Sorting through years of being together,
so many memories surfacing,
the sentimentality of it all.
When you left,
you took what you wanted
and left the rest,
an apt metaphor for our life together.
Now I’m left to sort through
the aftermath of our togetherness…alone.
Our children’s artwork, books, clothing, and toys,
bits of this and that,
odds and ends accumulated over the years…
You told me I didn’t want to move
because I have so much sh*t
that I just don’t want to deal
with sorting it and packing it up…
You were only partially correct.
For starters…a lot of this is OUR sh*t, sir,
which is what happens when two people
create two children and live together
for eight years.
A part of me doesn’t want to deal with it,
you are right—
but that’s just one part.
That’s the part you knew and criticized,
the one that was never good enough for you.
But I have other parts.
There’s one part who has been
only too glad to purge myself of you,
my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit,
my home…free from you.
There’s another part that is so strong
and so resilient, it has been working diligently
to release, release, release the old
in order to welcome the new.
Another part is really glad for the future
without you in it as my tormentor,
and who looks forward
to (one day when I’m ready)
stepping into the embrace
of a real man,
a man who sees me and loves me
for my power and strength,
my creativity and sensuality,
my generosity and compassion,
my ability to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings,
my humor and my excitement about life.*
Yet another part is deeply calm and peaceful,
and maybe a little amused at this whole process.
Turns out, sir,
you didn’t know me.
You didn’t know me very much at all.
*Yes, if you had seen and appreciated any of these qualities, our story would have been very different. Your loss, buster. But namaste all the same. 🙏🏻🌈✨
You read that right,
As in, if my soon to be ex-husband
and I manage to collaborate tomorrow
we will reach some sort of resolution,
and this part of the saga will be over.
Please pray for me to be clear,
stay open, and breathe.
I want to move forward.
I want this to be over.
So I will bring my meditation
I’ll breathe and pray while I wait.
I’ll breathe and listen
before I answer.
If I can meditate during mediation,
I can meditate anywhere.
Anybody who prays, sends good vibes, visualizes or otherwise believes in the possibility of something existing beyond 3D reality:
Please hold me in your heart and in your thoughts and prayers as much as you can tomorrow, Monday, November 26, 2018, from 10AM EST on. Best prayer: Lorien, breathe. Best visualization: Me, my children and my soon to be ex-husband happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease, striking a good life balance. Any and all prayers and good vibes are welcome. Thank you in advance!
Choosing clarity, sobriety,
seeing where it will lead me.
Can I hear God’s voice better today
than I heard it yesterday?
Let this be my measure of success:
That I listen to the promptings of Spirit,
I walk with grace upon this world,
I do nothing that insults my inner being,
but choose only that which will exult
my soul, the world’s soul.
Let my prayers be heard:
I am not just this body;
I am the light of consciousness
shining through this human form.
Let me remember who I really am.
Breathe into your thoughts.
the way wind disperses
old dried leaves upon the sidewalk.
Let your breath
blow the thoughts away
and clear the path
to greater things.
I’m discovering that at any point in my experience
I can shut down and close off to what is happening
or I can make space for whatever arises.
The first feels tight, constricted, heavy, and sad…
The second feels open, spacious, light and joyful.
So now I just want to make space,
space to be who I am
and for other people to be who they are,
space for the weather to be what it is
and for the temperature of the air
to be precisely what it is—
never too hot or too cold,
but always just right.
My new mantra is
Let there be space for this too.
Try it out yourself and see how it feels.
In the midst of your full-blown daily life,
whenever anything happens big or small,
say to yourself
Let there be space for this too…
and see what happens.
And then there comes a time
when the hurt and the pain
are too much to bear
and the burden is just so great
that something must change.
And that something is my perception.
When I change the way I look out on the world,
my inner world changes.
I see how my thoughts give rise to reality
and how my anger isn’t helping me.
I see that attempting to shame him
for my discomfort
is only doing to him
what I thought he was doing to me—
using me to tell a victim story.
I am not a victim.
I am the fortunate recipient of the life spark,
and I will carry it for as long as I am meant to.
I think I’ve said this before
But it’s time to forgive.
It really is.
It changes quickly.
(It always does.)
A good night of sleep
or a solid meal
and the demons
that seemed so ferocious
dissipate back into wisps of ether,
and I’m left wondering
what I got so worked up about.
And so it goes,
the cyclical nature
of weather and emotions
and time and libidos…
and all I can do
is try to slow down
my own thinking
take a deep breath,
all is well.
I have found that my journals help to reveal the cyclical nature of things. They have been a source of great comfort to me, as I see that the struggles I’m having now are the same ones I had when I was 20. Different characters, different contexts, but same feelings: fear, anxiety, depression, powerlessness, loneliness, transmuted into courage, confidence, joy, empowerment, connection. Cycling endlessly, for all time.