Tag Archives: challenge

From This Vantage Point

Standard

As I got caught up in another wave
of disappointment, frustration and
misbelief at his lack of consideration,
a voice whispered to me
There is another way.
Suddenly I zoomed out
and looked in on my life
from another vantage point.
I saw myself trying to control
that which cannot be controlled.
I saw myself operating within
an outworn paradigm.
The voice said
What you are being asked to let go of
is nothing in comparison to what will come
when you make the space to receive it.
From this vantage point
all of my life’s events have unfolded
for my highest good
always, without exception.
From this vantage point,
it’s all good.
From this vantage point
I can feel grateful, peaceful,
at ease.
From this vantage point
I love my life and the woman I’ve become.
I think I’ll stay here and keep viewing my life
from this vantage point.

Who Am I?

Standard

Still hurting.
When will it stop?
Angry. Hurt. Lonely.
Tired. Overwhelmed. Triggered.
He’s finally moving out,
wanting to sort through
our years of life together,
our stuff.
I’m on edge.
I’m a caged animal,
hot, blinded with rage,
teeth bared, screaming,
throwing myself against
the bars of the cage,
hurting from the impact.
My thoughts are the cage.
My pain is the animal.
But who am I?

Back Home: What Lies Ahead

Standard

I’m back in MD
after a long day of travel.
I’ll be honest…
It’s a let down
coming back to the cold
and the chaos of home
after the warmth
and the simplicity
of the desert.
I thought I did so much
work on my retreat,
the work of awakening,
of becoming more aware.
It turns out
the the greatest work
lies ahead.

Getting Stronger

Standard

Mental gymnastics.
Trying to be strong,
trying to choose the positive way,
resisting negativity, anger,
and then it comes, white hot
and so fast it’s all a blur.
Lost it again.
How many times have I lost it today?
How many times have I apologized
to my children for my explosive anger?
And then it’s time
to apologize to myself
for judging myself
for being hurt and lashing out.
Faced with all of this pain
I’m doing the best I can,
but the voice inside
says, “Never good enough.”
How do I respond to that?
I take a deep breath.
I step back into the arena.
More mental gymnastics,
and maybe I’m getting stronger each time.

From Struggle to Integration

Standard

It was a honeymoon.
With the marriage of
insight, the proper context
and the right timing
I experienced a moment
of freedom
from the pervasive inner negativity
to which I had become so accustomed.
I was so excited
about this newfound freedom
that I shared my story with everyone.
But what goes up,
must come down…
and my emotional system
pushed back hard,
not wanting to give up so easily
the ground it had gained
during its long reign.
Fortunately,
I have come to expect
this kind of systemic backlash
and so I wasn’t surprised
when the negativity
came flooding back today.
I’m working hard to wake up
and to stay awake…
and I’m learning to reframe
my experiences
so that they flow
into the path
that leads to joy.
The honeymoon isn’t over…
This is just a lull,
a chance to see
if I really mean
to talk the talk
and walk the walk.
Now that I’ve experienced
the sweetness of union,
I can’t go back to the old way.
Thank you Teachers
for taking my hand
and keeping me on the path
as I move from inner struggle
to universal integration.

The Flow of All Things

Standard

I lost my temper again today.
It took a moment,
but I was able to forgive myself
for my outburst
and my son
for his sneakiness.
I had been helping my daughter
with her homework
and my son
–against my wishes–
had taken the iPad*,
sneaked it up into his room.
I felt so frustrated
with his dishonesty
and so responsible somehow,
like it wouldn’t have happened
if I could have kept better track of him…
but how can I be in two places at once?
After I got over myself enough
I took my two children to the park;
it was 66 degrees, in February,
can you believe it?
I watched them ride their bikes
in a loop of sidewalk,
down a hill then up a hill,
watched other children
playing, laughing,
so exuberant, full of energy.
Back home,
instead of slipping into
my default mode of feeling
overburdened by dinner preparation,
I enlisted the aid of my children.
I was amazed to see
how happy they were
to help.
I wondered what else I’ll discover
about my two bright little ones
(and myself)
when I let go of the need
to be in control
and open to this moment,
to them,
to the flow of all things.

*Now, if you’re asking yourself “What’s the big deal?  It’s just a kid being sneaky with an iPad,” let me explain that we’ve had multiple conversations about how spending large amounts of time on the iPad will do nothing for his wonderful mind.  He also has been acting like a big time jerk face after spending too much time on the device–disrespectful, moody, whiny, throwing toys, taking swings at me. I thought it was important to take a break from it today and let him know this; he stomped and shouted and was in general very rude to me in response. So maybe you can see now why it would trigger me that he would go and sneak off with the thing when I was helping my daughter with her homework.  If you’re a parent who never loses your temper, tell me how you do it.

The Only Path

Standard

Staying open
in my soft heart
when all I want is to shrink and protect,
I know the meaning of
spiritual warrior.

Clearing my mind
and opening to this moment
when the old stories
are clamoring to be retold,
I realize what it is
to be strong.

This path is not for the faint of heart.
What looks like sitting still and passive
to the outer world
is actually the greatest act of courage
one could undertake.

A path strewn with battles
and no medals awarded for surviving,
Each step requiring great effort
but garnering no recognition–

A difficult path,
but in the end,
the only path,
the path that leads back home
to the truth of who we are.