My body awoke this morning,
but my soul remained somewhere
in the dream realm.
Now I feel lost, listless, disembodied,
caught in this in between place.
It is a beautiful day,
so much to appreciate,
but this feeling of being lost
follows me everywhere I go.
I pray for strength to allow these feelings
to move through me,
knowing that no feeling lasts forever.
You know when you go to sleep angry
and wake up angry
and try as you might to change it
you go through the day angry?
And then you feel depressed
because you’ve been angry
and the anger is exhausting
and you’re looking around at your messy life,
wondering when you’ll have the energy to get organized,
but then you remember that you’re a single parent,
and there’s already too much to do,
and so you look at the mess and think,
Well, I did it again!
Returning home this afternoon
after teaching two yoga classes;
my music director neighbor was outside
and mentioned a choral concert
he was conducting at a church downtown,
one hour after my evening workshop
I think I can make it, I told him.
But I may be kind of blahhhhh;
I’ve had a busy weekend.
Well, he said, We’ll see ya when we see ya!
I taught my workshop,
and my impulse was to go straight home
and once again
feel lonely and sorry for myself.
Don’t go to the city
the anxious one in me said,
You’ll have to worry about parking
and you’re a women
I made myself go.
I forced myself.
I found parking not far from the church,
arrived early, found a seat in the front row.
The music was so beautiful I cried.
Afterwards I gave my neighnor a hug,
thanked him for the invitation.
Home now, freshly showered,
safe and warm,
I’m so grateful I didn’t listen
to the anxious voice
telling me not to go.
I think I’m on a roll!
It’s amazing what can happen
when you get over yourself
and try something new.
I made myself get out tonight,
even though a part of me
just wanted to stay home
and feel lonely and depressed.
I made myself get out tonight
to attend the yoga studio
I took the staff yoga class,
and ate some yummy vegan food;
I even won a gift card in a raffle!
I sat and ate, and
multiple people actually
sat down next to me
and talked to me!
It felt good to connect.
It felt good to be out,
to be in the presence of
kind souls making merry.
Yes, it’s amazing what can happen
when you get over yourself
and try something new.
I keep asking how I can get myself to a better place
And the inner voice keeps saying
You need to be more fully where you are right now.
It’s so demoralizing to understand concepts like
Self-love, compassion, forgiveness and acceptance
and yet have no idea how to embody them,
no clue how to move from intellectual understanding
to grounded action, authentic experience.
If only I could apply what I have in my head,
I could save the world…
or at least myself.
Perhaps if I slow down and breathe a little deeper
Maybe I’ll find the peace I’m yearning for and
Somehow I’ll relax and enjoy this moment.
Pointless as it is to struggle against reality I find
Myself resisting what is and isolating myself in my pain,
starkly contrasting with the sunshiny exterior my students see.
Possibly I can hang in there and keep breathing until
Magically my mood shifts into a brighter place.
Someday I’ll feel like myself again.
I take a breath.
This moment is good.
I choose to meet it with gratitude.
Not fighting, but accepting this moment,
choosing how to act, what to say.
Sometimes I’m not ready
for this level of responsibility.
Sometimes I’m full of joy and gratitude
for this opportunity to grow and evolve.
Sometimes I move from
to bubbly happiness
This is what it is to be human,
able to feel so much.
She keeps striking out in the darkness,
but there is no one there to fight.
The shadows dance and slip away,
and she is exhausted to her very soul,
sparring with aggressors that don’t exist.
How to be successful in battle
when the one she fights
is on the inside?
Something beautiful is happening…
I think it might be resilience?
Wisdom gained from experience?
But as I found myself caught
in my monthly darkness today,
instead of falling all the way down
into the dark hole of depression
and believing my life was never good
and never will be good
I remembered that this was a temporary darkness,
and all I had to do was ride it out.
I prayed. I breathed.
I reassured the little girl in me
who was never allowed to feel sad or angry
that I saw her and loved her.
It didn’t change the mood.
it was still awful and dark and sad,
but some part of me knew this was temporary.
What can I call this?
That has a nice ring to it.
I think I’ll call it grace.
I’m discovering that I need people to be happy.
I’m noticing that when I’m around people
I feel good.
I feel happy.
But when I’m by myself,
I become depressed.
I don’t eat.
I feel worthless.
I’m trying to bring more
into my life,
but connection takes time and energy.
How do I find the energy and motivation
when I’ve been alone for so long
that I’m feeling heavy and depressed?
What came first…the loneliness or the depression?
I sense that I’ve had this feeling for a long, long time.
Even as a child some part of me knew
I needed deep, meaningful connection,
and when I was made to be in groups
where only superficial connection was taking place,
I felt drained, listless.
I decided that I was better off by myself.
I labeled myself as an introvert,
and I’ve spent a lot of my life just wanting to be away from people.
But now I see a distinction to be made.
Connection is so much more
than being with someone for the sake of not being alone…
It’s being together with a sense of purpose,
engaging in co-evolution, exploration, sharing, growth.
Relating heart to heart, mind to mind, soul to soul—
this is what I yearn for.