man
who has two children and a wife
that he left to be with her?
Could I see her innocence too?
If I can allow others to be who they are
and do what they do
and love them anyway,
there is hope I can afford myself
the same kindness.
There comes a moment
in forgiveness work
when we realize that
there’s nothing left to do
We can try to control the process.
We can try to dig up our own stories
and cleanse our own wounds.
We can see healers,
we can ask for a healing balm,
we can apply it…
but then it’s time to trust
in the healing process.
For just one moment
step away from the story
that you shouldn’t be hurting.
Look at what your pain
has taught you.
Open up to your heart of awareness
and be grateful for what has led you here.
All is as it should be.
Now allow the healing to come.
I awaken with new hope.
I feel grateful for simple things:
the sunlight spilling into my room,
the fact that I can eat, drink and be warm
in this home.
I realize that things are never as bad
as my mind would have me believe.
Oh my mind,
could you relax?
Could you just be for one moment?
I can accept you too, my mind,
in all of your neurotic obsessions,
I can still love you.
Maybe this is why
I awaken with new hope.
I realize that everything I am
is welcome, is free, is loved.
And now I can see the world
with these eyes of hope
and this life that is very, very good.
There is a rhythm to life,
to the rising and setting of the sun
and the cresting and the crashing of the wave,
there is a rhythm.
Could I let go inside the pulse of the Universe?
Could I trust this cosmic rhythm
of coming and going,
of wholeness and disintegration?
How might I show up inside this moment
as I embrace the fullness and the emptiness,
as I let go in order to receive?
The only thing I could ever lose
is the ego that only knows to resist what is.
As I turn to face reality
and I allow the resistance to melt,
the whole world opens up before me.
I think I’ll choose
the path of least resistance.
My mind asks
When will this be over?
I am filled with anxiety
and there is no apparent end
Then Spirit gently reminds me
This isn’t being done to you
this is being done for you