Tag Archives: allowing

Can’t Control How I Grow

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I was sitting in meditation earlier today
and it occurred to me
that the self of my future
won’t suffer from my current problems,
because I will have outgrown them.
But then I realized, I’ll have new problems.
I wondered what my new problems will be
when I’ve outgrown my current ones.
And then I realized I’m looking forward
to the different problems I’ll have
when I’ve outgrown my current ones
.
Well…time to start growing faster!
Time to start growing better!
Time to start growing more intentionally,
and productively and strategically and—
wait, what?
I can’t control how I grow?
I guess I’ll just take a deep breath,
and rest in gratitude for what is here now.

This One Moment

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Part of navigating this whole time of uncertainty
has been learning how to let go of expectations
and go with the flow. I know, I know…
I’m not saying anything new or earth shattering,
but it’s new for me to let go of control
and just accept this moment as it is.
I am not complacent, don’t get me wrong—
I still have preferences, ideas, desires, wishes—
but the difference is, I’m practicing welcoming
what is here in this moment, and choosing
how to respond from a place that is deeper
than what my ego thinks it wants or deserves.
I’m glad to know that this is a practice,
because I’ve been trying so long to be perfect,
and it’s just exhausting, so exhausting,
trying to get everything right.
Now, I’ll just breathe. I’ll take a slow deep breath,
and I’ll give thanks. I’ll give thanks for this moment,
this one moment of my life.

A Nice Ring

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The ground is shifting constantly,
never the same,
so how can I build anything right now?
Maybe it’s time to let things fall apart,
and see what’s left
after the winds of change blow through.
I’d like to have some kind of plan,
a goal, a vision,
something that helps me feel like there’s a future
and I have some control over the outcome…
But this is a war humans have been fighting
since they knew they could fight
and where has it gotten us?
Maybe I’m better off simply breathing
and allowing myself to be right here, right now.
Breathing and being.
Yeah. That has a nice ring to it.

Gratitude, Day 25 of 48: Trust

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Trust…this ability to have no idea what’s happening next
but going ahead and trying anway.
Today I had a chance to practice trust as I created a painting.
Two years ago I had a chance to practice trust
as my marriage fell apart.
Every day I have the opportunity to trust the process of life.
I give thanks to the teachers, mentors and guides
who have shown me that it’s safe to let go and trust.
May you trust the inherent wholeness of your life!

Musing on Forgiveness

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Forgiveness cannot be forced.
When my family fell apart
I tried to rush to forgiveness,
thinking that it would speed up
the healing process.
But I was just engaging in
spiritual bypassing—
using my spirituality
to circumvent the messy trenches
of deep grief and traumatic loss.
I prayed to God to show me the way,
hoping I could fly over
the dark valley and avoid
what lurked there in the shadows
of my deepest, darkest memories.
I read books and listened to speakers,
I attended meetings,
I thought I knew what I was doing,
but I was really attempting
to avoid the inevitable.
Finally I discovered
that what I really needed
was to allow myself to feel.
I had to go through the grieving process.
I had to face the loss of the life I knew,
I had to take each day
one at a time.
Some days the pain was so intense
I didn’t think I could live through it.
People would tell me
It won’t be like this forever;
I didn’t believe them.
Over time, as I remained clear
and focused on my goal
to find a place for me and my kids,
I noticed the fog was lifting;
I felt more like myself
with each passing day.
Looking back I see
that it was my effort to heal
that blocked the healing.
It was my belief
that things should be a certain way
that kept me from embracing things
as they were.
And now I’m still working on forgiveness,
but at least I have the sense now
to allow that grace to come, naturally,
when the time is right
and my heart is ripe
for such sweetness…

Let Yourself Heal

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I’ve had this lingering cold since September,
finally went to the doctor yesterday;
she wants me to squirt stuff up my nose,
gargle with salt water, and rest.
I’m tired of feeling draggy,
tired of living surrounded by boxes,
tired of being tired.
So today, I rested.
And it’s nuts what the voices in my head tell me.
Don’t be lazy.
It’s not so bad.
Look at your house! It’s deplorable.
You should be ashamed of yourself!

My overworking made me sick.
And now I’m trying to get better…
but somehow I’m not allowed
to do the things that will help me get better?
Another voice speaks.
Discern the voice of truth.
Listen a little more deeply.
Hear the song of being.
Let yourself heal.

To Be Held

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As a teacher I can be in control;
I tell you what to do,
and I expect you to do it.
But when I’m the student,
I get antsy…I want to fiddle with things.
Tonight I was a student
in a breathwork class.
I remembered the necessity of trust
and surrender,
allowing the teacher to hold the space for me.
It felt strange at first,
because I am chronically the one who does the holding.
As I breathed
and the layers of my emotional body were peeled back
to reveal what was percolating underneath it all,
I remembered the saying
How you do anything is how you do everything.
I thought about how LIfe as my teacher
must get so frustrated with me, my fiddling.
Life just wants me to trust and surrender,
allowing the space to be held for me,
allowing myself to be held.

The Best Lover

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Don’t read this with your mind,
read it with your heart,
because your heart will know that it is true:
There is nothing missing in this moment,
and you are whole and complete as you are.

Don’t listen to your mind respond to what you just read!
You’ve got to hush that thing up, give it a vacation.
Say to your mind,
Yes, dear, I know, you don’t like this…
why don’t you take a nice hot bath or something?

Meanwhile, just run right out the back door,
get back to the love that is this moment.
It waits for you like the best lover you have ever known,
open, available, ready to give you everything,
if you just show up and allow yourself to be held.

Just Let Go

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I shared with a group of spiritual sisters
the woes of my housing situation,
facing eviction, facing uncertainty,
not knowing what the next step is…
And they suggested that I simply let go.
Can I just let go?
The idea of moving
strikes terror in my heart,
even after paring my possessions down
as I have been doing the last couple of months.
What am I afraid of?
Why is letting go so hard?
They told me
so much good waits for me
on the other side of my fear.
When I move through my fear,
I’ll see even more clearly
the path ahead.
God, grant me faith
to surrender into this process of letting go,
allowing the old to pass away,
making space to embrace the new.