Tag Archives: confusion

πŸ‘»GhostedπŸ‘»

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We went on some wonderful dates.
First date: A twenty-mile bike ride.
Second date: Kayaking on the lake, then sushi,
then yoga on an outdoor covered stage
during a thunderstorm.
Third date: Rock climbing,
swinging in my hammock,
heart full of possibility.
All dates: Amazing conversation,
many points of common interest,
lots of laughter.
We had a fourth date last Thursday.
He kissed me! I was thrilled!
We talked about moving forward with each other.
I felt myself falling in love!
We made plans for Monday.
And then…
And then…
Saturday came and there was no word from him.
It was hard for me to enjoy the 4th of July
because I felt so much angst and uncertainty.
Sunday came and there was no word from him.
It was hard for me to enjoy the 5th of July
because I felt so much sadness and confusion.
Monday came and there was no word from him.
It was hard for me to enjoy the 6th of July
because I felt so much heartbreak and devastation.
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πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ‘»He ghosted me.πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ‘»
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With the ghostly memories of our wonderful dates
moaning and wailing in my ears,
I kept asking, Why? Why?
What did I do wrong?

Heart broken, sad,
ashamed that I had let my guard down
and shown a man my heart
after three long years of…
no…man…at all…
I reached out to make sure he was safe.
He said, Can we be friends?
I began to feel angry at life, angry at God,
angry at myself for risking being hurt again.
I wanted to crawl under a rock
and go back to living like a nun.
My friend and my sister said,
Just get back on those dating sites
and see what happens.

I have a first date scheduled for Friday:
Coffee
I have a first date scheduled for Saturday:
Hiking
I have a first date scheduled for Sunday:
Kayaking Big Gunpowder Falls.
Wish me luck.

Awaken…On Tinder?

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Maybe I should’ve put something like
I’ve lived as a nun for the last three years
on my dating profile…
Maybe it would ward off the men
who think I want to see pictures
of their…ahem…you-know-whats
before I’ve even met them.
I knew there was a reason
I refused to attempt online dating until now!
It’s been 24 hours,
I’ve been graced with the dubious gift
of close up pics
of TWO men’s…(you-know-whats),
and my feminine heart
that yearns for a beautiful, loving man
is disgusted by the crassness,
and the practical single mom in me,
who has only so much time and energy,
says that this online dating stuff
is a serious waste of time.
I mean…
Is it even possible to awaken…on Tinder?

This Too Will Pass

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Dear One,
I know your heart hurts.
I know you feel confused.
I know you wonder if you
will ever let yourself
be fully seen by another.
I know the world feels heavy.
I know that the tears
are waiting just behind your eyes.
So let yourself cry.
This world needs your tears.
They are the holiest of waters,
washing away the dust and dirt
of countless injustices
done to your precious, tender heart.
Dear One, I see you,
and I am grateful for your courage,
for your willingness to show up on this day
as messy and uncertain and vulnerable
as you feel.
Stay open, Dear One.
Stay open and breathe.
This too will pass.
This too will pass.

Trust The Unfolding

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My mind gets caught
in the most current challenge.
Around and around in a circle it goes,
trying to figure it all out.
But what if it isn’t meant to be figured out?
What if it’s meant to be lived?
What if it were enough to
just make it through this day,
with a body, mind, heart and spirit
all seeking integration?
What if I could breathe deeply,
relax into this moment,
and trust the unfolding
of my experience,
allowing the answers to be revealed
when the time is right?

Who Needs ‘Em?

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Haven’t I given enough?
Can’t you love me now?
Can’t you accept me now?
Can’t you see how hard I try?
You owe me.
What? You don’t want
the kind of love I want?
What?
You want freedom?
You want lightness
and fun
and excitement?
You want what you want?
Wait. You’re leaving?
You think this is all my fault?
Wait!
We can work this out.
I can admit to my faults.
Can you admit to yours?
Wait, what?
This is all my fault, really?
Yep.
Relationships are so complicated.
Who needs ’em?

I Hope So

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Driving home,
tired to the bone,
the Pawlonia and honey locust
give me hope,
glowing in the setting sun.
Whizzing by
do the other drivers see
the majesty of this moment,
this life?
I’m feeling alone.
All of the other old feelings come back.
I ask again why it has come to this,
why I am now struggling financially,
why my children aren’t with me daily,
why he gets to strut around town
with a new woman
(in her sexy dresses and high heels)
while I’m at home alone
worrying about money.
I’m tired.
Maybe this will all look different tomorrow.
I hope so.

What Do I Do?

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My precious ones are back with me
and home feels like home again.
I am struck by the stories they tell.
We met Dad’s girlfriend.
Her cats’ names are Chubby and Skinny.
We had ice cream.
We’re all going out to dinner for Dad’s birthday.
And I realize that the biggest loss of all
may be the loss of the shared experience of family.
We used to do things together.
We used to be a family…
and now we’re not.
I still can’t believe it some days.
Some nights I still reach for him
thinking he’s still in bed with me,
but he has been sharing his bed with another
for months.
Somehow I still love him.
What do I do with this?

I Do Not Know

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My mind is full
and my body tired.
I ask my writing
to do the impossible–
wake me up
although I am sleepy
and remind me of what is good
as my mind swarms with confusing,
dark thoughts.
The plight of the human–
to live with so much ambivalence,
to strike a balance
and live with consequences,
defining what center is
as it shifts from day to day,
attempting to find stability
when the only constant is change.
I go to sleep hoping
that it will all make more sense in the morning,
but my strange dreams contribute
to the ever growing realization
that there is so much I do not know.