Trust…this ability to have no idea what’s happening next but going ahead and trying anway. Today I had a chance to practice trust as I created a painting. Two years ago I had a chance to practice trust as my marriage fell apart. Every day I have the opportunity to trust the process of life. I give thanks to the teachers, mentors and guides who have shown me that it’s safe to let go and trust. May you trust the inherent wholeness of your life!
Forgiveness cannot be forced. When my family fell apart I tried to rush to forgiveness, thinking that it would speed up the healing process. But I was just engaging in spiritual bypassing— using my spirituality to circumvent the messy trenches of deep grief and traumatic loss. I prayed to God to show me the way, hoping I could fly over the dark valley and avoid what lurked there in the shadows of my deepest, darkest memories. I read books and listened to speakers, I attended meetings, I thought I knew what I was doing, but I was really attempting to avoid the inevitable. Finally I discovered that what I really needed was to allow myself to feel. I had to go through the grieving process. I had to face the loss of the life I knew, I had to take each day one at a time. Some days the pain was so intense I didn’t think I could live through it. People would tell me It won’t be like this forever; I didn’t believe them. Over time, as I remained clear and focused on my goal to find a place for me and my kids, I noticed the fog was lifting; I felt more like myself with each passing day. Looking back I see that it was my effort to heal that blocked the healing. It was my belief that things should be a certain way that kept me from embracing things as they were. And now I’m still working on forgiveness, but at least I have the sense now to allow that grace to come, naturally, when the time is right and my heart is ripe for such sweetness…
I’ve had this lingering cold since September, finally went to the doctor yesterday; she wants me to squirt stuff up my nose, gargle with salt water, and rest. I’m tired of feeling draggy, tired of living surrounded by boxes, tired of being tired. So today, I rested. And it’s nuts what the voices in my head tell me. Don’t be lazy. It’s not so bad. Look at your house! It’s deplorable. You should be ashamed of yourself! My overworking made me sick. And now I’m trying to get better… but somehow I’m not allowed to do the things that will help me get better? Another voice speaks. Discern the voice of truth. Listen a little more deeply. Hear the song of being. Let yourself heal.
As a teacher I can be in control; I tell you what to do, and I expect you to do it. But when I’m the student, I get antsy…I want to fiddle with things. Tonight I was a student in a breathwork class. I remembered the necessity of trust and surrender, allowing the teacher to hold the space for me. It felt strange at first, because I am chronically the one who does the holding. As I breathed and the layers of my emotional body were peeled back to reveal what was percolating underneath it all, I remembered the saying How you do anything is how you do everything. I thought about how LIfe as my teacher must get so frustrated with me, my fiddling. Life just wants me to trust and surrender, allowing the space to be held for me, allowing myself to be held.
Don’t read this with your mind, read it with your heart, because your heart will know that it is true: There is nothing missing in this moment, and you are whole and complete as you are. Don’t listen to your mind respond to what you just read! You’ve got to hush that thing up, give it a vacation. Say to your mind, Yes, dear, I know, you don’t like this… why don’t you take a nice hot bath or something? Meanwhile, just run right out the back door, get back to the love that is this moment. It waits for you like the best lover you have ever known, open, available, ready to give you everything, if you just show up and allow yourself to be held.
I shared with a group of spiritual sisters the woes of my housing situation, facing eviction, facing uncertainty, not knowing what the next step is… And they suggested that I simply let go. Can I just let go? The idea of moving strikes terror in my heart, even after paring my possessions down as I have been doing the last couple of months. What am I afraid of? Why is letting go so hard? They told me so much good waits for me on the other side of my fear. When I move through my fear, I’ll see even more clearly the path ahead. God, grant me faith to surrender into this process of letting go, allowing the old to pass away, making space to embrace the new.
$-25.38 in my checking account Hey mom, may I borrow $100 until I get paid tomorrow? I’m sorry to have to ask but I’ve been out of my thyroid meds for five days and… $74.62 in my checking account, driving to the pharmacy reminding myself This too will pass. $34.63 in my checking accout, driving home, reassuring myself I have everything I need to turn my life around. Louise Hay said Money is energy and an exchange of resources. How much I have depends on how much I believe I deserve. If that’s true, something in me thinks I don’t deserve very much. According to my checking account I’m not worth much at all… Back home I feel like curling into a ball, shrinking away from the world. I don’t. I force myself to eat lunch, and then I sit down to do some EFT Tapping. Amid tears and terror, I affirm that I always have enough money to live my most authentic life. Now, God, what now?