Tag Archives: autonomy

Begone, Demon!

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A couple of nights ago
I had a conversation with a demon.
He criticized me for wanting free time.
He implied that I am nothing more than a role to fulfill
and in the absence of that role,
I am worthless.
Well…I was speechless, and so I didn’t respond.
If I had had the words to respond then,
I would’ve said,
Yes, I do want free time.
Of course I do. Don’t you?
Doesn’t everyone?
I deserve kindness, respect, warmth.
I won’t let you determine how I feel about myself.
Begone, Demon!

Such A Beautiful Place

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If I can drop a little deeper
below the surface of the mind
that is always problem-solving
and strategizing,
I arrive at a place where all is well.
Don’t get me wrong,
the world is still the world,
and there is still a Pandemic happening,
there are still bills to be paid
and an ex-husband to negotiate with
and a house to clean
and meals to prepare
and laundry to be done.
There is still a heart that yearns open
for a beautiful partner to share love with.
There is still the feeling of vulnerability
that comes with such deep sharing,
and the fear that I will never be met
the way I long to be met.
There is still the exhaustion one feels
being the only adult in the house
with two very active children
who still don’t know
how to pick up after themselves.
Yes, all of these things still exist,
as I am a human woman
living on this earth.
But if I can drop a little deeper
below the surface of the mind
that is always problem-solving
and strategizing,
I arrive at a place where all is well.
It is such a beautiful place.
And this is why I practice.

The Sweet Truth

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Just letting this moment be enough
and exploring the idea of contentment,
realizing there are no missing pieces—
finally, the freedom she had been seeking
revealed itself eaily and naturally,
as if it had always been there.
Then she realized that it really
HAD always been there.
The moment she chose
to pay more attention to her inner experience
than to the judgments of others
she recognized the sweet truth of it all.

Apparently

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I’m praying every chance I can get
God please show me what to do,
I’m struggling, please guide me.

In the morning I wake up thinking
I choose to love myself
because I deserve my love.

I keep telling my story.
It gets exhausting telling my story.
I tell it to my friends. Therapists.
Anyone who will listen.
They all say, You got this.
It will all be okay in the end.

But I want someone to rescue me.
I want someone to come along
and make these problems disappear.
And God, Grace, The Universe,
or is it just my luck,
continues to send me people
who listen to my story
tell me You got this
and who walk away.
Because apparently
I need to solve my own problems.
Apparently, I need to realize
that I’m stronger than this.
Apparently, I need to walk this path alone.
There are people cheering on the sidelines,
but I guess I need to walk this path alone.*

*And I have to tell you, it’s lonely down here in this big black hole…

The Desired Outcome

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What is the desired outcome?
I want to move forward.
Yes, of course, but…
What is the desired outcome?
I want to be self-supporting.
Yes, yes, yes, we know! But…
What is the desired outcome?
Healing from heartache,
forgiving everyone,
creating something wonderful.

Of course that’s what you want, but…
What is the desired outcome?
Um, I don’t know?
Yes you do. C’mon—
what is the desired outcome?

Yes I Can

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I came to realize that so much of my life energy
was being poured into thinly disguised attempts to be seen,
heard, held, cherished, loved…
and these attempts never yielded the results I sought.
I asked myself why I was giving my power away like that.
I asked myself to cut it out already.
And then I asked myself,
Wait a minute…can I see myself?
Can I hear myself?
Can I hold myself?
Can I cherish myself?
Can I love myself?
And I discovered that yes,
yes I can.