Growing up in the woods my fondest childhood memories are of the times I spent outside. The feel of the forest in early spring when the trees are just beginning to bud out. Sitting in an ocean of yellow buttercups. Bullfrog croaking, hazy summer afternoon, Patter of rain on countless leaves. Somehow on the way to becoming an adult I learned that laundry, grocery shopping and email were more important than making time for myself to get outside. I have deprived myself of this potent medicine oh, how I have been deprived… Yet sometimes when I get over myself and I take time to get outside, my soul is pretty much instantly restored. I get to bask in this incredible feeling of clarity, insight and harmony. When I am outside I receive the beauty, the space, the inspiration to move, dance, BE with what is. In my dreaming I merge with the Universal Intelligence. In that place I am sending blessings of love in all directions.
I really don’t care about the brand of clothes you wear… I want to know what makes your heart ache and which actions you take to honor your own healing. The specific work you do doesn’t interest me as much as the mindset you bring to what you’re doing. Can you work with joy and gratitude? Can you do what needs to be done to show up as the best version of yourself, can you still get up, even if you feel like giving up? I don’t care how much you can bench press— what do you do when life puts the pressure on you? Can you breathe and expand into the challenge, knowing that adversity makes you strong? I want to see your true strength, how you respond to the inevitable challenges that life offers you to wake you up to your ultimate truth: You were born for more, much, much more.
Always in the process of becoming, always in flux, life is movement, not stagnation… so why do we yearn for safety, stability, routine? Our minds are hardwired for familiarity, comfort and ease, but our greatest potential and truest growth exist just outside of the comfort bubble. Transcending the constraints of the life we knew will feel, by definition, uncomfortable, as we leave the safety of our bubble and venture into possibility. Ask yourself who you’d rather be as you lie on your deathbed about to take your last breath: A person who took the familiar path or A person who lived an extraordinary life. The choice, dear one, is yours.
I know now that it had to happen. I’ve come to this realization before, so bear with me, but you know how this works. We keep circling and circling and circling back to the same old stuff until one day we get it, and we can finally set off on a new trajectory. It had to happen. I was comfortable, and comfort was making me complacent. I knew deep down I was meant for more. I longed to be met at my depth, to be seen and held and loved by someone capable of seeing my value and loving the woman that I was. It wasn’t happening, and a part of me grieved deeply. It wasn’t happening, and I resigned myself to a love not quite deep enough to be congruent with my true nature. I yearned for more, so deeply in my heart I yearned, and a voice said that I was fooling myself, that such a love wasn’t possible in this world. I was determined to do the work inside myself, to search for where I felt unmet and dissatisfied, and discover how I could meet and satisfy myself. Hence the meditation, the writing, the reading, the sewing, the knitting, the kombucha making, the therapy, the workshops, the trainings, the research, the practice, the commitment to arete. I secretly thought I was doing him a favor putting up with his lack of depth, his lack of vision, his inability to penetrate me fully to the core of my being, to flower me open to bigger possibilities, to take me open to God. Well if this is it, I told myself, then I may as well make the most of it. So I kept going. And then it happened. He dumped me. ME. Me, the mother of his children. ME, his WIFE. Me, his yoga teacher. Me, his partner, his best friend. He threw me away. It had to happen. It took a while, but I see this now. At times I look jealously at intact families, and I’m triggered by what was stolen from me. But then my new mindset arrives and reminds me It had to happen. The comfort was making me complacent. I had to be made extremely uncomfortable to be forced out of this nest, this cocoon, this cage of material wealth, where my needs for food, clothing and shelter were met, and the price I paid for it all was my authentic happiness. I look back on who I was and I shudder. I look forward to who I know I will be and I shiver. I look within to the one I am now and I smile, at peace with the fact that sooner or later, it had to happen. ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
I’m writing this ahead of time. By the time you read this, I’ll be in the mountain forest saying prayers for healing. Please, take a deep breath and receive them. I’m sending my prayers to you and all beings. When you receive my prayers breathing, when your pain dislodges, moves, and is set free, we will evolve this planet, this universe, together. Om. Amen. Shalom. Shanti shanti shanti…
If you knew this current trial, this set back, this seemingly impossible situation were actually a great gift, handwrapped by Spirit, tied up with a bow and a lovely tag attached with your name on it— would you open it? If you knew that this gift when welcomed and fully accepted would lead you to your next level of self-expression— would you receive it? If you knew that this gift, although uncomfortable, painful and perhaps even detestable, were rendering you stronger, more capable, more competent, more confident, more courageous, more resilient and more intelligent— would you say Yes, please and Thank you? Let’s assume for one moment that everything suggested here is true… wouldn’t it be time for some gratitude?
Some part of me had decided a long time ago that love wasn’t for me. Happiness wasn’t for me. Abundance wasn’t for me. Health wasn’t for me. This unconscious part was running the show, and as my life fell apart, it felt more and more justified in acting from its own limiting beliefs. And how I suffered… But then, my heart cried out for mercy. Some part of me (was it my soul?) asked for Grace. In the middle of my most broken moment, some voice whispered You have survived the worst… it can only get better from here on out. I breathed into the center of my deepest, darkest pain and found there a scared little girl waiting to be loved. She had searched everywhere but in the place where the love actually lived. It was time to bring her home, to let her see that she is deeply loved with a love that cannot be taken away. As I became willing to relax into the process of awakening engineered masterfully by the deep and abiding wisdom at the center of my Self, I saw and felt how this life isn’t happening TO me— it’s happening FOR me. I fell to my knees, surrendered, heart broken open even more. I’m in this tender place now, picking up pieces of a self blown apart by the storms of life. I’m putting the puzzle together piece by piece, beginning to see some coherence. Emerging from the depths of my being, a new strength, a willingness to grow, change and evolve, and most of all…hope.