After all this time practicing presence, all this work appreciating possibility, all this meditation on realizing my potential, I recognize that I’m just as attached to my carefully crated reality as everyone else. When faced with the loss of everything familiar, I can’t help but panic, mourn, grieve. It’s humbling to admit after saying so many times I wanted my life to change that now all I am I doing is craving the routine.
I am making peace with my humanness because not to make peace is insanity. I have come to realize that the struggle for survival is over, and so I no longer need to act as if my life is a struggle. To truly love is to be deeply honest and to move and speak and give from that deep core of truth. It’s normal to feel tired when you’re working hard and it’s normal to feel tired when you’re thinking about working hard yet feeling directionless, unsure. It’s ok not to know. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to be who you really are, without pretense, without the drive to impress. Authenticity is the new sexy.
I’ve always been a sensitive person, wanting to understand myself, my world, who I am, why I’m here. I’m glad I found my way to my journals; I didn’t always have someone readily available to hold space as I explored the contents of my mind. This ability to tune into my thoughts and feelings and put them to words enabled me to also articulate them clearly to another. When I can share who I know myself to be with you, and you can share who you know yourself to be with me, then we create a space for authentic relationship, whether we are friends, family, colleagues or intimate partners. These days I am only interested in authentic connection, with you, with me, with this world. Self-awareness made this connection possible. I am grateful to my teachers who led me to this space of self-exploration through meditation, therapy, contemplation, writing, being. I am grateful to know that my Self is bigger than this woman I am, in this body as it is, with this mind, with this identify. Self-awareness taught me that I am this world, I am you, I am this universe. Only gratitude now, as the self within me reminds me that nothing more needs to be said.
The voice clearly said Bring your guitar and sing them the song. And she shook her head, thinking, No way. But the voice repeated Bring your guitar, and sing them the song. They went back and forth a few more times, until she acquiesced. She brought her guitar, she sang them the song. And then silence… So she asked the voice Why would you have me sing if they didn’t even acknowledge the song? And the voice said, It’s not about them, darling, It’s about how you relate to yourself when you step outside your box and let your voice be heard. Now, keep singing.
Dear God, Thank you for this day. Thank you for waking me up again. Thank you for giving me strength to make it through, even when I’m tired, sick, and all I want to do is rest. Thank you for helping me to be the most loving mom I can be to my kids, for tending to their needs joyfully, patiently, and with gratitude that I was blessed with children (even when sometimes I wish I weren’t!). Thank you for cleansing my heart of envy when I see husbands taking care of their wives with love in their eyes. Help me to embrace my loneliness, so that if it is your will one day, I might celebrate partnership again.