Tag Archives: craziness

Wish Me Luck

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Sleep deprivation.
Kids woke me up at night.
Lost my temper. Yelled.
Felt ashamed.
Too angry to sleep.
Tossed and turned all night.
Morning came. Groggy.
Meditation was a joke.
Meditated anyway.
Worried my teaching would be compromised.
Taught two yoga classes anyway.
Grocery store, card declined,
scrambling to scrape up money;
a girlfriend lent me the rest of what I needed.
(Had to drive to her house to borrow a card
and drive it back again.)
Embarrassed.
Ashamed.
Depressed.
Turned it around,
made dinner,
read the kids a story.
Snuggled my son.
He said he loved me.
Then he said he loved his dad.
The he said he loved the other woman.
He said her name as we were snuggling.
The kids went to their rooms. To bed.
I lost it again.
I was slamming and screaming
This isn’t fair!
I don’t deserve this.
Slamming and screaming.
Don’t traumatize the children.
I asked my husband to get the kids.
I told him I needed to get help.
He came and got them.
My daughter cried;
she didn’t want to leave.
I tried to reassure her that I’m going to be ok.
I was trying to reassure myself too.
Guilty.
Ashamed.
Tired.
Feeling defeated.
Spoke with two recovery friends.
Feeling a little better.
Trying to rest now.
Wish me luck.

Not Today

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I was down again today.
Tired.
Had a spat with my sister,
was triggered, lost it.
I slammed and screamed
around my house
like a lunatic.
I took a bath seething
hotter than the steaming water.
Then, exhaustion.
I felt weary, alone,
and so completely low.
I wrote to God,
asking him to strike me down.
I asked What’s the point
of struggling like this?
I asked Why should I
keep suffering like this?
I told God I was so tired
of all of it. I told God
I was ready to die.
Then I cried
and cried and cried
some more.
I texted a friend.
No answer.
I spoke briefly with my mother.
She didn’t know what to say.
I hung up and cried more.
I tried texting my friend again.
No answer. Again.
More crying.
Crying in my kitchen.
Crying the laundry room.
Crying in the hall.
Crying in my bedroom.
Crying until I was blind.
Finally I tried another friend.
She said, “Wanna bring your kids over for pizza?”
Thank you God.
I guess today isn’t the day to die.

Nighttime Self-Pity

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I’m feeling crazy and tired.
Kids are whimpering,
arguing,
resisting going to bed.
There is a mountain of laundry
waiting on my bed,
beckoning me
in a way I don’t want to be beckoned.
And their dad
is at a yoga class.
I ask why
he didn’t want to go to yoga
until he wanted a divorce.
Maybe he’ll find
another yoga teacher
to marry.

Crazy Delight

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You’re crazy
I’m crazy
we’re all crazy–
and that’s okay.
When we realize finally
that we are crazy
this is the beginning of sanity.
We don’t ask ourselves
to be other than who we are,
but meeting ourselves with kindness
just as we are
we start to see
bit by bit
where we have been sleeping.
When we finally realize
that we have been sleeping,
this is the beginning of wakefulness.
And what do we awaken to?
We awaken to the fact
that we are no crazier
than anyone else out there,
that we’re all in this big crazy mess together,
and that’s sheer delight!
Now we have all sorts of
crazy mothers and fathers
and sisters and brothers,
one family
singing the same song
of crazy delight.