When you decide to live in the mystery,
nothing is predictable.
One day goes smoothly,
the next full of obstacles.
When you decide to leave the safety of routine
and give your life over to some greater purpose,
only surrender and trust will do.
It is a death of sorts…
familiarity makes way for chaos,
and this is a good thing.
The moment your whole life falls apart,
this is the beginning of your journey
to realizing your fullest destiny.
there are others who have gone before you,
you are not alone.
Take a deep breath,
walk to the edge and jump.
You will grow wings and fly,
you will be caught by some gigantic gentle hands,
or you might be smashed to bits on the rocks below.
Whatever happens, new life awaits…
so don’t wait.
Dive, dive into the mystery,
and see what happens.
I’m discovering that
it takes more courage than I thought
to keep going in the face of uncertainty.
A part of me envies
those with established lives:
established work, established relationships,
complete with vacation plans, retirement plans,
and even plots for what remains of them
one day when they’re done with this earthly life…
Another part of me knows
that my spirit would wither and die
if I were made to exist within the confines
of so much familiarity.
Yes, my wild spirit
would not condone all these plans.
So where is the balancing point?
I’m tired of the anxiety that comes
from not knowing where I’m going.
I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed
that at this point in my life
I still haven’t “figured it out.”
More questions than answers,
and so easy to blame the one
who pulled the rug out from under
the stability I once enjoyed
as the female parental unit
in our family of four.
Faced with so much uncertainty,
I want to run and hide,
I want to escape…
but from what? From whom?
I realize there is no escape.
I cannot run from myself.
I cannot distance myself
from the one who craves stability
and who at the same time
wants to live wild and free.
How can I bring these warring factions
to rest within the space of awareness?
How can I get them to settle
and engage in some quality peace talks?
Ah, answer me that and I’ll dub you a shaman,
a wise one, a mentor, a guide.
Come to think of it,
seems like I need one of those right about now.
The voice stayed with me
when the clock struck midnight;
it followed me into the new year.
It was quiet for a few hours,
letting me take in the new year…
But now it is saying, already,
You should be doing more.
You need to make phone calls,
you need to organize your house,
you need to earn more,
you need to plan for the future.
You could end up on the street.
You could lose everything.
Hurry up! No time to lose!
Now I want to know,
whose voice is this?
Of course I want to be responsible,
of course I want to take action,
of course I want to do the right thing.
But I don’t need a tyrant telling me what to do.
I don’t need a frightened, abused inmate
pushing me to be afraid too.
I’m ready for a new voice,
one that says,
Breathe. You’re doing just fine.
Let’s try this now.
You are not alone;
I’ll be with you every step of the way.
Everything is working out just fine.
You are safe.
You can trust me.
I got you.
I’m searching for that voice.
I’m wanting to see what my life will be like
when I listen to it and act from it.
May the voice of kindness rise up within me,
and may my ears and heart and mind
be open to receive its wisdom.
I’m feeling sad,
wanting this moment to be different.
I want more space, more freedom.
I want financial autonomy.
I want to offer something that will help others.
I want to step into my power,
express my essence,
create something beautiful, inspiring.
But the depression returns
and covers me in a dark, heavy blanket
of lethargy, fear, anxiety, doubt, inertia.
How to break free?
I know there is more out there,
I know I am capable of more.
How do I move forward?
I can feel the pressure building inside of me,
pressure to get things done, get things organized,
be better, do more, know more,
pressure to have a plan,
pressure to answer others’ questions…
It’s the dark time of the year,
and the darkness is bringing me down.
I don’t want this pressure.
I want to hide.
God, help me change my mind.
Help me welcome the pressure.
Let me see this discomfort as a yoga posture
life has given me to master.
If I can breathe through it,
I can learn something from it.
I’ve been searching for something out there,
sometimes catching a whiff of its fragrance
in the wind.
It would render me melancholy
to sense it but experience it
so far away,
when my heart longed for this thing
I could not know.
Sometimes it was a rush of cold air
into my nostrils
as I stepped from my grandmother’s house
into the winter night
and I’d search for the star
in the dark blue sky
that told me the light
was returning soon.
For the longest time
I feared the magic and suppressed it
much to my heart’s dismay.
The whole world seemed cold and dark
and I was trapped in a prison
of my own making.
Spirit came to rattle me out of my cage
and throw me into the light of day.
Such a fool I was,
resisting a project of God’s hand.
How can I stop the ocean from surging?
How can I move the sun in the sky?
How can I make the moon glow brightly?
How can I give the gift of new life?
I only experience these things
because consciousness pours through me.
Who made this consciousness,
the perceiver and the perceived?
My body speaks clearly.
Its language is believed.
I trust the longing in me now.
The magic in me swells alive within.
I open the door to the cold and dark everywhere
and catch its beloved fragrance on the wind.
The to do list hasn’t shrunk,
but somehow I’m feeling less afraid.
If anything, I have more responsibilities,
but somehow I’m feeling more peace.
Am I fooling myself?
I don’t think so.
Maybe it was waking up early,
sitting in the quiet
while the world was still dark.
Maybe it was the run I took
in just above freezing temps…
Maybe I remembered to breathe more.
Maybe I realized I can trust more,
I can have faith,
I can believe in myself
and the ability to pull through
each challenge one by one.
I don’t know exactly how it happened,
but somehow it did,
and right now, I’m smiling.