Where is the balance point between the effort and the ease? Where is the grace that allows forgiveness to find me? Where is the sweet one who will coax my heart out of hiding? Where is the soul nourishment that will sustain me? I keep trying, trying, trying. I’m exhausted from the effort of teasing apart the jumbled mess of other people’s perceptions and finding my true self concealed somewhere deep within. Where am I, who am I, in the midst of all of this chaos?
What if I stopped trying so hard to be good, to stay ahead, to get it right, to get it done? What if I could just accept that this life is a process and I will never be done? What if I could really feel and know that I will one day die, and it might be sooner than I thought, and then I will simply be gone? How would I live if I knew I didn’t have as much time as I hoped I did? What if I could wake up in this moment and recognize that everything, all of it, is a gift? What if I could stop blaming others for where I am, take charge of my life, and step into my full power? I’ll ask the questions and have faith that the answers will reveal themselves as I am ready to see them.
After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.
Last night, something happened. Something changed. Was it sitting in a healing circle with a vibrant group of beloved colleagues, sharing our brags desires accountability gratitude and why’s? Was it the cacao administered in a ceremonial way, calling on the four directions, ancestors, guardians and guides? Was it my posture as I sat there, hands over my heart, swaying, eyes closed, as I listened? Had everything in my life simply prepared me for that moment, and suddenly, I caught a glimpse of what is possible? Whatever it was, something changed. I came home, and although it was late, I was inspired. I started making lists of things I could make and offer, to bring me closer to my goal of financial autonomy. I had visions of my creations delighting and inspiring the hearts of countless beloveds. I actually had to make myself go to sleep… I was buzzing with ideas, recognizing that I am truly free to be me, and life is full, FULL of possibility. Something’s changed… for the better.
Let me use my imagination for good. Instead of picturing the worst, let me picture the best. Let me say No matter how this turns out, it will be more amazing than I ever could have possibly imagined. Let me breathe and settle into this moment. Let me feel and know that I am loved, cared for, seen, provided for. Let me stand in my strength and truth, and move forward on my path, transcending limitations and expressing what comes through, bridging the visible and the invisible. Let me remember my Divine Nature, and never again doubt what is real.
Healing isn’t linear. As much as we want it to be, as much as we want to control this process, there comes a moment when we need to submit, surrender to the Divine Will, and let go into the inevitable. There is no neat line to walk on, only spirals and curves and portals to different dimensions… quantum realities, awaiting our observation, our awakening. I’ve discovered that trying to control leads to more struggle, but breathing, accepting where I am now, and praying earnestly brings me closer to peace. If you are suffering in this moment, this is my wish for you: That you breathe, accept where you are now, and pray to your Higher Power with an earnest heart, that you may be brought closer to peace.
Trust. Faith. Hope. These qualities that mean nothing until something major happens— death, breakup, loss, annihilation, devastation… And precisely when we need these qualities, this is when they seem to desert us. The one in us who knows we need them, the one in us who strives to find them, this is the one we need to trust. This is the one in which we need to have faith. This is the one we look to for hope. May we connect with this one.