Today’s prompt asks us to write a concrete poem, which is a poem where the lines of words are placed in such a way to form a shape that is in some way connected to the theme of the poem. I wish I knew what uncertainty was shaped like. I’d write a poem in that shape…
🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳🐲🌳 The Shape of Uncertainty
It must be kind of wave like, the shape of uncertainty, because my uncertainty comes in waves.
Sometimes a little ripple, sometimes a crashing, roaring tsunami, whatever the size, the waves keep coming.
I haven’t drowned yet, because I’ve learned to keep breathing, catching my breath between the waves, finding a way to draw the air into my lungs.
Someday when I look back on this I’ll see that I stayed afloat somehow on this vast ocean. And though my vessel is tiny, it’s sound.
Come to think of it, aren’t all emotions shaped like waves? Love, anger, joy…don’t they all come and go, uncontrollable, unplanned, vast like the ocean?
You know when you go to sleep angry and wake up angry and try as you might to change it you go through the day angry? And then you feel depressed because you’ve been angry and the anger is exhausting and you’re looking around at your messy life, wondering when you’ll have the energy to get organized, but then you remember that you’re a single parent, and there’s already too much to do, and so you look at the mess and think, Someday I’ll…? Yeah, that.
This doesn’t feel right. It’s happening again. Sadness. Depression. Comparing my life to someone else’s, someone more successful. I don’t want to struggle to make ends meet. I don’t want to question if people really get me. And then…acceptance. I accept how I feel. I accept that this is happening again. I accept the sadness, the depression, I accept the comparison. I accept that life is a struggle sometimes. I accept my yearning to be understood. I’m still me with all my issues, but with acceptance, I’m a little more peaceful.
For the longest time I felt overwhelmed by my feelings, and then one day my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. Now I wasn’t just overwhelmed by my feelings, I was drowning in them. In my devastation I found a coach. This coach suggested we try EFT. I found it helpful, but never remembered to do it on my own. Then, in spring of this year, I stood at the edge of the void, looking down, trying to figure out where my kids and I would live, and I started feeling overwhelmed. What can I do? I asked. The voice within reminded me of EFT. I began tapping every day at the beginning of my meditation practice. I cried every day for months. Every day I’d have mountains of snotty tissues piled around my meditation cushion. Time went on. I kept tapping. Gradually, I didn’t cry as much. Gradually, I started to feel lighter. To celebrate my 3000th day of meditation I shifted from tapping on difficult emotions to tapping on the truths I wish to embody as I become happier, healthier, stronger, more empowered. I am so grateful for this technique and for the teachers who have made it accessible to me. If you’re feeling heavy and you know it, tap away, my friends, tap away. You might be amazed at how it works.
Something beautiful is happening… I think it might be resilience? Stamina? Endurance? Wisdom gained from experience? But as I found myself caught in my monthly darkness today, instead of falling all the way down into the dark hole of depression and believing my life was never good and never will be good I remembered that this was a temporary darkness, and all I had to do was ride it out. I prayed. I breathed. I reassured the little girl in me who was never allowed to feel sad or angry that I saw her and loved her. It didn’t change the mood. it was still awful and dark and sad, but some part of me knew this was temporary. What can I call this? Empowerment? Evolution? Grace? That has a nice ring to it. I think I’ll call it grace.
I’m turning toward the one within who has been suffering so long trying to be good. Sitting on my cushion, tapping on the points,* releasing old stories, crying tears of old grief, something waits for me. Behind the stories, before the stories, before the layers were piled on top of me, there was just this Self, this essence of being, open, clear, available to the present moment. Uncovering that Self, listening, seeing, and celebrating her, setting her free to live and love authentically, this is why I do this work. It is so worth it. ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ *I’ve been practicing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) daily since mid-May. It has gotten me throught the worst moments of terror and anxiety about the future, and grief, shame and regret about the past. It has also helped me to stay sober when I had moments of wanting to numb out with various societally acceptable ways of escaping one’s feelings. Do you practice EFT or have you ever heard of it? There aren’t too many people in my sphere who have. I have found it so helpful that I’m feeing called to share the practice.
Freedom. Connection. Peace. Vitality. Abundance. Joy. Compassion. Service. Inspiration. Confidence. Generosity. Gratitude. Love. It turns out that the more attention I give to these positive feeling states the more my brain creates circuitry to support the experience of those states in my body, mind, and life. My mind has been focused on suffering and now it is time for a new habit. God, give me the strength to focus on how I really want to feel.