I love you, forever and always. I promise to take care of you and never, ever leave you. I promise to support you any way I can. I promise to celebrate you and all your successes. I am so proud of who you’ve become! I love spending time with you! You are such an amazing person; I’m so inspired by you, your openness, vulnerability, willingness to dig deep and allow your authentic self to speak. Let me know how I can love you better. I am here totally and completely for you.
You’ve come a long way baby! You were scared to live without him and then he left. You thought you were going to die, but you didn’t. You were terrified you wouldn’t find a new home, and then you did. You weren’t sure you could make ends meet, but you have, month after month after month. Just look at you go, sweetheart! See how it all works out? From my perspective, you’re a superhero. And…I LOVE YOU.
Industry. Productivity. Recommitting to creating a financially sustainable livelihood doing what I love. Being willing to go the distance, to pay whatever the price to live a life in alignment with who I am at the center of my being. I care not for the opinions of those who settle for mediocrity; they cannot help me. I will not ask for permission to walk this path of living heartfelt into my divine destiny. My clarity is my gift to myself. I don’t need to change what I feel and I am no longer afraid of what arises from my depths to be seen and heard and embraced like never before. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, so I live this day as if it is my last, heartfelt, walking my path of divine destiny.
In this spacious present I can relax, breathe, recognize that everything is ok. Why has so much of my time been spent being educated away from what is here? Can I unlearn enough to have the space in my mind to be truly present? What would I do with such clarity, such immense and immediate expansion? Knowing that I could never shrink back to what I was before, is it safe to leave behind what is familiar transform and face the adventure before me?
I was married to a hairdresser, and in June 2017 he told me he would no longer cut my hair. (Or sleep in the same bed. Or share our life, our finances, our time.) I’ve been sleeping alone since then, and have fought mightily to stay committed to this plane of existence, and I have progressed by leaps and bounds since June 2017, when I was a messy slobbering puddle on the floor grieving my life before it was blown apart. As time passed I discovered that I enjoyed sleeping alone, and I felt more committed to staying on this plane of existence, but I still hadn’t gotten my hair cut. I had built up the importance of finding a new hairdresser to the point of feeling anxious and overwhelmed at the prospect of choosing. So I didn’t choose. I did nothing. My dear friend gifted me with a hair cut last July when I visited her in Colorado, and I was oh so grateful to be neatened up a bit… but I still hadn’t found someone else to cut my hair in this town where I live, until today. Today I picked up the phone, dialed the salon nearest my house, booked the next available appointment, found my way into a chair just an hour later. I got a haircut! I got a haircut! I got a haircut! And I am free at last.
Self-reliance. Without my husband there to help, getting a Christmas tree seemed like a daunting task. I cursed the tradition as I arrived on the lot, and inwardly resented the happy couples tying their trees on the roofs of their vehicles, cheerfully chatting, working together, getting it done together. But I had help too. Two young men put the tree on the roof, and I figured out the ratchet straps to secure the tree (mostly). Back home I even managed to carry that seven foot tall fragrant Frasier fir inside my house AND set it on the tree stand, by myself. Someday, one day, I may find a new love who will delight in accompanying me on Christmas tree expeditions… Until then, can I love the one in me who was strong enough to get it done all by myself?
The sadness consumes me
and it feels so familiar to be caught like this,
to be caught by anger, by resentment,
by anxiety, by fear, by doubt…
It occurs to me that it doesn’t take
much courage to feel what I’m feeling,
but it does take courage to recognize
what the feelings are here to teach me.
What can I learn from the sadness,
from these shadow emotions
whose presence bring balance
to the more desirable states of
joy, calm, love, confidence?
There is a deeper courage called for here:
to trust that if they’ve shown up,
they have something, some message to convey,
and to be patient and wait
while the message becomes clear.