This doesn’t feel right. It’s happening again. Sadness. Depression. Comparing my life to someone else’s, someone more successful. I don’t want to struggle to make ends meet. I don’t want to question if people really get me. And then…acceptance. I accept how I feel. I accept that this is happening again. I accept the sadness, the depression, I accept the comparison. I accept that life is a struggle sometimes. I accept my yearning to be understood. I’m still me with all my issues, but with acceptance, I’m a little more peaceful.
For the longest time I felt overwhelmed by my feelings, and then one day my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. Now I wasn’t just overwhelmed by my feelings, I was drowning in them. In my devastation I found a coach. This coach suggested we try EFT. I found it helpful, but never remembered to do it on my own. Then, in spring of this year, I stood at the edge of the void, looking down, trying to figure out where my kids and I would live, and I started feeling overwhelmed. What can I do? I asked. The voice within reminded me of EFT. I began tapping every day at the beginning of my meditation practice. I cried every day for months. Every day I’d have mountains of snotty tissues piled around my meditation cushion. Time went on. I kept tapping. Gradually, I didn’t cry as much. Gradually, I started to feel lighter. To celebrate my 3000th day of meditation I shifted from tapping on difficult emotions to tapping on the truths I wish to embody as I become happier, healthier, stronger, more empowered. I am so grateful for this technique and for the teachers who have made it accessible to me. If you’re feeling heavy and you know it, tap away, my friends, tap away. You might be amazed at how it works.
I take a breath. This moment is good. I choose to meet it with gratitude. Not fighting, but accepting this moment, choosing how to act, what to say. Sometimes I’m not ready for this level of responsibility. Sometimes I’m full of joy and gratitude for this opportunity to grow and evolve. Sometimes I move from deepest sorrow to bubbly happiness within seconds. This is what it is to be human, able to feel so much.
Something beautiful is happening… I think it might be resilience? Stamina? Endurance? Wisdom gained from experience? But as I found myself caught in my monthly darkness today, instead of falling all the way down into the dark hole of depression and believing my life was never good and never will be good I remembered that this was a temporary darkness, and all I had to do was ride it out. I prayed. I breathed. I reassured the little girl in me who was never allowed to feel sad or angry that I saw her and loved her. It didn’t change the mood. it was still awful and dark and sad, but some part of me knew this was temporary. What can I call this? Empowerment? Evolution? Grace? That has a nice ring to it. I think I’ll call it grace.
I’m turning toward the one within who has been suffering so long trying to be good. Sitting on my cushion, tapping on the points,* releasing old stories, crying tears of old grief, something waits for me. Behind the stories, before the stories, before the layers were piled on top of me, there was just this Self, this essence of being, open, clear, available to the present moment. Uncovering that Self, listening, seeing, and celebrating her, setting her free to live and love authentically, this is why I do this work. It is so worth it. ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ *I’ve been practicing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) daily since mid-May. It has gotten me throught the worst moments of terror and anxiety about the future, and grief, shame and regret about the past. It has also helped me to stay sober when I had moments of wanting to numb out with various societally acceptable ways of escaping one’s feelings. Do you practice EFT or have you ever heard of it? There aren’t too many people in my sphere who have. I have found it so helpful that I’m feeing called to share the practice.
When life asks you to change by pulling the rug out from under you, when your relationship falls apart, when your health suddenly fails, when a source of abundance suddenly dries up, when nothing makes sense anymore, to cling to the past is sheer insanity. At that point, the most lucid response would be to take a deep breath and feel into the moment, to see what the moment is asking of you. The answers are here, now, in your beating heart, in birdsong, in leaves stirred by an invisible wind, in the changing of the seasons, in the rhythm of your days and nights. Release the past that is no longer relevant to the person you are becoming. Face your future with open arms, breathe, and see what the moment is asking of you.
Whatever you focus on you will experience. It’s that simple. Focus on joy, you will be joyful. Focus on anger, you will be angry. Focus on depression, you will be depressed. If you find yourself in a place you don’t want to be, Ask yourself, “How do I want to feel?” and think about the conditions that would evoke that feeling. Our imaginations can be used to create or destroy, to heal or to harm, to inspire or deflate. It all comes down to your attention, and your choice.*
*Just to clarify, I’m not saying it’s easy. In fact, training the mind to focus is one of the most challenging feats a human can perform. But it IS simple. If you choose, you can tune into your power and decide how you want show up in the present moment. If enough people decide that they want to show up as peace, we’ll create a peaceful world.
When you’ve gotten in the habit of being unhappy it might take a minute to figure out how to be happy again. But happiness is a habit, just like unhappiness. Habits are formed bit by bit, day by day… Choose to be happy for just a second longer today than you were yesterday and you are headed in the right direction.
I wake up and something’s different. I see the sun. I’m glad to be awake. I have energy. I’m excited to start the day. I make berry salad for our breakfast; the kids and I enjoy these colorful jewels the earth grew for our nourishment. I feel so much love my heart might burst. My home is peaceful. After the kids get on the bus I come back home. What is this feeling? What is different? And then I realize I know what this is: I feel better.
A deep and pervading sense of futility, like things will always be this way, like I will always feel this way. Darkness closing in, suffocating in my loneliness, counting the minutes until I can be useful again in the two roles I currently have: mother and yoga teacher. I can see why, with these painful feelings, some people become workaholics. And, I want to get to the place where I can celebrate the fact of being, regardless of what I’m doing and for whom I’m doing it.