Tag Archives: attachment

Nothing Makes Sense

Standard

Holding on.
Why?
A part of me thinks
he’ll come back
and apologize.
That’s nuts!
Would I even want
to get back together
with a man
who dissolved our marriage,
blamed me for it,
had an affair,
and lied about it?
And what would that say about me
if I took him back after all that?
What does it say about my self-esteem,
my sense of self-worth, my pride?
But still I fantasize about our family
being together again,
the four of us living
under the same roof again;
I fantasize about
being welcomed by his family again.
Nothing makes sense inside.
Nothing makes sense.

Who Needs ‘Em?

Standard

Haven’t I given enough?
Can’t you love me now?
Can’t you accept me now?
Can’t you see how hard I try?
You owe me.
What? You don’t want
the kind of love I want?
What?
You want freedom?
You want lightness
and fun
and excitement?
You want what you want?
Wait. You’re leaving?
You think this is all my fault?
Wait!
We can work this out.
I can admit to my faults.
Can you admit to yours?
Wait, what?
This is all my fault, really?
Yep.
Relationships are so complicated.
Who needs ’em?

Some Questions for You

Standard

We seek out a conversation
because we are uncomfortable with the silence.
We want to bring more objects into our lives
because we are afraid of emptiness.
We seek companionship
because we are terrified of being alone.
Enough.
Enough.
Enough.
Can you be the brave one
who stops this madness?
Can you listen instead of speak?
Can you sit in the fire of silence
and be burned completely
and then rise from the ashes
pure and clean and clear?
Can you give away
what you are attached to?
Can you sit with your open heart and mind
and enjoy the simplest of gifts–
this breath in, this breath out?
For one moment,
could you stop surrounding yourself
with so many faces and voices
and thoughts
and noises,
could you sit quietly and be embraced
by the inner friend?

What if you were told
that the future of this planet
depends on you being okay
with yourself,
just as you are right now?

What would you do then?

You Are Human Being

Standard

Every life experience
each moment
can give us what we need
and teach us what we need
to awaken
But don’t get attached
to awakening a specific way.
Whenever we hold on
to our ideas of how life should be
we contract, we shrink,
we lose sight of the grandeur of existence.
Drop the ideas of right and wrong,
good and bad.
You are
human
being.

Still Wishing for My Own Space

Standard

It’s hard to adapt to life without a meditation room coming from three years of enjoying a space that was all mine, where I could close the door, and sit undisturbed. This past year I reclaimed my inner writer, and this manifested in part in my committing to this blog and posting every day.  Having my own quiet space to sit and write was of immeasurable help in keeping my commitment. All I had to do was show up, and I had the perfect quiet space to sit and write in peace and solitude.

And now it is different.  Now I sit and write at the dining room table, and already my mother and then my sister have shown up, puttering around getting their water for bed time.  A part of me resists forced interaction.  While I love them both, it is exceedingly difficult to maintain a steady stream of thought when it keeps being interrupted by people shuffling around, opening cabinets, turning on water, clearing their throat–every noise is as bad as someone banging a timpani right next to my ears, as far as distraction is concerned, it’s all the same.

Earlier this evening I tried to sit in my bedroom while my husband was downstairs watching The Walking Dead. I first showered and brushed my teeth, and organized my space a little, because a cluttered space just isn’t conducive to cultivating an uncluttered mind.  Just as I was preparing to sit, our old cat began meowing his head off. He is mostly blind and mostly deaf, and meows loudly in a feline echo location of sorts as he tries to get his bearings in our new house.

Well, crap. I walked over to our master bathroom where we keep his litter box, his food, and his water.  I gave him a fresh bowl of water, made sure he had plenty of food, petted him, put him in our bed, and hoped that he would settle down and snooze.  He finally settled, but by that time my husband was done watching his show, which meant that he was going to head to our room to shower off and go to bed. I was disgruntled. I told him what happened with the cat, told him I hadn’t yet sat, and he said, “Well, what do you want me to do? You can’t sit with me up there?” Then I began grumbling about how hard it is to sit with someone shuffling around in the room, But, I said, it’s your bedroom, so come on up. Grumble grumble grumble.

I put earplugs in, pulled my fleece hat all the way over my eyes to block out two of my senses, hoping it would make it easier to go inwards. Sensory withdrawal is one of the eight limbs of yoga, and a crucial element of successful meditation. Withdrawal of the senses is easier, of course, when there isn’t so much sensory input in one’s space to begin with. Think about the quiet of a monastery or an ascetic’s cave dwelling–there isn’t much to disturb one’s journey inwards.

But a monastery or a cave dwelling this house is not. So even with the earplugs I heard my husband in the shower and my cat meowing a few more times.  I heard my husband slide the glass doors of the shower enclosure when he stepped out, I heard him toweling off and brushing his teeth.  I saw the light flick on and off, heard him  start to say something to me and then stop when he realized I was trying to sit against all odds.

Yep, feeling sorry for myself. Still mourning the loss of my room.  And there is a great battle being waged within, many parts vying for my attention, wanting to be validated. One of the loudest parts is the one saying, You don’t have anything to complain about.  Stop being so spoiled.  You have a bed, for God’s sake, a home, food, children, a husband, a family, a job. Stop being so goddamned self-centered. Well, that voice certainly isn’t helping me to feel any better.

Another part of me is hopeful.  It says, Maybe you’ll come out of this stronger in your ability to concentrate. Just keep trying.  Keep showing up for your practice. You’re doing fine.

Another voice that pipes up is that of my inner child.  She is just plain having a tantrum about all of this.  No fair no fair no fair! She shouts. What happened to my room? I want my room! No fair!
What do I say to such an angry little girl to help her feel better?

Anyway, that’s where I am tonight.  Wishing for a space all of my own, searching for meaning in all of this, trying to adapt, wanting to be good, wanting to let myself want what I want, wanting to grow up, wanting to be nurtured and coddled…wanting. Could this be about me releasing attachments and embracing reality, loving what is, regardless?

Friends, any thoughts you might offer will be much appreciated, even if it’s just to say, “I hear you.” Thanks for listening.  I hope you all are happy in this moment.

The Power of Attachment

Standard

I set myself up for it.
I thought for sure it would be mine.
I projected into the future
and created many moments of enjoyment
imagining what I would say and do
and how it would all feel…
and then,
and then
I was told it was given to someone else.
Misery.
Disappointment.
Wanting to know why I wasn’t the chosen one.
And herein lies the power of attachment
to bring one to one’s knees in pain
with weapons that do not exist,
mourning the loss of something that never was.