Tag Archives: anxiety

How?

Standard

You have to just let go
they keep telling me.
But how?
I think really
IT needs to let go of me.
IT has its hooks in me.
I want to be free.
I want to feel alive again.
I don’t want to be angry,
hurt, sad or depressed anymore.
I want to set my life in order.
I want my home to be organized.
I want to have work
that allows me
to support myself and my children.
But tomorrow
I apply for food stamps
because my money is all gone.
I get angry when I think about this.
He left our marriage,
and has moved on.
Now he spends his time
and his money on another.
Yes, I want to let go.
But how?

Another Dark Night

Standard

I wake up anxious.
We have a meeting
with the realtor.
She walks around the house,
our house.
We talk about selling it,
about me moving out with the kids
to an apartment,
about what that will look like.
I try not to let them see
how deeply triggered I am
by this conversation.
I finally excuse myself,
go upstairs,
cry in the shower.
Life is changing all around me
and I’m holding on
to something that wants to leave.
I long to feel empowered
but I keep looking
in all the wrong places.
I want to be saved
but the inner savior
has fallen silent,
waiting for me
to just get still and listen.
How can I be still
with this discomfort?
How can I trust
that this is unfolding
exactly the way it’s supposed to?
How, in the midst
of the deep grief and pain
can I believe
that these feelings are temporary?
Another dark night begins.

Which Voice?

Standard

I start to feel like I’m slipping.
Is it because I’m so tired?
Have I done too much today?
But wait,
am I not here
to help others?
I should be doing more.
But I’m not feeling so great.
I’m tired.
I don’t want to do anything
for anyone.
Stop being selfish.
But I need to put on
my oxygen mask
first.
Stop being so self-absorbed.
I’m feeling lonely.
I don’t want to do this.
Stop whining. Buck up.

Get back to work.
But I’m tired.
So many voices in my head.
Which one is telling
the truth?

Suddenly I Remember

Standard

I keep thinking
I’m not doing enough.
I should be go-getting,
job-hunting, interviewing
CV revising, buckling down,
buttoning up,
preparing myself
for the world of work.
My heart sinks to think
of losing time with my kids,
of giving my time to something
that saps my energy
to have the funds
to make ends meet.
I get caught up
in a whirlwind of thoughts.
I pray to God.
God says, BREATHE.
Suddenly I remember
panicky thoughts
never got me anywhere.
Suddenly I remember
It’s going to be okay.

Advice I Can Take

Standard

Going through this transition,
everything in my life is changing,
and people (bless their hearts)
want to offer advice:
You’ll need to get a full time job, they say
Your standard of living will go down, they say
Talk to your attorney, they say
It’ll get worse before it gets better, they say
Keep your head down, they say
You’ll be so much happier after this is over, they say.
And I want to say
How do you know what you think is true?
It sounds like what they’re saying comes from fear.
I don’t take advice from frightened people.
I sit and I pray:
Thank you, angels, for making your presence known to me.
Where would you have me go?
What would you have me do?
What would you have me say, and to whom?
They respond:
We would have you stay right where you are.
We would have you breathe.
We would have you tell yourself
“I love you, I forgive you, all is well.”
Now that is some advice I can take!

 

Better That Way

Standard

I wake up anxious
and it isn’t yet the middle of the night.
Ah, it’s going to be a long one.
Two hours later
and still sleep hasn’t come.
I close my eyes,
I hope and hope for respite.
I look at the time,
each hour crawling by
so slowly it’s painful.
The morning comes finally.
I take my seat,
dive into my practice,
find enough of my Self
to act like everything is okay
when he leaves the house early
without telling me why.
I ask no questions.
It’s better that way.