Tag Archives: anxiety

Everything Will Work Out

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Just get through today,
my recovery friends tell me.
Just get through the next hour,
the next minute.
I ask myself what got me here,
wondering how I’ll make it through
one more minute.
It’s a soul contract,
my spiritual buddies tell me.
You accomplished
everything you were meant to
and now the relationship
has run its course.
You can let go now.
But how?
He’s gone,
and all I feel is the pain.
When did the pain start?
Surely before I married him.
I must’ve brought it with me
into the marriage,
and somehow, together,
we activated it
so that I could learn.
Can I thank him
for giving me a chance
to see and work through
my old pain?
Can I have faith
that Divine Love
brought me here
but won’t abandon me here?
Can I trust
that everything will work out?

Will It Help?

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I return home to an empty house.
I’m reminded of what I once had,
what is gone now.
They tell me You’ll get better,
You’ll get stronger.
They tell me
This is the best thing
that could’ve happened to you.
But what do they know?
Slogging it out,
one day at a time,
one year at a time,
recovering from
the devastation,
on most days
I feel too tired to be grateful,
and yet I keep pushing through.
I write in my gratitude journal:
I woke up today.
I meditated.
My sitter was able to come.
I was able to pay for lunch today.
They tell me my gratitude
will open up the gateway to abundance.
But will it help me to live
when I have no money left in my bank account?

The Path is Dark and Lonely

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I want to trust the process of becoming
but the path is dark and lonely
and I can’t see two feet ahead of me.
I’m floundering through a forest of pain,
shadows everywhere, loud sounds,
danger, chaos…
and it’s all in my head.
I look up and look around.
I’m in a room,
it’s a bright sunny day,
no danger.
But the night is approaching swiftly,
and this is when the painful thoughts
have the most power over me.
I want to trust this process of becoming
but the path is dark and lonely
and I can’t see two feet head of me.

How?

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You have to just let go
they keep telling me.
But how?
I think really
IT needs to let go of me.
IT has its hooks in me.
I want to be free.
I want to feel alive again.
I don’t want to be angry,
hurt, sad or depressed anymore.
I want to set my life in order.
I want my home to be organized.
I want to have work
that allows me
to support myself and my children.
But tomorrow
I apply for food stamps
because my money is all gone.
I get angry when I think about this.
He left our marriage,
and has moved on.
Now he spends his time
and his money on another.
Yes, I want to let go.
But how?

Another Dark Night

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I wake up anxious.
We have a meeting
with the realtor.
She walks around the house,
our house.
We talk about selling it,
about me moving out with the kids
to an apartment,
about what that will look like.
I try not to let them see
how deeply triggered I am
by this conversation.
I finally excuse myself,
go upstairs,
cry in the shower.
Life is changing all around me
and I’m holding on
to something that wants to leave.
I long to feel empowered
but I keep looking
in all the wrong places.
I want to be saved
but the inner savior
has fallen silent,
waiting for me
to just get still and listen.
How can I be still
with this discomfort?
How can I trust
that this is unfolding
exactly the way it’s supposed to?
How, in the midst
of the deep grief and pain
can I believe
that these feelings are temporary?
Another dark night begins.