Tag Archives: depression

Someday I’ll…

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You know when you go to sleep angry
and wake up angry
and try as you might to change it
you go through the day angry?
And then you feel depressed
because you’ve been angry
and the anger is exhausting
and you’re looking around at your messy life,
wondering when you’ll have the energy to get organized,
but then you remember that you’re a single parent,
and there’s already too much to do,
and so you look at the mess and think,
Someday I’ll…?
Yeah, that.

I Made Myself Get Out, Day 2

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Well, I did it again!
Returning home this afternoon
after teaching two yoga classes;
my music director neighbor was outside
and mentioned a choral concert
he was conducting at a church downtown,
one hour after my evening workshop
was finished.
I think I can make it, I told him.
But I may be kind of blahhhhh;
I’ve had a busy weekend.

Well, he said, We’ll see ya when we see ya!
I taught my workshop,
and my impulse was to go straight home
and once again
feel lonely and sorry for myself.
Don’t go to the city
the anxious one in me said,
You’ll have to worry about parking
and you’re a women
by herself

at night.
I made myself go.
I forced myself.
I found parking not far from the church,
arrived early, found a seat in the front row.
The music was so beautiful I cried.
Afterwards I gave my neighnor a hug,
thanked him for the invitation.
Home now, freshly showered,
safe and warm,
I’m so grateful I didn’t listen
to the anxious voice
telling me not to go.
I think I’m on a roll!

I Made Myself Get Out

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It’s amazing what can happen
when you get over yourself
and try something new.
I made myself get out tonight,
even though a part of me
just wanted to stay home
and feel lonely and depressed.
I made myself get out tonight
to attend the yoga studio
holiday party.
I took the staff yoga class,
and ate some yummy vegan food;
I even won a gift card in a raffle!
I sat and ate, and
multiple people actually
sat down next to me
and talked to me!
It felt good to connect.
It felt good to be out,
to be in the presence of
kind souls making merry.
Yes, it’s amazing what can happen
when you get over yourself
and try something new.

At Least Myself

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I keep asking how I can get myself to a better place
And the inner voice keeps saying
You need to be more fully where you are right now.
It’s so demoralizing to understand concepts like
Self-love, compassion, forgiveness and acceptance
and yet have no idea how to embody them,
no clue how to move from intellectual understanding
to grounded action, authentic experience.
If only I could apply what I have in my head,
I could save the world…
or at least myself.

Perhaps Maybe Somehow

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Perhaps if I slow down and breathe a little deeper
Maybe I’ll find the peace I’m yearning for and
Somehow I’ll relax and enjoy this moment.
Pointless as it is to struggle against reality I find
Myself resisting what is and isolating myself in my pain,
starkly contrasting with the sunshiny exterior my students see.
Possibly I can hang in there and keep breathing until
Magically my mood shifts into a brighter place.
Someday I’ll feel like myself again.

Feel So Much

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I take a breath.
This moment is good.
I choose to meet it with gratitude.
Not fighting, but accepting this moment,
choosing how to act, what to say.
Sometimes I’m not ready
for this level of responsibility.
Sometimes I’m full of joy and gratitude
for this opportunity to grow and evolve.
Sometimes I move from
deepest sorrow
to bubbly happiness
within seconds.
This is what it is to be human,
able to feel so much.