My house is going into foreclosure.
My husband stopped paying on it
when he moved out in April.
I’m not sure how much time I have left here,
and I don’t know where I’ll go if I have to leave.
My friends are starting to worry about me.
I ask them to pray instead of worry.
My mind is starting to worry about me.
I ask my mind to pray instead of worry.
There are many variables in this equation
but there is one thing I know for sure:
worry will not help.
Therefore, I refuse to worry.
Caught in fear,
like this past year
of working hard never happened,
like I’ve made no progress at all,
like I have no say,
like I have no way to proceed.
Caught in sadness,
like life is meaningless,
like inside the struggle
to find a will
the pain only doubles,
like the light is disappearing
and I can’t find it
even as I stare into the blinding sun.
Caught in regret,
like I should have done better,
like my choices were all wrong,
like there’s no way out,
and as I look ahead the path is long
with no rest, no cure, no safe harbor
to welcome me home.
This fear, sadness and regret
must have something to teach me
about who I really want to be.
But right now,
there is only this feeling of being caught.
May I and all beings be free.
I keep asking HOW?
How will I shift this situation?
How will I become autonomous?
How will I find a home?
A new way to live
and provide for my living?
Fear wants to creep in.
It’s slimy and quick
and slips into my mind
because that is what it has always done.
But I decide that it’s time for a new way.
I choose to give more attention to my future
than I give to my past.
I don’t need to be afraid anymore;
I can trust in Life;
it always works out
one way or another.
Don’t let the fear stop you.
Do it anyway.
Don’t let your past
decide how your future will be.
take a deep breath,
feel the fear,
and do it anyway.
How long it will be
before the new paradigm is established
and I can truly be free of the thoughts,
words, and actions that have held me back?
I keep reminding myself that I am fine,
that I have always been fine
and I will always be fine…
but my poor, neurotic mind
simply cannot accept this.
It dutifully attempts to dredge up proof
that I will not be okay.
It wants to let me know I’ll run out of money,
I won’t find a way,
I’ll be lonely and homeless
without a friend in the world.
And all this because it wants me to be safe.
But the fear, doubt and worry
make me feel unsafe.
So I have to train this poor mind
to search for proof
that I will definitely be okay.
And then I keep exerting tremendous force,
really wanting this positive outlook
to be where I live most of the time.
This mighty war raging inside of me
I want a nap.
But somehow I must find a way to keep going,
until my mind knows
I AM OKAY.
The doubt crept in.
The fear and the anxiety
threatened to take up permanent residence
in this exhausted mind
beaten helplessly by neurotic thoughts.
I could see my old emotional system
having its way with me.
My therapist and I laughed
at the absurdity of life.
But the fear, doubt and anxiety
relaunched themselves directly after,
and I spent the afternoon
feeling out of my mind.
Do you have any idea
how humbling it is
to know exactly how to help myself,
but feel helpless to help myself?
I’m a yoga teacher for God’s sake!
I teach people how to breathe and relax
and feel better every week.
And yet when the time comes for me
to practice what I preach
I feel trapped in a prison
of the worst kind of thinking.
Someone tell me I’m not alone.
I’ve been in agony this past year
trying to figure out how this all will end,
but could it be that this is just the beginning?
I thought my life was over
when he told me our marriage was over,
but could it be that I’m being born into new life?
I’ve cried out many times to God
asking to be given the answers…
but could it be that I wasn’t ready for answers?
Could it be that I didn’t even know the question?
I chose trust as my word of the year
and I’ve struggled to understand what trust even is.
Could it be that my struggle is the opportunity
I was asking for this whole time?
Could it be that through struggling
and surviving the struggle,
I’ll learn to trust myself?
Could all of this,
the entirety of this experience,
be one long answered prayer
as I awaken to the truth of who I really am?
Could it be?