Tag Archives: depression

Enough

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I am enough.
No. You’re not.
I am enough.
This is such a joke.
I am enough.
Stop fooling yourself!
I am enough.
You are delusional.
I am enough.
Just go get a job.
I am enough.
You are a dried up husk.
I am enough.
This is all your fault.
I am enough.
You’ll never succeed.
I am enough.
You’ll feel this way forever.
I am enough.
No one likes you.
I am enough.
Just shut up.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I give up.
I am enough.

Healing the Hard Way

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This healing is taking so long.
One year later and I’m still angry,
still depressed, still believing sometimes
that I’d rather be dead than go through this.
At other times I’m grateful to be alive.
It feels like an endless roller coaster ride.
Is this how life is supposed to be?
I want stability. I want peace.
And yet…I want change. I want excitement.
Can there be room for all of these?
I’m tired of asking so many questions,
tired of so much unresolved stuff
whizzing around my head.
But isn’t this how I learn?
I dedicate the merit of my sit
to awakening in awareness of my true self
for the benefit of all beings.
Could it be that every one of these
painful experiences
has something to teach me?
Could it be that every single one
of these heartbreaking moments
is part of the plan?
I’m tired. I want to be healed.
Am I just healing the hard way?
And is there any easier way than this?

Everything Will Work Out

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Just get through today,
my recovery friends tell me.
Just get through the next hour,
the next minute.
I ask myself what got me here,
wondering how I’ll make it through
one more minute.
It’s a soul contract,
my spiritual buddies tell me.
You accomplished
everything you were meant to
and now the relationship
has run its course.
You can let go now.
But how?
He’s gone,
and all I feel is the pain.
When did the pain start?
Surely before I married him.
I must’ve brought it with me
into the marriage,
and somehow, together,
we activated it
so that I could learn.
Can I thank him
for giving me a chance
to see and work through
my old pain?
Can I have faith
that Divine Love
brought me here
but won’t abandon me here?
Can I trust
that everything will work out?

Will It Help?

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I return home to an empty house.
I’m reminded of what I once had,
what is gone now.
They tell me You’ll get better,
You’ll get stronger.
They tell me
This is the best thing
that could’ve happened to you.
But what do they know?
Slogging it out,
one day at a time,
one year at a time,
recovering from
the devastation,
on most days
I feel too tired to be grateful,
and yet I keep pushing through.
I write in my gratitude journal:
I woke up today.
I meditated.
My sitter was able to come.
I was able to pay for lunch today.
They tell me my gratitude
will open up the gateway to abundance.
But will it help me to live
when I have no money left in my bank account?

Nothing to Forgive

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This is healing:
It goes in spirals,
rarely in a straight line,
takes steps, hops and leaps,
sometimes goes so slowly it aches,
wondering how long
it will feel this way,
wanting it to change,
wanting to be different,
asking for patience
when thoughts stay the same
day after day after day.
Hoping for little changes,
giving thanks for what is here,
giving thanks for love, for life.
This is courage:
taking one more breath
when you question
the reason for your being here,
and when nothing seems
good enough to keep you here,
when you want to get away from yourself,
from everything,
when you want to escape
everything that ails you
and you believe
that nothing will help you,
and when you think
becoming nothing
would mean everything to you,
taking one more breath,
and deciding to stay,
you breathe again.
This is grace:
Letting the tears flow
until you’ve been washed clean
of the pain and sorrow
that you have carried
for longer than anyone
ever should have,
awakening from trance
and realizing
the poison and the antidote
always exist side by side,
opening your eyes,
for just a moment,
bearing witness
to the most incredible miracle
of presence,
seeing the flow of existence,
remembering there is nothing to fear,
there is nothing to forgive.

 

 

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giving thanks for love, for life,
you breathe again.
there is nothing to forgive.

A Prayer for Forgiveness

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When will forgiveness come?
When will I be released?
I cry out to God
I don’t want to be in pain anymore.
I don’t want this anger,
this sadness.
What do I need to do to change this?
I suppose I don’t know anything at all.
I thought the choice to forgive
and the understanding
that my freedom relies on it
would be enough
to bring about the desired result—
the freedom of forgiving, letting go.
But nearly twelve moons have passed
since he torpedoed the life we shared
and I’m tired of living in a war zone.
Home doesn’t feel like home.
He left in April
and it’s more peaceful since he’s been gone,
but the war moved inside me
and it’s holding on.
I don’t want to be at war with myself.
Please God, show me how to forgive,
how to believe,
how to love and trust again.
This tender, vulnerable heart
wants to mend.
Please remove the grief.
Let me see with clear eyes again.
Let me forgive.
Let me forgive.
Help me forgive.