I’ve come to discover that my art liberates me from stories about having to be perfect, or better educated, stories about having to be accepted and fear of ridicule and rejection. Upon contemplation I discovered I don’t need anyone to like my art; the point is to create, to allow what wants to emerge in me to be expressed with as much openness and grace as possible. It takes courage to push through creative blocks, but each time I do I get stronger. I’m excited to keep engaging the process of creativity with no goal or agenda— just the act of creativity is what my heart wants.
I was exploring creative expression and a lack thereof with my EMDR therapist on Monday. And it came to me suddenly… If I could simply start doodling, just to get the creative ball rolling, eventually the momentum would pick up and I could flow along with it. Right after the session, I went down to my car and took out of my purse a fine point Sharpie and a blank index card and I wrote the word M O M E N T U M and some wavy lines all around it. That evening, I got my watercolors out and worked on two paintings. The next night and the night after that my kids and I drew together. Same for the next morning. That afternoon I worked on a mandala, gel pens on black paper, and it felt good to create, and I realized, yes, momentum is real. If you are feeling creatively blocked friend, just begin something. Just get that ball rolling and you’ll see… MOMENTUM is your friend.
Forward progress made, now I just need to keep the momentum, stay clear, focused, intentional in my choices. I stood up for myself and my kids today, and we reached a resolution that’s workable. I breathed, meditated and prayed today. I wrote in my journal, drew a mandala, performed japa with my mala, chanting the mantram SAT NAM… I diffused lavender and frankincense essential oils, created a mini altar with an LED candle, a rose quartz heart, and pictures of my kids; I listened to music, danced, did yoga… That mediation room probably never saw so much action! Now to keep taking action on behalf of myself and my kids, moving forward, remembering what matters. As I say goodbye to my marriage a whole new life awaits. World, here I come!
Taught two yoga classes,
body is tired.
Kids are with their dad and his mistress
on a “family” trip to the ocean…
And I’m here, alone,
to make this time count.
What do I do?
Take a nap?
Read a book?
Make some art?
Write in my journal?
Play my guitar?
Bang on my drum?
Sew a dress?
Knit a scarf?
Drink some wine?
When faced with so many choices,
I work myself into such a tizzy
it’s hard to choose anything at all.
I suppose I could do all of the above.
But let’s be really really real—
isn’t it delightful to have so many choices?
Maybe I’ll just go write in my gratitude journal,
thankful to be asking these questions at all.
Hmmm…for some reason I keep hoping that these NaPoWriMo prompts will get easier, but they seem to be getting harder, perhaps because of what is happening in my external world. But anyway, here goes. Today’s prompt asked us to write a list of all of the identities with which we associate ourselves, and then divide that list in two more lists, one list of identities that make us feel powerful and another list of identities that make us feel vulnerable. Then we write a poem in which an identity from one list is speaking to, or contending with, or challenging an identity from the other list. What a head game. Luckily I’m always game to play in my head, so, let’s see what happens.
I wrote my list, and artist and critic were both there. I figure that this a great place to start.
Hey! Me here.
Who do you think you are
getting those art supplies out?
You aren’t any good
and no one cares what you
are trying to create.
Oh sweetie, there you go again.
Why do you think you need to be good?
This act of creation is just for you….
you don’t need to impress anyone else,
and especially yourself.
Drop the pressure and radiate your light.
Life is your work of art.
Let your genius shine.
You don’t have to try so hard, friend…
Just relax and let your genius shine.
Who would I be without my stories?
Just a woman, fingers dancing on keys,
sitting here, breathing, at peace.
My body danced this evening
and now it is spent.
My heart sang and laughed.
My hands painted and drew
and mothered and colored today.
Without my stories
this day was utter paradise.
Please Divine Spirit,
let me stay attuned to what is real,
that I may live in this one moment
grateful for what is.
Allowing my creativity to flow
without making a big deal about it…
No pressure, not trying to impress anyone,
just trying to save my own life
through color, texture, and the freedom
to bring my inner world outside
where it can dance, breathe,
and be painted into being.
I never knew that such simplicity
could yield salvation,
but here I sit feeling grateful
to have another day
to pick up my pen, my brush,
and remember the voice
that quietly speaks within me.