I took my fourth dose of Welbutrin this morning. Last night was the second night in a row that I slept very little. Imagine being wide awake at 1:14am, knowing that your body is tired after a long day but feeling no drowsiness, no sign that sleep will come. The one good thing about being wide awake last night was my meditation was very focused and deep. I fidgeted at one point and glanced at the time, thinking that I was only ten minutes into my thirty minute session; I was surprised to see that twenty-five minutes had in fact elapsed, just like that. I rarely lose myself in my meditation so much that I’m unaware of the time. Most sessions I’m painfully aware of the minutes as they tick by, a nagging sense of impatience, the incessant chatter of my mind. So one could say that last night’s session was a rare gift. Other than that, the insomnia that resulted from my unnatural nocturnal alertness…well…to put it plainly, it sucked.
Today I’m feeling on edge, more easily irritated by the little things, more reactive. I’m a bit shaky, I don’t feel like myself, everything seems a bit off. I began taking antidepressant medication to lessen these feelings, but the sleeplessness and the resulting physical and mental sensations make my efforts seem in vain.
I am told that the side effects will lessen as my body adjusts. I’m wondering how long I’ll need to wait for that adjustment to take place. Sleep deprivation makes anyone feel crazy, and I’m almost ready to quit taking the medicine just to get a good night of sleep.
I have called my primary care doc’s office three times already today, hoping to speak with her about spacing my doses so that I won’t be kept up at night. I’d like to get a good answer, like, “It’s safe to take your second dose eight hours after your morning dose,” or, “Take one dose daily until your body adjusts,” or “Cut your second dose in half.” But after not hearing back from my doctor, after calling the pharmacy, and even calling my therapist to see if he knew anything about how to have a gentle tapering on of the medicine, I’m started to feel pretty burned up about all of this.
Time to apply yogic philosophy, because I know how, because I can.
Lorien, take a deep breath. This moment, all is well. Stay grounded in the present moment, and remember the self in you that extends beyond your body, your mind, this physical world. Breathe, and breathe again.
It’s now 9:30pm, the kids are in bed, and I think my body might be able to wind down at a normal time tonight. Today it was my son’s second birthday, and I felt crazy for most of the day. I wish it weren’t so, but the fact is, today he was throwing so much stuff, loud stuff, that clattered on the floor, I kept hearing myself say, “STOP THROWING! You’re making me CRAZY!”
Tonight, on the car ride home from eating out at the Golden West Cafe to celebrate the little guy’s birthday, I heard him say something like, “Mmmph QUAYzee.” Oh dear, he heard me, every time.
Time to meditate. Time to be still. Time to rest.