I just want to be a good mother.
I try so hard.
And at the end of the day,
I lose it sometimes.
I lose it with my kids
when I’m tired and they’re tired.
There used to be another adult around
who’d step in
when I couldn’t anymore.
That adult is gone.
When I’m tired and sick
there is no one else to take care of me
I’m tired of taking care of myself,
tired of being alone.
I want help.
It’s in these moments
that the anger wells up
if I don’t stop it.
I get angry for being thrust into this place
of missing my kids when they’re not here
and overwhelmed when they are.
I’m tired of this mess, this story.
I can do so well for hours and hours.
I can be proud of my mothering,
the balance I manage to find.
But at the end of the day
I’m tired and they’re tired
and sometimes I just lose it.
There is no losing or winning,
just staying asleep or waking up.
Every time I breathe consciously,
I wake up a little bit more.
I have more available to me in this moment,
more to feel, and see, and touch,
more to embody, embrace and become.
I let the breath move through me.
When I feel a difficult feeling,
I ventilate it, and let it pass through too.
Sometimes I don’t react to the feeling,
I just breathe it.
And I remember
it’s not about losing or winning,
but staying asleep or waking up.
I choose to awaken.
I choose happiness.
I’m acting as if—
as if I am successful,
radiant, at peace,
I smile for no reason,
I discover smiling feels good.
I laugh out loud.
I realize I don’t have to wait to be happy;
it’s a choice I make right now within myself,
in spite of the external conditions of my life.
I’m not waiting for something to happen
in order to be happy.
I choose happiness,
and it feels wonderful!
PS There is science behind this. Check out this TED talk by Shawn Achor. He wrote a book called The Happiness Advantage and backs up what he says with research!
Swirls of feeling…constantly.
Will the waves ever let up,
will I always be tossed
on this turbulence,
or should I embrace
this intensity and surrender
to the currents moving through me?
Does deeper feeling
mean deeper experience?
Does more darkness
mean more light?
Tears and then laughter.
Rage and then serenity.
I try to hold myself together,
but who is doing the holding,
and who is in danger of falling apart?
I choose sobriety,
and without the buffer of some distraction
the feelings I’d been running from
hit me full force.
Is this my new normal…
and can I handle it?
Playing with the idea
that I don’t have to wait for something external to change
in order to achieve the feeling states I desire.
So I speak them aloud as if they are happening now,
and I feel into these states, one by one.
I feel complete.
I feel happy.
I feel safe.
I feel abundant.
I feel powerful.
I feel confident.
I feel loved.
I feel wanted.
I feel sexy.
I feel inspired.
I feel creative.
I feel welcome.
I feel connected.
I feel happy.
I feel healthy.
I feel grateful.
I feel peaceful.
I feel worthy.
I feel clear.
I feel excited.
I feel free.
As I speak these words aloud
I notice what it feels like
to really embody these states of being.
I end up feeling uplifted, amazed by the shift.
I’ll keep doing this work and I’ll see where it takes me.
Just keep peeling back the layers.
As much as it hurts,
as scary as it is,
keep peeling back
the rage, fear,
anxiety, and sadness.
you’ll start to see the luminous being
waiting for you underneath all those layers.
you’ll come to realize who you really are
and why you’re really here.
Eventually you’ll understand
that the being you’ve uncovered
is the one you’ve been wanting all along.