Something has changed.
I don’t feel so stuck.
I’ve chosen to stop listening to the old programming,
and replace it with something better.
I have to be vigilant.
If I don’t watch it,
the same old stuff will come cropping up,
fill my consiousness, and make me miserable:
You’re not good enough.
Your life is a mess.
You’ll never be happy.
You’re a failure.
When I start to hear that stuff
(it usually begins the moment I wake up)
I listen to my affirmations app,
or The Quote of the Day Show Podcast,
or I repeat this new mantra out loud:
I am immune to the opinions of others,
positive and negative.
I am neither greater nor lesser than anyone else.
I am fearless in the face of challenges.
Yes, I am choosing to rigorously reprogram my mind.
Little by little, day by day,
I’m starting to feel okay about myself and my life.
Even if there are some unknowns about my future.
Even if there are some unresolved questions in my heart.
Even if I sometimes mess up…
I choose to live my life as an adventure,
a life that no one has ever lived before.
This is my life.
I choose to live it on my terms.
A teacher shared with me recently
that we humans live in a great paradox
of which we are innately aware
but which is so overwhelming
that it is the root cause
of our misery and all the behaviors
that arise from our misery.
The paradox is this:
Our consciousness is infinite
and yet our bodies are finite.
The awareness in us is as vast as the universe
and yet our tiny physical beings are fragile, vulnerable.
This paradox, and the tension it creates
is too much for many of us to bear.
And so we numb.
We get addicted.
We look outside, to escape
the tension orginating from the center of our being.
I have faced this paradox over and over
as I have watched my life dissolve
before my very eyes.
Everything I knew has been obliterated.
The consciousness in me can be at peace with this.
My body is terrified, suffering from complex PTSD.
Every day I dance on a fine line
between hope and hopelessness,
love and fear,
existence and non-existence,
infinity and limitation.
I can tell you, it’s a lonely place to dance.
Some part of me had decided
a long time ago
that love wasn’t for me.
Happiness wasn’t for me.
Abundance wasn’t for me.
Health wasn’t for me.
This unconscious part
was running the show,
and as my life fell apart,
it felt more and more justified
in acting from its own limiting beliefs.
And how I suffered…
But then, my heart cried out for mercy.
Some part of me
(was it my soul?)
asked for Grace.
In the middle of my most broken moment,
some voice whispered
You have survived the worst…
it can only get better
from here on out.
I breathed into the center
of my deepest, darkest pain
and found there
a scared little girl
waiting to be loved.
She had searched everywhere
but in the place where the love actually lived.
It was time to bring her home,
to let her see that she is deeply loved
with a love that cannot be taken away.
As I became willing to relax
into the process of awakening
by the deep and abiding wisdom
at the center of my Self,
I saw and felt how this life
isn’t happening TO me—
it’s happening FOR me.
I fell to my knees,
heart broken open even more.
I’m in this tender place now,
picking up pieces of a self blown apart
by the storms of life.
I’m putting the puzzle together
piece by piece,
beginning to see some coherence.
Emerging from the depths of my being,
a new strength,
a willingness to grow, change and evolve,
and most of all…hope.
What would happen
if I suddenly recognized
that I am exactly where
I am supposed to be
doing exactly what
I am supposed to be doing?
What if I stopped struggling,
took a deep breath, and relaxed?
I might remember who I really am:
Pure consciousness aware of itself.
Upon this remembering,
bliss floods my being;
I am home.
I have spent so long in the dark,
It is time to remember.
Time to come home.
it was gone.
The need to be right.
The need to be sad.
The need to be angry.
All of it, suddenly, gone.
And what remained?
Space for this moment,
to welcome all the things
I’ve been telling myself
I really want.
and in came the joy.
and in came the power.
I breathed deeper,
and touched into the love
that was already there.
And I was free.
I was free.
I was free.
I’m curious about this tendency of my mind
to fixate on negativity.
I’m noticing the effects of my thinking
on my body, my health, my perception.
I have read and learned enough about the brain
to understand we are hardwired
to continually scan our environment
for threats to our survival,
and to see pretty much everything as a threat…
it’s how our ancestors survived.
But I am interested in much more
than survival...much, much more.
I want to thrive.
I want to open fully into the light
to sing my life
and dance my joy
and love this place called The Universe.
All of the work I’ve done,
all the meditation,
all the writing, the therapy,
the Twelve Step Meetings,
and still my mind stubbornly persists
in seeing the world as a dangerous place.
Oh my mind,
will you ever relent?
May I drop the tendency to believe
that there is something wrong with this moment,
and may I embrace reality as it is right now.
Without judgment, criticism, or blame,
may I see what needs to be done
and do it, without attachment to results.
May I wake up to the love that I am,
and you are, and this world is.
May my awakening awaken others.
May I see the value in my life
and live it fearlessly,
in awareness of my true self,
for the benefit of all beings.