Maybe I should’ve put something like
I’ve lived as a nun for the last three years
on my dating profile…
Maybe it would ward off the men
who think I want to see pictures
before I’ve even met them.
I knew there was a reason
I refused to attempt online dating until now!
It’s been 24 hours,
I’ve been graced with the dubious gift
of close up pics
of TWO men’s…(you-know-whats),
and my feminine heart
that yearns for a beautiful, loving man
is disgusted by the crassness,
and the practical single mom in me,
who has only so much time and energy,
says that this online dating stuff
is a serious waste of time.
Is it even possible to awaken…on Tinder?
I know your heart hurts.
I know you feel confused.
I know you wonder if you
will ever let yourself
be fully seen by another.
I know the world feels heavy.
I know that the tears
are waiting just behind your eyes.
So let yourself cry.
This world needs your tears.
They are the holiest of waters,
washing away the dust and dirt
of countless injustices
done to your precious, tender heart.
Dear One, I see you,
and I am grateful for your courage,
for your willingness to show up on this day
as messy and uncertain and vulnerable
as you feel.
Stay open, Dear One.
Stay open and breathe.
This too will pass.
This too will pass.
My mind gets caught
in the most current challenge.
Around and around in a circle it goes,
trying to figure it all out.
But what if it isn’t meant to be figured out?
What if it’s meant to be lived?
What if it were enough to
just make it through this day,
with a body, mind, heart and spirit
all seeking integration?
What if I could breathe deeply,
relax into this moment,
and trust the unfolding
of my experience,
allowing the answers to be revealed
when the time is right?
Haven’t I given enough?
Can’t you love me now?
Can’t you accept me now?
Can’t you see how hard I try?
You owe me.
What? You don’t want
the kind of love I want?
You want freedom?
You want lightness
You want what you want?
Wait. You’re leaving?
You think this is all my fault?
We can work this out.
I can admit to my faults.
Can you admit to yours?
This is all my fault, really?
Relationships are so complicated.
Who needs ’em?
tired to the bone,
the Pawlonia and honey locust
give me hope,
glowing in the setting sun.
do the other drivers see
the majesty of this moment,
I’m feeling alone.
All of the other old feelings come back.
I ask again why it has come to this,
why I am now struggling financially,
why my children aren’t with me daily,
why he gets to strut around town
with a new woman
(in her sexy dresses and high heels)
while I’m at home alone
worrying about money.
Maybe this will all look different tomorrow.
I hope so.
My precious ones are back with me
and home feels like home again.
I am struck by the stories they tell.
We met Dad’s girlfriend.
Her cats’ names are Chubby and Skinny.
We had ice cream.
We’re all going out to dinner for Dad’s birthday.
And I realize that the biggest loss of all
may be the loss of the shared experience of family.
We used to do things together.
We used to be a family…
and now we’re not.
I still can’t believe it some days.
Some nights I still reach for him
thinking he’s still in bed with me,
but he has been sharing his bed with another
Somehow I still love him.
What do I do with this?
My mind is full
and my body tired.
I ask my writing
to do the impossible–
wake me up
although I am sleepy
and remind me of what is good
as my mind swarms with confusing,
The plight of the human–
to live with so much ambivalence,
to strike a balance
and live with consequences,
defining what center is
as it shifts from day to day,
attempting to find stability
when the only constant is change.
I go to sleep hoping
that it will all make more sense in the morning,
but my strange dreams contribute
to the ever growing realization
that there is so much I do not know.