Was able to pay the dentist
right after having my teeth cleaned
(not cheap, out of pocket)
when the last two times before today
I had to say
Please mail me the invoice.
Thinking ahead about finding enough work
I reached out to my colleagues
and asked them to consider me
if they needed coverage for their classes.
I cooked an amazing dinner
for myself and my kids
and ate heartily
(yes, the woman who was diagnosed with anorexia
a year and a half ago, who was down to 98 lbs, yes,
that woman ate well and enjoyed her food)
And the biggest progress of all:
I feel good.
Let me say that again:
I FEEL GOOD
I FEEL GOOD!
It won’t feel like it’s mine
unless I’ve worked for it,
and so the Universe
is giving me a chance to work.
I can feel my old thinking
crop up sometimes,
when I feel tired in body and mind
and I’m longing for quiet and rest.
Old thoughts come back,
about deserving better,
about wishing it had gone differently,
outraged about circumstances
beyond my control.
But I’ve been practicing.
I’ve been practicing
day after day
I’ve been practicing hard.
And my new thinking
responds to the old
You don’t HAVE to do this,
you GET do to do this.
You aren’t a victim,
you are a powerful woman
who has been given an opportunity
to step into her power
and love herself back to health.
You are a fortunate woman
who has been led to wake up
to the beauty of the present moment
and express her gifts, talents and abilities
in service of all beings.
You are a work in progress,
you’ll never be done,
so keep working, woman,
It’s a blessing to have work I love,
a blessing to have enough of this work
to earn the income I need
to empower myself to move forward.
It’s a blessing to know that the work I do
benefits others, and leaves me feeling
a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.
I GET PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE…
this is a miracle.
As I dive deeper into my work,
and bring greater value to my clients
and the companies for whom I work,
and as I am told about the positive impact
I’m having on the lives of those I touch,
I am driven to keep going.
This month has been a marathon,
2-3 classes every day, no days off.
My body is tired
and yes, there is a part of me
that would love a vacation…
And yet, to be blessed with work I love,
to have the Universe present me
with this opportunity for gainful employment,
to create independence as a single mother
providing quality life for my children and myself,
this is true success, true wealth, true progress.
And truly, I am grateful.
I can relax.
The struggle is over.
I can breathe.
I am safe.
I can step forward.
I am powerful.
I can realize this was always true.
A nightmare woke me up at 4:30am;
even with the light on I didn’t feel safe.
As sleep was out of the question at that point
I began to read and lost myself in bits about
blue-zone cultures and longevity.
And then breakfast and meditation
and yoga classes 1-2-3,
finishing at 12:30
talking on the drive home
with a dear friend in Colorado
going through some stuff of her own…
and reordering business cards
and thinking about writing an
“about me” for my website
which has lain dormant for two years,
and a shower, ahh…hot, beautiful water…
and then it struck me.
My daily life used to feel like a nightmare.
I would pray to god to give me beautiful dreams
so that I could find solace at night when I slept.
Now, between working as much as I can teaching yoga
and taking care of my two beautiful children,
my life has become more fluid and easy
and I feel more empowered.
This was the dream I was looking for
at this time last year.
and now it’s real.
Without knowing when it would happen or how,
I’ve lived into a more powerful version of myself.
Today I feel strong, healthy and happy.
In comparison to the nightmare it once was,
today my life feels beautiful and light.
And I am so grateful.
If I died today,
would I feel good
about the legacy
I left behind?
There is so much more I want to do,
so much more life I want to live,
so many experiences I want to have,
so many things I want to give.
It’s sobering to realize
I’m not ready to die,
to think about why.
Give it a try.
Make the empowered choice.
And which one is the empowered choice?
Think of your options,
and sense in your body the one
that leaps up with a solid yes.
Choose the yes.
When you tune into
your body’s intuition,
it will lead you to
the most empowered choice.
Don’t believe me?
Try it out.
For one week,
make the choices that feel the best.
Drop the shoulds,
the stories of obligation,
Feel into each moment,
and let your body tell you
will propel you forward
into your true heart’s destiny.
Then report back to me.
Sources of inspiration coalesce,
sending me the same message
until it reaches in
and takes root.
they’re all saying the same thing:
Open, grow, let it flow.
So I open.
I open more.
And the changes come slowly at first,
but then more quickly over time.
I see my responsibility
in opening to possibility
and how the only one ever
holding me back was, well,
Now, this, this is power:
realizing that the failure was mine,
but now so is the success.
And I get to choose.
A knock on my bedroom door.
I opened it a crack.
Are you available to talk, he asked?
It was late, I was tired,
and I was pretty sure
he wanted to convince me
to take his point of view on something
with which I wholeheartedly disagreed.
Are you available to talk?
No, I said, and shut the door.
I just shut the door.
And it was so satisfying!
After eight years of attempts
at real connection,
of trying to get him to articulate
his true feelings
and receiving criticism
for everything I am
and everything I do,
he has forfeited any right
to be in my presence
when I don’t want him there.
Tonight I was unavailable,
and damn it felt good.
For the longest time
I told myself the same story
that had been told to me as a child:
There is something wrong with you
that needs to be fixed.
Don’t make mistakes.
Don’t make messes.
If others don’t like you
it’s because there is
something wrong with you.
Today I decided to rewrite the story.
It goes like this:
There is nothing wrong with me.
I can make mistakes.
I can make messes.
As long as I like myself
I’ll know true belonging.
If the story you’ve been told
doesn’t bring you joy,
rewrite the story.