Healing isn’t linear.
As much as we want it to be,
as much as we want to control this process,
there comes a moment
when we need to submit,
surrender to the Divine Will,
and let go into the inevitable.
There is no neat line to walk on,
only spirals and curves
and portals to different dimensions…
awaiting our observation,
that trying to control
leads to more struggle,
accepting where I am now,
and praying earnestly
brings me closer to peace.
If you are suffering in this moment,
this is my wish for you:
That you breathe,
accept where you are now,
and pray to your Higher Power
with an earnest heart,
that you may be brought
closer to peace.
Choosing clarity, sobriety,
seeing where it will lead me.
Can I hear God’s voice better today
than I heard it yesterday?
Let this be my measure of success:
That I listen to the promptings of Spirit,
I walk with grace upon this world,
I do nothing that insults my inner being,
but choose only that which will exult
my soul, the world’s soul.
Let my prayers be heard:
I am not just this body;
I am the light of consciousness
shining through this human form.
Let me remember who I really am.
I’ve been searching for something out there,
sometimes catching a whiff of its fragrance
in the wind.
It would render me melancholy
to sense it but experience it
so far away,
when my heart longed for this thing
I could not know.
Sometimes it was a rush of cold air
into my nostrils
as I stepped from my grandmother’s house
into the winter night
and I’d search for the star
in the dark blue sky
that told me the light
was returning soon.
For the longest time
I feared the magic and suppressed it
much to my heart’s dismay.
The whole world seemed cold and dark
and I was trapped in a prison
of my own making.
Spirit came to rattle me out of my cage
and throw me into the light of day.
Such a fool I was,
resisting a project of God’s hand.
How can I stop the ocean from surging?
How can I move the sun in the sky?
How can I make the moon glow brightly?
How can I give the gift of new life?
I only experience these things
because consciousness pours through me.
Who made this consciousness,
the perceiver and the perceived?
My body speaks clearly.
Its language is believed.
I trust the longing in me now.
The magic in me swells alive within.
I open the door to the cold and dark everywhere
and catch its beloved fragrance on the wind.
I learned a breathing technique last night,
and this morning,
I ditched my established meditation routine
and focused on this one thing.
It was kind of amazing
to try something new.
After more than 1.5 years doing the same thing,
it was a revelation
to just switch it up.
And then I wondered,
In what other areas of my life
have I gotten stuck in a routine,
and where else do I need to
ditch the old
and just switch it up?
It’s finally dawning on me
that success isn’t some
flip of the switch,
wave of the wand moment.
Some fairy godmother won’t descend
out of the sky singing
and make my entire life perfect.
Success is going through the day
feeling super anxious
and remembering a few times
to take a breath.
Success is showing up for the interview.
It’s cooking dinner for the children
when I just want to take a nap.
It’s remembering, finally,
that I am not a victim,
and that I can choose how my story goes.
It’s feeling gratitude regardless,
letting my heart open to the love that is there,
even if it hasn’t appeared
the way I was hoping it would.
It’s showing up on my cushion
morning after morning
to sit and breathe and just be with what is.
Success is a lot more incremental
than I once thought it was.
It’s breath by breath
moment by moment
inch by inch
letting go of my past as I
look to the future.
Ah, now. This is good.
I can relax and enjoy my success!
I can get excited about what’s coming,
I can dwell in the past,
or I can rest in awareness of my awareness
in this present moment.
One is creative and incites me to action.
One recreates the hunger of anxious places.
One allows me to see my Universe
from a broader perspective.
Where I go in my mind is my choice.
May I choose well.
Resisting the broken places
won’t heal them;
they’ll only get louder and more broken.
But how to love what hurts?
How to accept that these feelings are here
to be embraced as they’ve never been before?*
You must trust.
But how do I trust
when all evidence points to
nothing trustworthy in the universe?
You must have faith.
But how do I have faith
when it feels like
I’ve been brought to the pit of hell
and abandoned there?
You must love.
But how do I love
when all I feel is anger, sadness, and loneliness?
You must breathe.
I think I can do that.
*An idea from Matt Kahn’s book, Whatever Arises, LOVE That