Something that’s been stumping me
as I’ve considered intimacy
from the depths of prolonged celibacy:
Why do those I ignore want me?
Yet once captured and opened
and giving of my entirety,
why am I suddenly no longer
treated like a precious commodity?
No longer should I be so absorbed
in asking the significance of
Who does or doesn’t do the hunting—
It isn’t me they truly seek…
They want the wanting.
Sitting in ceremony this weekend,
I realized how very much my mind
still wants this moment to show up differently
and how much suffering
this wanting things to be different
stirs up in my life.
If I could only love and accept this moment as it is,
how would my experience be different?
Could I soften into this beauty?
Could I accept my own wholeness, my completeness?
Could I love this journey I’m on,
and learn to accept that uncertainty
is an integral part of the adventure?
I’m walking on the razor’s edge
between acceptance and resistance,
every moment, between peace and suffering.
I see how much choice I have,
and how much responsibility
to make the choice that will help and heal
instead of hurt and hinder.
As a mother, the choice becomes even more impactful.
My kids are watching me make meaning
out of all of these life experiences.
I’m teaching them every moment
how to love or how to fear this life.
God, please show me how to love.
God, show me how to love this life,
so that by the time my kids are my age,
they’ll know which choice to make.
I can’t know what’s next;
I can only know what’s now.
I’m not sure how
much of me is really here
to look deeply into what is.
I wonder how much of me
is truly available
to receive this present.
I keep practicing.
I might awaken
to what I already knew
before the world
past and future.
Nothing is ever still.
Even window glass is liquid,
although it flows at a pace
far too slow for our eyes to detect.
And our eyes…
they only see certain wavelengths of light.
they only hear certain frequencies of sound.
When I remember
that I simply do not have the faculties
to grasp the inifinite nature
of what is really happening,
I can deep a breath,
take a step back,
that the thing I call a “problem”
is just another play of phenomena
in this ever changing world of form.
As I relax around the many plays of form,
I can tune into what is formless in me.
And then…I’m home.
Up and down
like a rollercoaster
Sometimes I tire so
of this realm of duality.
Sometimes I crave the absolute.
Tonight I sit in ceremony again,
a new circle of strangers,
who just like me
are seeking the truth
of the one who abides
forever in wholeness.
Can I trust in this process
of surrendering to ALL THAT IS?
Can I drop the shield I was carrying
and stand vulnerable
in the truth of ultimate reality?
I am Source
and I am that which blocks Source.
Can I find the harmony
in the flow between the extremes?
I am human,
living a world of night and day,
male and female,
hot and cold.
Can I navigate the realm of duality
while staying connected
to the pure oneness of being?
Please God, show me the way.
It’s not male or female
not up or down
it cannot be claimed by night or by day
it is nowhere and everywhere.
It has no sound
but its song is deafening.
Has no age
but has existed since before time began.
It has no taste
but is the sweetest treasure of all–
this present moment,
where everything and nothing
happen all at once.
There will be pain as well as pleasure,
else how would we know pleasure?
there will be sorrow as well as joy,
else how would we know joy?
And the ups and the downs,
and the victories and the defeats,
and the successes and the failures–
how would we know anything well
if we did not also know its opposite?
The trick is to let go into the uncertainty,
to embrace it,
to become familiar and comfortable
with the feeling
of standing right by the abyss,
not sure which way to go.
To not need life to be a certain way
in order to be happy
is true happiness.
To forge a path
through the very real experiences
of this human existence,
to walk right through them,
to breathe right through them,
to learn from them,
to connect with them…
to gain compassion for those
going through the same experiences as you–
this is the warrior’s path.
Do not ask for a remote control
as you observe
this movie that is your life
so that you can pause in the moments
where everything is going right.
Anything stuck in one place
grows stagnant and stale.
And this is the beauty of life–
like the rivers and oceans
like the sun and the moon
like the seasons
and the cycles of birth and death and rebirth–
it never stops.
In the inevitable cycles
of ups and downs
pleasure and pain
joy and sadness
holding on and letting go
that is life,
it’s helpful to simply be honest.
Be honest about what we’re feeling,
and now we have a starting point,
a place to reach out from,
to grow from,
a place of understanding,
the common ground
of shared human experience.
We don’t have to sugarcoat it,
we can call the suffering what it is.
And because we have all known
the deepest suffering,
we can also experience
the greatest joy.
We might even discover
at the end of our lives
that all of the pieces have fallen together
in the most perfect balance
of light and dark–
the way night gives way to the day
gracefully surrendering to what is.
It lies beneath the thoughts
of right and wrong
and good and bad…
it is the only true thought we can have:
Don’t try putting words or labels
on that which is unexplainable.
Don’t try to get everyone
to conform to your vision.
Everyone has their thoughts
of right and wrong
and good and bad…
everyone has their own
This world is a whole lot more expansive
that our thoughts can grasp.
Dive beneath the labels
and remember something greater: