Tag Archives: courage

Ready to Heal

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Healing can come quickly if we’re willing.
When we take those first tentative steps,
the Universe rallies to our support.
It doesn’t take much…
Just a word, a breath, a glance,
just a hint of a desire for change,
and the great big ball starts rolling.
Sometimes it feels like nothing has happened.
The shifts are so exquisitely subtle
that no one notices they have happened.
But many such shifts over time
add up incrementally
until you look back and see
that transformation has taken place.
Let my new prayer be
I am willing.
Let me trust completely
in the power that brought me here.
Let me open myself to the endless love
of the Divine expressed everywhere.
I am ready to heal.

I Got A Haircut!

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I was married to a hairdresser,
and in June 2017
he told me he would no longer cut my hair.
(Or sleep in the same bed.
Or share our life, our finances, our time.)
I’ve been sleeping alone since then,
and have fought mightily
to stay committed to this plane of existence,
and I have progressed by leaps and bounds
since June 2017, when I was
a messy slobbering puddle on the floor
grieving my life before it was blown apart.
As time passed
I discovered that I enjoyed sleeping alone,
and I felt more committed to
staying on this plane of existence,
but I still hadn’t gotten my hair cut.
I had built up the importance
of finding a new hairdresser
to the point of feeling anxious
and overwhelmed at the prospect of choosing.
So I didn’t choose.
I did nothing.
My dear friend gifted me with a hair cut last July
when I visited her in Colorado,
and I was oh so grateful to be neatened up a bit…
but I still hadn’t found
someone else to cut my hair in this town where I live,
until today.
Today I picked up the phone,
dialed the salon nearest my house,
booked the next available appointment,
found my way into a chair just an hour later.
I got a haircut!
I got a haircut!
I got a haircut!
And I am free at last.

The War Within

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A sense of heaviness, futility
from deep within.
Maybe it’s a simple case of fatigue.
I summon the courage and the strength
to recognize I won’t feel this way forever.
I face the demons, and I do battle.
No one sees. No one knows.
To the outside world,
I’m this cheerful person.
No one realizes the mighty battle
I’m fighting every day.
Sometimes the greatest wars
are waged within.

Within: A Note to the Trolls and Other Thoughts

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Dear Troll,
Are you he,
the one who procreated with me
and then left,
blaming me for everything?
Or are you one of his minions,
currying favor with him,
by feeding the thought
that I’m the crazy one?
Just curious…
don’t you have anything better to do,
than to scour the internet
looking for proof
that his lies about me are true?
I am a woman
making my way back on my feet
after a devastating loss.
Are you his new victim?
Do you believe the story that he loves you?
He told me he loved me once.
But when all was said and done,
it was easier to blame me for his pain
than to man up and work on himself.
Dear Troll,
You can troll all you want.
He can say that I am “whining” online.
But I will not stop speaking my truth.
And someday you might discover
that the things you criticize in me
are the disowned places in you
crying out for your loving attention.
When you feel ready to access those places,
you’ll stop pointing your finger at others
and go in the only real direction
that you haven’t yet explored…
within.

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Yesterday in a text message my ex-husband accused me of “whining online.” If you look at my post yesterday, you’ll see I talked about some challenges I’m currently going through: his underpayment of court-ordered support and the subsequent need to take legal action, as well as my need to secure new health insurance. Admittedly I was a bit startled when he referenced my online activity—choosing words that confirmed he had read my post—because it got me thinking that he or someone else is trolling this blog, stirring up adversity and feeding the story that there is something wrong with me. I speak this out into space, because I’m discovering more and more that abuse and shame can’t exist out in the open. Our secrets make us sick, and I won’t keep it a secret that the man I once loved is deciding to take liberties with the agreement he signed his name on, and justifying withholding funds from court-ordered support for me and his children with his twisted logic. I speak this out in the open, because unfortunately, underpayment or no payment of child support is the norm in our society, and those who have a legal responsibility to provide support to their children and former partners somehow manage to dodge the law and dodge the consequences that the law would mete out if they were caught in a timely fashion. I speak this out because I want this trend to change. I realize that if it has been this awful for me—coming from relative privilege (education, resources, community, job)—how must it be for the population of underprivileged single moms out there who don’t have access to the same resources? Finally, my words are my power. By speaking my truth I know who I am. I will not back down. I plan on fighting a good fight, for myself and all moms everywhere who struggle to know what their future will hold in a time of such volatility and uncertainty.

And to you trolls out there, whether you are he himself, or his new intimate victim, or one of his “friends,” keep reading. Enjoy my posts. Have fun. May you be safe, happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease. And may the pure light of awareness shine upon you and lead you to the realization that what you do to another you do to yourself, so that you can begin helping instead of continuing to hurt. When you feed a story like this, it helps no one. I stand with my hand stretched out in friendship, and you can take it at any time. The choice is yours.

I Love Myself: A Mantra

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I love myself
I love myself
I love myself

Try repeating this mantra
while you breathe
deeply and slowly

Try standing in your strength,
rooting down,
stretching up,
breathing,
repeating

I love myself
I love myself
I love myself


What will happen
in the space of
inspiration,
when love is what is
felt on the inside?

What will happen
in the release of
exhalation,
when love is what is
expressed outwardly
as truth?

What if you knew your truth
would help others?
Would you speak it?

I love myself
I love myself
I love myself.


What would it feel like
if you really believed it?
What would it sound like
if you could really mean it?

What would your life be like
if you allowed yourself to really dream it?

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Inspired by Kamal Ravikant’s book “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.” I find the cover art pretty triggering, let me say…but don’t we sometimes need strong images to wake us up to the truth? Self-love saves lives. I found it well worth the read. I will read it again. I have been practicing the mantra for months, and began teaching it to my students this past month. It’s powerful to work with the mind in this way, to train it to reach for a better thought. The best thought…the one that could save your life, and the lives of those around you.

Let’s Breathe

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It’s time.
It’s time to let go of the stuff that no longer serves you.
It’s time to stand in your truth
and lead from your heart center.
It’s time to take action,
so summon your courage.

But…I don’t have any courage.

Of course you have courage.
Don’t you have a heart?

Yes. I have a heart.

Well if you have a heart
then you have courage.

Oh.

Sit, my friend.
Close your eyes.
Put your hands over your heart.
Breathe deeply.
Feel your heart beating.
There. There is your courage.

But I’m afraid.

Of course you’re afraid!
The old you doesn’t want to change.
But you are not your old self.
You are not your family, your race,
your gender, your job, your role.
You are not your broken places
crying out for healing.

You are the one who knows the light,
who moves continually toward it
in ever-widening circles of grace and love.
You are the one who seeks expression
of the gifts buried within you,
who knows these gifts will bless the world.

Gifts? What gifts? I don’t have any gifts.

Of course you have gifts!
Out of 7.7 billion people on this planet,
there is only one you.
You are unique.
Therefore, you have gifts.

Oh.

You can feel fear
and take action anyway.
You can have doubts
but know that you have something to give.
Feel the fear, have the doubts,
but move toward your dream.
This is courage. You are courage.
We need you. Please do not leave us in darkness.
We need your light.

But I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.

You are not alone.
We are with you.
Every single one of us who has a heart—
we are with you.
For now, all I need you to do is breathe.
Can you do that?

Yes. I can breathe.

Good. Then let’s breathe.