Today is the day I choose
to spend more time in self-love
than in self-deprecation,
more time in self-acceptance
than in self-criticism,
more time in joy
than in depression,
more time in gratitude
than in complaining,
more time in celebration
than in grief.
Happiness is a choice I must make.
I choose happiness today.
The voice stayed with me
when the clock struck midnight;
it followed me into the new year.
It was quiet for a few hours,
letting me take in the new year…
But now it is saying, already,
You should be doing more.
You need to make phone calls,
you need to organize your house,
you need to earn more,
you need to plan for the future.
You could end up on the street.
You could lose everything.
Hurry up! No time to lose!
Now I want to know,
whose voice is this?
Of course I want to be responsible,
of course I want to take action,
of course I want to do the right thing.
But I don’t need a tyrant telling me what to do.
I don’t need a frightened, abused inmate
pushing me to be afraid too.
I’m ready for a new voice,
one that says,
Breathe. You’re doing just fine.
Let’s try this now.
You are not alone;
I’ll be with you every step of the way.
Everything is working out just fine.
You are safe.
You can trust me.
I got you.
I’m searching for that voice.
I’m wanting to see what my life will be like
when I listen to it and act from it.
May the voice of kindness rise up within me,
and may my ears and heart and mind
be open to receive its wisdom.
Upon further research I discovered
that the business school I mentioned last night
is not what I thought it was.
There is some disappointment,
but mostly relief,
that I won’t be enrolling in the training,
Won’t become a member of
“a large community of entrepreneurs”
who would purportedly support me in my creative endeavors
and provide suggestions for building my business.
But when the entrepreneurs end up being
affiliate marketers who get paid $1000
every time they refer someone who joins,
I can recognize that this is not the kind
of entrepreneurial spirit that my soul craves.
It also helps to have a very logical,
hardworking, down to earth husband
who can smell a MLM scheme
from a mile away.
It’s not like I would’ve plunked down
$2000 without first discussing it with the hubby,
but the marketing was brilliant,
and I thought I was going to learn
how to construct an in-home business,
be a better mom, wife
be more patient, enthusiastic about life,
feel freer, more artistically alive.
Wouldn’t YOU join if you thought
the training would deliver such happiness?
I was getting close to signing up,
and my husband smelled something fishy.
Together we researched the school online,
and rediscovered that things aren’t always what they seem.
Together we took a stand.
No get rich quick plans
No too good to be true claims
No beautifully filmed testimonials
designed to get me wanting something I don’t have.
All of the power is within, and all the love–
no need to search for it outside.
I think I dodged a bullet this time.
Back to the drawing board, my friends.
Let them rise and let them fall
like the waves of the ocean–
they will come to you your whole life,
it is in our nature.
To be human is to have wants.
To be human is to experience limits,
and if you are persistent,
you might develop the drive to rise above them.
The question isn’t whether we should want or not want–
it’s more about bringing awareness to what we want,
and discerning between a passing fancy and a dream dear to your heart.
It is more about meeting our deepest dreams with awareness,
and mindfully directing our energies to bring ourselves
to the place of fulfillment,
Not with the fancy cars or the big mansions or the dream vacations
(Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with those),
But fulfillment in a place that can’t be seen-
in the character that has been tempered within the fire of great challenge,
by the spirit that has been strengthened by overcoming adversity,
by grace that rushes in to let you know how absolutely loved you are,
by the realization that all we could ever want is right here, in this moment.