Don’t wait until the end of the day
to say the good things in your heart.
By the end of the day
your tired body and mind will speak louder,
and what comes out then
will not be nearly as helpful
as the sweet nectar flowing from
your gloriously loving heart.
The day started
caught in my head
as I drove my children
down to the city
where the man who was once my husband
lives with the woman he left me for
After droping my kids off
I screamed some things in my car
that I won’t repeat here
in polite company.
I taught two lovely groups of yoga students,
came home, felt
Then a girlfriend invited us out
to spend the afternoon at the pool
with her and her kids.
I really didn’t want to go,
but I forced myself to.
I spent time with my friend,
watched our children playing,
ate food that was offered to me,
enjoyed the sun,
the perfect day.
Now I’m so tired
but so calm and happy.
And grateful for this wonderful,
Spring was in the air,
so I threw open
all the windows,
rolled up my sleeves,
and got to work.
Load after load of laundry,
sorting through odd bits,
so much cleaning.
Kids got home
and we went out,
out to the forest.
We slogged through mud,
and fallen logs,
Back home, homework,
I AM SO EXHAUSTED
AND I THINK I MIGHT HATE
THIS IS NOT
WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR
Then I write this
stream of consciousness poem,
and soon I’ll write in my
Ahh, I made it through another day.
It’s something about the cold wind
and the way the sun keeps hiding
behind the big, thick clouds
rolling through the sky today.
I’m feeling estranged from everything,
as if I didn’t get the memo
for some meeting
and everyone is there without me
while I’m wondering
where everyone else is
and why I’m not there with them.
Like the opportunity to connect
and I need to resign myself
to this feeling, forever.
like I know there’s more out there,
but I don’t know where I’m supposed to go
and what I’m supposed to do.
Feeling exhausted to my very bones,
knowing I have so much to do,
wondering how I’ll summon the energy
for the rest of this day
when my kids get home.
Wanting answers. Wanting comfort.
and knowing I’ll need to give it to myself,
because I am the only one who can
and I’m the only one who does.
It all comes back to this:
When I’m feeling melancholy, estranged,
lonely, uneasy, tired and full of longing,
I am the one I need most.
No one else is here to save me.
It’s up to me now
to be the one I’ve been waiting for.
I subbed out my morning class
I subbed out my evening class
I subbed out tomorrow morning’s class too.
The yoga teacher needs to stay home
and remember she is still a student.
Somehow my yoga is simply being with my body
in this state of illness, exhaustion.
I need to really feel and notice what has happened.
The worry and the stress wore away at me
and here I am.
If I won’t learn the lesson this time,
it will just keep repeating itself until I do.
I want to learn.
I am ready to learn.
Why am I so grumpy,
Why do I keep snapping at my kids?
Why is my house such a mess?
Why do I feel angry at my husband again?
Why does my life feel so disorganized?
Why am I so disappointed in myself
and everything about my current situation?
it’s time for bed.
I start to feel like I’m slipping.
Is it because I’m so tired?
Have I done too much today?
am I not here
to help others?
I should be doing more.
But I’m not feeling so great.
I don’t want to do anything
Stop being selfish.
But I need to put on
my oxygen mask
Stop being so self-absorbed.
I’m feeling lonely.
I don’t want to do this.
Stop whining. Buck up.
Get back to work.
But I’m tired.
So many voices in my head.
Which one is telling