Today I am a victim of fluctuating hormones. I feel trapped in a prison of rage. I am uncontrollably reactive, and explode angrily when my kids are messy, whiny, and needy–which appears to be all of the time, from my perspective, on this particular day. Immediately after I snap at my kids for doing normal kid things, I feel remorseful and ashamed, and inwardly beat myself up for not being more patient, kind, and loving, for not setting a better example. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, overworked, and I feel awfully alone. I have terrible PMS.
Why does it have to be this bad?
This is a perfect moment to look to yoga for some answers. These struggles inside my own mind can be met with some consciousness. Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, bringing it to stillness so that one can experience one’s own aliveness. With the kids down for nap, I have a moment–just one tiny moment–to be still, breathe, and think.
This isn’t so bad. This day will get better.
I’m not the demonic mother I thought I was fifteen minutes ago when I got angry at my daughter for not cleaning up her Fiddlesticks and stuffed animals. Maybe I haven’t ruined her self-esteem and her trust for the rest of her life. Maybe she will turn out okay in spite of my explosive anger.
Should I take medicine? Is this normal? Is my behavior harmful to my children?
Breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. This will get better. Be patient with yourself, and with life.
I’m going to lie down now and give myself some much needed rest–if my daughter stays in her room and lets me have some time for myself. My kitty has slumped all of her weight against me and is purring like mad. Cats are the ultimate yogis; present, observant, enjoying the comfort that is there, they appear so regal and centered and content.
I want to be more like my cat.