There is no losing or winning,
just staying asleep or waking up.
Every time I breathe consciously,
I wake up a little bit more.
I have more available to me in this moment,
more to feel, and see, and touch,
more to embody, embrace and become.
I let the breath move through me.
When I feel a difficult feeling,
I ventilate it, and let it pass through too.
Sometimes I don’t react to the feeling,
I just breathe it.
And I remember
it’s not about losing or winning,
but staying asleep or waking up.
I choose to awaken.
It could be said by many
that your past year
was so much better than mine,
what with all the
wining and dining,
the rock concerts,
the dinners with friends,
even a “romantic” trip to Paris.*
Yes, if you’re only concerned
with external matters
maybe your year was better…
But if you look a little deeper,
you would find
I made out far better than you.
This past year,
I learned about my Self.
I learned where my true power lies.
(Hint: Not with you!)
I learned about my responsibility,
my resiliency, my strength.
I went all the way down,
found the bottom,
and have chosen to come back up.
I touched my deepest sorrow,
reached out and held myself
through paralyzing grief,
searched for and found
a reason to keep going.
Long after your suitcases are unpacked,
the bottles of wine are empty,
the rockstars have left the stage,
and the weight of real life
(and maybe even
the weight of your next wife?)
has killed your libido,
I’ll be here, standing strong
in the beautiful world I’ve built…
*As romantic as Paris can be, in rainy cold January. Good luck with that.
Friends, some of you may have noticed in the past couple of months that I have periodically addressed Him…the one who shall not be named…the one who married me, had two children with me and then left the marriage, saying it was all my fault. If you’re wondering at all about my writing to him, permit me to explain. Once I realized that he was trolling my posts I decided to address him directly here on this blog…and I discovered as I did so that writing to him as if he were reading my words is quite cathartic. There were many words left unspoken between us, and while I’m still processing the major transition in my life that he initiated, I figured that anything that provides catharsis is a good idea! At some point this will all be a distant memory and I will no longer feel a need to speak to him, but for now, when the desire strikes as it did tonight, I’ll give him a piece of my mind. Who knows? Perhaps he’ll read my posts and learn something? We can only hope…
Last night, something happened.
Was it sitting in a healing circle
with a vibrant group
of beloved colleagues,
Was it the cacao
administered in a ceremonial way,
calling on the four directions,
ancestors, guardians and guides?
Was it my posture as I sat there,
hands over my heart, swaying,
eyes closed, as I listened?
Had everything in my life
simply prepared me for that moment,
I caught a glimpse of what is possible?
Whatever it was,
I came home,
and although it was late,
I was inspired.
I started making lists
of things I could make and offer,
to bring me closer to my goal
of financial autonomy.
I had visions of my creations
delighting and inspiring the hearts
of countless beloveds.
I actually had to make myself go to sleep…
I was buzzing with ideas,
I am truly free to be me,
and life is full, FULL of possibility.
for the better.
Let me use my imagination for good.
Instead of picturing the worst,
let me picture the best.
Let me say
No matter how this turns out,
it will be more amazing
than I ever could have possibly imagined.
Let me breathe
and settle into this moment.
Let me feel and know
that I am loved,
Let me stand in my strength and truth,
and move forward on my path,
and expressing what comes through,
bridging the visible and the invisible.
Let me remember my Divine Nature,
and never again doubt what is real.
And then a friend sent me a link
to spiritual teacher Matt Kahn’s
video entitled The Pain of Loss,
and it rocked my world.
I thought of how I had been
trying to escape my pain,
seeing it as evidence of failure,
and here was someone saying
that our bigges mistake is
our attempt to bypass the pain
so that we can continue on our path.
Instead, if we can see that our pain IS the path,
if we can see that
our devastation leads to transformation,
we’ll join with the Divine as co-creators,
and live into our fullest destiny
as embodied masters.
What the what?
So it is in my enduring
that I come to know my greatest strength?
I can allow the Universe to
turn me upside down and shake me out
and I can emerge on the other side
more loving, compassionate and clearer
than ever before?
I’m going to go and digest this now.
Thanks for listening.
PS I would love to hear all about your stories of transformation following great loss and deep pain. Have you learned how to see pain as a great teacher? Have you learned to embrace painful experiences as opportunities for profound growth? How long did your initiation take? How long did you stay in the crucible, allowing life to burn away what you no longer needed for the journey ahead? I welcome anything you’re willing to share. Knowing that I’m not alone in my profound suffering has helped me realize that I’m part of this big human family, and I’d like to think that somehow in the sharing of our stories we’re collectively helping the human race to grow and evolve.
I’m being vigilant of my thoughts.
I’m choosing ones that support
growth and evolution.
This is really new for me.
I’ll keep you posted.
Knowing myself better.
Diving deeper, exploring.
Looking up, looking out,
Reading, reading, reading,
exposing myself to new ideas,
a wealth of information,
developing a treasure trove within,
treasure no one can see and yet
a treasure that is more real than any other.
The medicine man sings
Invisible es mi camino,
and I sing along.
Taking a deep breath,
watching my mind
desperately attempt to understand
through the lens of the past,
and patiently, firmly
holding up and looking through a new lens—
a wide open future full of possibility.