What if I could experience myself as good enough?
What if I could see my life as good enough?
What if I saw myself as a good enough mom?
What if I really believed I was a good enough teacher,
daughter, neighbor, artist, sister, musician, cousin, friend?
If I stopped telling the story that there is something wrong with me
and started telling a new one called
I AM ENOUGH
What would happen then?
listening to motivational speakers
tell me how to set goals
believe in myself
tweak my mental habits
connect with my why
and in general
optimize my existence
so that the earth will be better
for my having passed by this way…
I allow myself to dream
about bigger things…
something deep inside tells me
I am meant for more.
And it’s amazing to note
that now I’ve begun to value
this woman I’ve become
I can actually believe
what the inner voice is saying…
I really am meant for more.
I’m amazed I’ve been able to keep up this pace,
2-3 yoga classes a day for two months,
but I’m not just doing this for me,
I’m doing it for my kids and for my students too.
I’m doing it for the ripples of peace and goodwill
that flow out into the world
when I make just one person’s day a little brighter.
It’s amazing how I can find the strength to go on,
day after day, feeling tired, feeling wiped out,
feeling like I have nothing left at the end of the day,
and yet, each morning I wake up,
and I’m ready to do it all over again.
This feels like I’m being trained for something even bigger.
This feels like an opportunity to flex
my resilience muscles,
my endurance muscles,
my persistence muscles,
my faith muscles.
A year ago, I felt weak and destroyed,
devastated, betrayed, abandoned…
But now look…
Just look at how strong I am now.
The to do list hasn’t shrunk,
but somehow I’m feeling less afraid.
If anything, I have more responsibilities,
but somehow I’m feeling more peace.
Am I fooling myself?
I don’t think so.
Maybe it was waking up early,
sitting in the quiet
while the world was still dark.
Maybe it was the run I took
in just above freezing temps…
Maybe I remembered to breathe more.
Maybe I realized I can trust more,
I can have faith,
I can believe in myself
and the ability to pull through
each challenge one by one.
I don’t know exactly how it happened,
but somehow it did,
and right now, I’m smiling.
I keep asking God,
All That Is,
How may I serve you?
I keep waiting for an answer.
I want to look back on my life and know
I loved as much as I could
I gave as much as I could
I lived life to the fullest.
So what do I need to see there
in the record of my years
to be peaceful on my deathbed?
How may I serve you?
I want to know how my life force
can bring joy to others’ lives.
I want to reach more people.
I want to help more.
I have no idea
what shape my offering will take,
but I know it’s bigger
than what I’m doing now.
How may I serve you?
How can my life energy
make other people’s lives better?
I guess that this is where faith comes in…
I ask the question
and then I don’t stop looking
until I find the answer.
You’ve always shown up when I needed you.
You always helped me to get through.
I need you to be here now,
to be with me in full force.
Resilience, my friend,
show me how to make it through this.
Last year, when he said it was over,
you showed up
and helped me survive.
When I was a puddle on the floor,
you came to me and said,
Eat. Sleep. Meditate. Cry.
Take a walk. Take a bath.
Call a friend. Call on God.
Day after day
you helped me live through
heartbreak, betrayal and loss.
You helped me make it through one dark year.
I want you to show me
my deeper resourcefulness.
I want you to help me connect
to the best part of myself
and stay connected.
I want to move forward,
provide for myself and my kids.
Can I trust in you to be there for me?
You’ve always helped me in the past.
Can I trust in you now?
Faith is a muscle, I was told recently,
You have to use it to strengthen it.
Ok, so how? I began thinking…
It’s easy to have faith
when you’re hitting every green light,
when you manage to slip into
the shortest line at the grocery store,
and everything seems to be going your way.
But how about when you’re stuck in traffic,
you have no choice but to wait in a long line,
and it seems like nothing is going your way?
Can you have faith then?
Can you believe that all of this
was meant to be…for YOUR benefit?
Because it isn’t faith when it’s easy,
it’s faith when it’s difficult,
when you can’t see the path ahead
but you leap anyway,
when you can’t see the reasons
for everything being as it is
but you trust anyway.
We have a lot of work to do
in order to cultivate such faith,
but imagine the rewards of such work:
being able to relax in this moment,
certain that you have what you need
to grow into the highest version of yourself.
Let me have faith
that my faith is just as it should be.
Let me trust, let me breathe,
let me relax into this moment,
deeply grateful for what is to come.