My mind gets caught
in the most current challenge.
Around and around in a circle it goes,
trying to figure it all out.
But what if it isn’t meant to be figured out?
What if it’s meant to be lived?
What if it were enough to
just make it through this day,
with a body, mind, heart and spirit
all seeking integration?
What if I could breathe deeply,
relax into this moment,
and trust the unfolding
of my experience,
allowing the answers to be revealed
when the time is right?
I drank some wine tonight…
specifically to alter my mood.
I was feeling anxious
and exhausted from enduring
the difficult feelings.
I wanted them to change.
I want to escape these feelings.
I wonder why I had children.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I wish I could run away.
My children are the only reason
I’m still here in this part of the world.
I’ve thought about leaving this planet
many times this past year.
I’ve had more thoughts like these
since the holiday season has arrived.
The anger is back and so is the depression.
I wonder how long I can make it
feeling like this.
I don’t want to have to take pills.
I want to lick this on my own.
But it is licking me.
I’m angry at life.
Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.
Then I’m ashamed that I haven’t
fixed my life by now.
I keep working to improve myself,
but the deeper I dig
the more faults I discover.
Why did I start digging in the first place?
I could go on forever,
but you probably wouldn’t read this,
and your reading this is one of the only reasons
I’m writing this.
I thought this was for me,
but really it’s because I long to be seen
and heard and understood.
Thanks for listening.
I’m feeling sad,
wanting this moment to be different.
I want more space, more freedom.
I want financial autonomy.
I want to offer something that will help others.
I want to step into my power,
express my essence,
create something beautiful, inspiring.
But the depression returns
and covers me in a dark, heavy blanket
of lethargy, fear, anxiety, doubt, inertia.
How to break free?
I know there is more out there,
I know I am capable of more.
How do I move forward?
The to do list hasn’t shrunk,
but somehow I’m feeling less afraid.
If anything, I have more responsibilities,
but somehow I’m feeling more peace.
Am I fooling myself?
I don’t think so.
Maybe it was waking up early,
sitting in the quiet
while the world was still dark.
Maybe it was the run I took
in just above freezing temps…
Maybe I remembered to breathe more.
Maybe I realized I can trust more,
I can have faith,
I can believe in myself
and the ability to pull through
each challenge one by one.
I don’t know exactly how it happened,
but somehow it did,
and right now, I’m smiling.
and so much to do.
My mind keeps heckling me,
I need to do this and I need to do that…
but I’m so tired.
I’ve been up since 4:30 am,
going since then,
and my body just wants rest.
But how will I get it all done?
I tell myself I love myself no matter what.
I try to believe myself.
I take another breath.
I remember that it can’t all get done at once.
I take another breath.
I write this poem.
I’ll celebrate this win,
remind myself it will be ok.
I’ll breathe again,
and figure out what’s next.
How long it will be
before the new paradigm is established
and I can truly be free of the thoughts,
words, and actions that have held me back?
I keep reminding myself that I am fine,
that I have always been fine
and I will always be fine…
but my poor, neurotic mind
simply cannot accept this.
It dutifully attempts to dredge up proof
that I will not be okay.
It wants to let me know I’ll run out of money,
I won’t find a way,
I’ll be lonely and homeless
without a friend in the world.
And all this because it wants me to be safe.
But the fear, doubt and worry
make me feel unsafe.
So I have to train this poor mind
to search for proof
that I will definitely be okay.
And then I keep exerting tremendous force,
really wanting this positive outlook
to be where I live most of the time.
This mighty war raging inside of me
I want a nap.
But somehow I must find a way to keep going,
until my mind knows
I AM OKAY.
The doubt crept in.
The fear and the anxiety
threatened to take up permanent residence
in this exhausted mind
beaten helplessly by neurotic thoughts.
I could see my old emotional system
having its way with me.
My therapist and I laughed
at the absurdity of life.
But the fear, doubt and anxiety
relaunched themselves directly after,
and I spent the afternoon
feeling out of my mind.
Do you have any idea
how humbling it is
to know exactly how to help myself,
but feel helpless to help myself?
I’m a yoga teacher for God’s sake!
I teach people how to breathe and relax
and feel better every week.
And yet when the time comes for me
to practice what I preach
I feel trapped in a prison
of the worst kind of thinking.
Someone tell me I’m not alone.