I’ve always been a sensitive person, wanting to understand myself, my world, who I am, why I’m here. I’m glad I found my way to my journals; I didn’t always have someone readily available to hold space as I explored the contents of my mind. This ability to tune into my thoughts and feelings and put them to words enabled me to also articulate them clearly to another. When I can share who I know myself to be with you, and you can share who you know yourself to be with me, then we create a space for authentic relationship, whether we are friends, family, colleagues or intimate partners. These days I am only interested in authentic connection, with you, with me, with this world. Self-awareness made this connection possible. I am grateful to my teachers who led me to this space of self-exploration through meditation, therapy, contemplation, writing, being. I am grateful to know that my Self is bigger than this woman I am, in this body as it is, with this mind, with this identify. Self-awareness taught me that I am this world, I am you, I am this universe. Only gratitude now, as the self within me reminds me that nothing more needs to be said.
The voice clearly said Bring your guitar and sing them the song. And she shook her head, thinking, No way. But the voice repeated Bring your guitar, and sing them the song. They went back and forth a few more times, until she acquiesced. She brought her guitar, she sang them the song. And then silence… So she asked the voice Why would you have me sing if they didn’t even acknowledge the song? And the voice said, It’s not about them, darling, It’s about how you relate to yourself when you step outside your box and let your voice be heard. Now, keep singing.
Dear God, Thank you for this day. Thank you for waking me up again. Thank you for giving me strength to make it through, even when I’m tired, sick, and all I want to do is rest. Thank you for helping me to be the most loving mom I can be to my kids, for tending to their needs joyfully, patiently, and with gratitude that I was blessed with children (even when sometimes I wish I weren’t!). Thank you for cleansing my heart of envy when I see husbands taking care of their wives with love in their eyes. Help me to embrace my loneliness, so that if it is your will one day, I might celebrate partnership again.
Something that’s going to get you really excited about your life:
Something that makes your heart dance:
Sit quietly with these questions. Go deep and go strong. Fill in the blanks with answers that ring true. Then stand at the mirror and look into your own eyes, and give yourself permission to believe that your answers are valuable. Because they are. Never forget this.
I know now that it had to happen. I’ve come to this realization before, so bear with me, but you know how this works. We keep circling and circling and circling back to the same old stuff until one day we get it, and we can finally set off on a new trajectory. It had to happen. I was comfortable, and comfort was making me complacent. I knew deep down I was meant for more. I longed to be met at my depth, to be seen and held and loved by someone capable of seeing my value and loving the woman that I was. It wasn’t happening, and a part of me grieved deeply. It wasn’t happening, and I resigned myself to a love not quite deep enough to be congruent with my true nature. I yearned for more, so deeply in my heart I yearned, and a voice said that I was fooling myself, that such a love wasn’t possible in this world. I was determined to do the work inside myself, to search for where I felt unmet and dissatisfied, and discover how I could meet and satisfy myself. Hence the meditation, the writing, the reading, the sewing, the knitting, the kombucha making, the therapy, the workshops, the trainings, the research, the practice, the commitment to arete. I secretly thought I was doing him a favor putting up with his lack of depth, his lack of vision, his inability to penetrate me fully to the core of my being, to flower me open to bigger possibilities, to take me open to God. Well if this is it, I told myself, then I may as well make the most of it. So I kept going. And then it happened. He dumped me. ME. Me, the mother of his children. ME, his WIFE. Me, his yoga teacher. Me, his partner, his best friend. He threw me away. It had to happen. It took a while, but I see this now. At times I look jealously at intact families, and I’m triggered by what was stolen from me. But then my new mindset arrives and reminds me It had to happen. The comfort was making me complacent. I had to be made extremely uncomfortable to be forced out of this nest, this cocoon, this cage of material wealth, where my needs for food, clothing and shelter were met, and the price I paid for it all was my authentic happiness. I look back on who I was and I shudder. I look forward to who I know I will be and I shiver. I look within to the one I am now and I smile, at peace with the fact that sooner or later, it had to happen. ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
Really, dude? Trolling my blog? Really? Why didn’t you care to read my words before? Like when you said you loved me, like when we shared a bed and shared meals and days and years together? Why now? All those years of putting my writing down, minimizing my need for self-expression, and NOW you are interested? Go ahead then. I’m flattered. You cannot shame me anymore. Your tactics will not work. When you left I was devastated… and I fell down, down, down. I fell all the way down to the bottom, and now I’m building up. Breath by breath, step by step, day by day, I’m getting stronger and closer to discovering the real me. Your blustery words cannot harm me. Your storms and threats, all that hot air cannot shake me— my foundation built on rock holds firm. At some point, the sands you’ve built on will shift. The slights of hand, the illusions, everything you’ve used to portray yourself as something you are not will fall away and the truth will be revealed. At that point I’ll lend you my pick and my shovel, ’cause son, if you want a firm foundation like mine, you’ve got some digging to do.
Try repeating this mantra while you breathe deeply and slowly
Try standing in your strength, rooting down, stretching up, breathing, repeating
I love myself I love myself I love myself
What will happen in the space of inspiration, when love is what is felt on the inside?
What will happen in the release of exhalation, when love is what is expressed outwardly as truth?
What if you knew your truth would help others? Would you speak it?
I love myself I love myself I love myself.
What would it feel like if you really believed it? What would it sound like if you could really mean it?
What would your life be like if you allowed yourself to really dream it?
******************************** Inspired by Kamal Ravikant’s book “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.” I find the cover art pretty triggering, let me say…but don’t we sometimes need strong images to wake us up to the truth? Self-love saves lives. I found it well worth the read. I will read it again. I have been practicing the mantra for months, and began teaching it to my students this past month. It’s powerful to work with the mind in this way, to train it to reach for a better thought. The best thought…the one that could save your life, and the lives of those around you.